Letting the Pain Leak Out a Little - guest post from Haley Radke creator and host of the podcast Adoptees On

After I disconnect from an interview, the first thing I do is make sure to back it up to my external hard drive, check that the cloud back up is working, and then I quickly leave my desk. I escape my office, usually to the patio doors, and grab a deep breath. I need to feel something else for a minute. Safety? Comfort? Shoving down pain? I can’t name it.

I love talking with adopted people about their experiences. I look forward to interviews. I often get nervous right before I get on the call. I am focused on every word as we talk. I write notes furiously so I don’t miss an important question. When they say “the phrase” - I immediately know it when I hear it - I write it down as the title for the episode.

After we officially recommend our resources for listeners, and tell people where they can follow the guest on social media, we wrap up and close out the recording but I stay on the call with the guest. I say thank you. I have to tell them to take extra care of themselves in the next few days because these interviews can come at a great cost to their energy levels.

If time allows, I try and stay to talk as long as they’d like. I often have school pick-up looming, but I try and squeeze in as much time as they need. That’s where some of their biggest pain leaks out. “I didn’t share this, but I’ll tell you off-the-record, this is how much worse it was. I even tried to kill myself.” I comfort as I can. I listen more and remind them that therapy is important. I nod and say, “me too” when we share the same grief. I promise I’m an email away and to keep in touch.

I run out of my office. I gulp cool air from the opened doors. I wonder if I said the right things. I can feel their pain. I think our pain can be lightened when we share our story, the way you can convince one of your kids to carry one grocery bag of your eight (but it has to be bread or crackers or something light, never the milk jug). This sounds a little woo woo, but don’t you think it’s possible that a little pain leaks out into the community who hears your grief, and that lessens yours just a smidge, just one loaf of bread’s worth?

I have this hope that all adopted people would be able to share their stories. Their whole story, without skipping the hard stuff. Only when it’s safe of course, only when it feels like the right time. If we could share that story with just a few more people, we could lighten our burden a little. The community can carry it with us.

I’m thankful that I can carry some of your grief with me. I know that someone out there is carrying a little of mine for me.

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I’m incredibly grateful to Haley for sharing this peek behind the scenes. I have always wondered how she manages with the emotional toll of hosting the Adoptees On podcast. Haley, I hope I’ve been able to help you carry some of your grief, as you’ve helped me with mine when you interviewed me for episode 153.

This goes out to all the adoption activists who are changing the narrative one tweet, blog post, podcast or conversation at a time. And also to everyone who’s not able to be an activist right now, as they are only able to make it through one day at a time. Let’s look after one another.

To my biological father’s wife

Oh shit. I’ve made a huge error. I overlooked you in the excitement of reunion and in the subsequent years. It’s too late now to get back that time and we may now never have a proper heart-to-heart or even go for a coffee just us. I should have suggested it. I’m annoyed I didn’t. I wonder if you found it difficult seeing him so strongly in me?

It took the podcast Adoptees On to make me realise your role in it all. How could I have been so silly? It was never just about me and him. I wish you would listen to the episode. I’d love to know if you can relate to Haley’s dad’s wife and her feelings around the reunion.

I’d guessed you felt mildly threatened and the adjustment to a new normal was probably tricky, but I hadn’t considered the pressure you may be under from friends to shut it all down; to ‘preserve’ your precious family. Of course, in the rush of reunion, and without an expert to counsel us, there would be no way of knowing what was going on in each other’s minds and hearts.

I wish I had thought to include you more. I wish I’d made more of an effort to always acknowledge your birthday, etc, and not just enquire after your health via my father. Of course I know deep down this would not have made the deciding difference, but it may have helped smooth things along.

In the podcast episode, Haley’s father’s wife reassured Haley there was nothing she could or should have done differently in early reunion, but I still managed to find a stick to beat myself with. The wife. Of course! The family lynchpin and decision maker.

Haley’s family worked really hard to iron out the issues around reunion and move to a positive, loving relationship. As part of this they had therapy. I feel like if I had suggested therapy to you both it would have been a flat no. Although admittedly I didn’t try. Thinking about you saying no to therapy makes me feel I am not worth a bit of hard work, let alone fighting for. However, it may mean that as a family and as individuals you are not at that place where you consider therapy as a useful resource for any life challenge.

I appreciate the card you sent me when I was struggling with anxiety and I appreciate how welcoming you were to my children when we visited. I don’t know when we will meet or speak again but I hope it is not under horrible circumstances. I choose to believe you are feeling exasperated at at both our stubbornness (guess that’s hereditary!) rather than feeling relieved that I’m out of the picture. Look after him and tell him I miss him.

Photo by Jeremy Cai on Unsplash