Finding a peer support group for adopted people or an adoptee meet-up
8 in 10 adoptees have never (knowingyl!) met another adopted person. Let’s change that!
If you’re looking for the opportunity to meet with other adopted people, there are a number of ways. Connecting with other adoptees can be life-changing so it’s well worth putting in some time and effort to find your tribe.
First you can see if there is an adoptee peer support group near you… no need to reinvent the wheel, as they say! Groups are springing up all over the UK, which is fabulous.
5 steps to finding an adoptee group:
Check if there’s already an adoptee group in your area - there are several well established groups including in London, Devon, Cornwall, Manchester and Bristol.
Ask How To Be Adopted to check - we can find out if there’s a fledging group in your area or an adoptee who’s shown an interest that you could join forces with.
Advertise locally, eg the library, local noticeboards, local Facebook pages - you’d be surprised who might see it and think YES!
Ask your local authority if they have a group for adult adoptees. Bear in mind that social workers may attend these groups. It’s not a deal breaker for most people but some prefer it to be adoptees only. If you’re not sure how to find details, I recommend Googling “adoption + name of your local borough” and this should redirect you to your regional adoption agency website.
Set one up yourself! Again, you can use local methods to advertise or ask How To Be Adopted to put something on the website and in the emails, which go to over 1,000 people.
Tips for starting a group for adoptees:
Stick to a time and day of the month if you can, this may exclude some people but it helps to maintain continuity and reduces admin on the people organising the adoptee group. Most people find monthly is the right frequency.
Commit for 12 months if you can, results only usually start to show after about 6 months.
Consider paying for a (adoptee sensitive) facilitator if you can afford it as this takes the burden off one person to ‘run’ the meetings. If this is not possible, make sure the person or people who do the organising of the meeting venue, etc, are not also expected to run the meeting themselves as this can mean they feel pressure/responsibility and are not able to get the most out of the group. It needs to be a shared effort.
Implement groundrules and boundaries - require people to read and agree to them before they attend. Be clear about what happens if they are not stuck to. An example of this happened in one group where someone was inappropriately contacting another group member on WhatsApp. This is one disadvantage of not having a facilitator - these issues have to tackled by the group members themselves.
HTBA Example meeting agreement, you are welcome to use.
Gilli Bruce helped form the meeting agreement/groundrules and uses them for her virtual online adoptee support group and the groups she runs with PAC-UK. Of course, groundrules can evolve so it’s worth checking in every 6 months or so to see if anyone has amends or additions to suggest.
Consider having a chat with each person before they come along to see where they’re at and if this is the right time for them to attend a group. If not, signpost to other support organisations such as PAC-UK, Mind and Samaritans. Remember some people may be vulnerable and/or triggered by coming along. In an ideal world we would have safe groups that are ‘held’ by an adoptee-sensitive professional, ideally a therapist (not social worker) trained in facilitating groups. On the other hand, 80% of adoptees have never met another adopted person and in lieu of anything else being available, it can really help to connect with one another!
Some people will come once but not come back. In my experience that’s all par for the course. If this happens, you could ask them to send you a short message letting you know they are ok.
Don’t discount online groups - they can be useful for those in very rural locations, anyone who has a disability or health condition, solo parents, and people with little spare time due to work or caring responsibilities.
Tailored groups exist for younger adoptees, lgbtq+ adoptees, adoptees of colour, international adoptees, etc. A good place to start is The Dunbar Project.
There are even plans for a HTBA sub-group for children of adoptees! To register your interest, get in touch.
The North London group, we will be turning 4 in November!
Additional things to consider:
Consider who the group will be open to. There are several grey areas that you may need to make a decision on in order to keep the group a safe and comfortable space for adopted people. Examples include: adoptees who have gone on to adopt, people who have been adopted by their step-father, people who have been adopted by their grandparents, people who have a parent who is adopted. While there is no doubt more support groups are needed for everyone affected by adoption, it can help to be slightly narrow as - remember - it is rare for adoptees to find a space they can truly speak and share freely.
When finding a venue for your adoptee group, a quiet space is best. However, don’t discount pubs as although not first choice for many due to related issues with addiction, some have back rooms that are free during the day.
Ask your local authority for support with finding a room, a facilitator, funding for the admin, marketing and logistics - remember that the government’s remit for adoption includes supporting adult adoptees so we are as entitled to their time and resources as adoptive parents (who they tend to prioritise in their services).
Be cheeky and ask for local support. North London estate agent Tatlers generously paid for the North London adoptee group to have a lovely Christmas meal at The Clissold Arms in 2022 and 2024.
Just like joining any new community, there will be some people you click with and some you don’t. Try to listen to your gut and avoid the people pleasing and - who knows - you may find the person (or people) that ‘gets you’. Connection really helps to feel less alone, reduce shame and boost wellbeing.
If you belong to an adoptee group, feel free to post about it below in the comments and let other adopted people know about it.
The North London group again, we love a big table!
Are you coming to the online retreat 20th Jan 2024?
Affected by being adopted? Join Claire and Gilli for this event with interactive sessions, yoga + the chance to connect with other adoptees…
HTBA Retreat January 2024
The Impacts of Being Adopted – acknowledging and alleviating the effects
Have you ever wondered how being adopted affects you physically, emotionally and relationally? Do you want to hear what's worked for the How To Be Adopted team in terms of understanding and working to alleviate some of the less-than-helpful effects?
This event will include short yoga, breathwork and meditation sessions, talks from both Gilli Bruce (counsellor) and Claire M (founder of How To Be Adopted), and break-out sessions where you can connect with other adopted people.
Please join us for what promises to be a lovely afternoon.
More info from Gilli....
Many adoptees have an ever-shifting and evolving understanding of how being relinquished and subsequently adopted affected them. I thought myself to be completely untouched by adoption in my teens and twenties – I never talked about it, never thought about it much (apart from birthdays and crisis points) and never knew myself to be impacted upon very much.
Through my twenties and thirties, I was busy doing life and in my early forties – much of the same, so it wasn’t until age 46 when I saw a documentary about birth mother’s pain and anguish, that I started to let ‘adoption stuff’ in. In my late forties, I went through the whole reunion thing and thought that would resolve everything – and when it didn’t - I hid from all the big emotions. It wasn’t until the age of 53 that I decided to enter into therapy and ‘deal with my adoption’ and uncovered all the impacts that I’d shied away from looking at before. I uncovered a lot. I learned about impacts on my behaviour, on my relationships and on my relationship with myself.
During this retreat, I’d like to share some models that I learned about on my counselling training, on workshops and through my own shadow work that might help adoptees to bring some impacts into awareness – so that they can be acknowledged and moved through - Gilli Bruce
Book now on Eventbrite
Photo by: https://unsplash.com/@hannahbusing