The yoga retreat where I found my voice

For a big birthday last year I treated myself to a one-to-one yoga retreat. I was feeling very burnt out from working, parenting, and the tail-end of coming out of the fog. I almost didn’t go, even up to the day itself because I thought it was too self-indulgent and I was frightened of being vulnerable on my own with the yoga teacher.

Fortunately, the teacher was the amazing Julie Bickerton who looked after me well all weekend. As well as 6 sessions of yoga, we did forest bathing and meditation. I also had a full body massage and lots of time to journal. Julie cooked all my meals for me - which is a luxury as a mum of two young children. Julie is also a coach, and so we talked a lot about this blog and my plans and hopes for the future.

One amazing after-effect of the weekend was that I came back standing and walking taller, and my throat chakra had opened to the extent that when I spoke I didn’t recognise my own voice! I spoke confidently, clearly and slowly for the first time in living memory!

I asked Julie Bickerton, yoga teacher, to give us a few tips for opening the throat chakra including poses and affirmations. If you try any of them, I’d love to know how you get on.

“Each one of the chakras reflects a basic, inalienable right. Loss of these rights blocks the chakra. Much of the work of yoga is to reclaim these rights to heal.” 

Chakra 5 the throat chakra is associated with the right to speak and be heard. 

Uijayi Pranayama is a good practice for unlocking blockage in this Chakra. This breath helps to conquer fear, and steady the mind. The breath is slowed through a subtle contraction in the throat making a sound similar to that of the distant ocean. It can be practiced seated in stillness or during an active asana practice. The sound and movement of the breath is soothing and helps to attune awareness to each breath . A deeper smoother flow of breath will result. 

Chanting a mantra is a form of toning encouraging the basic vibration within you to come out through your throat as sound. As you exhale let the breath out of an open mouth making a sound no judgement spontaneous, could be a grunt a squeak, a moan a roar might vary initially but then tends to settle into a sound that resonates. Let it develop and come. 

Postures that are all about opening up the shoulders, releasing the head and neck, opening or stimulating the throat area:

• MATSYASANA: FISH POSE 

• HALASANA: PLOUGH POSE

• SALAMBA SARVANGASANA: SHOULDER STAND

• NAKULASANA: MONGOOSE POSE 

Affirmations: 

• I hear and speak the truth 

• I express myself with clear intent

• Creativity flows in and through me

• My voice is necessary

Great reference books Anodea Judith Eastern Body Western Mind a comprehensive analysis of psychology, somatic therapy and childhood development theory and Chakra Yoga full of a wealth of practice ideas.

Find out more about Julie Bickerton Yoga

Find out more about fellow adoptee Rachel Young’s yoga

Where I find support and solace as an adult adoptee

When I started my blog a couple of years ago my aim was to share my experiences to help other adoptees. Now I want to share what’s worked for me in terms of support. I’ve talked about my supportive partner and being in therapy - these are my pillars and everything below is additional to that.

A lot of this falls into the category of self-care, which - although a trendy buzzword - has really helped me. You will notice that the majority of things on the list are things I have found myself and, in many cases, paid for myself. Currently this is the scenario for many adult adoptees, but by connecting we can share resources and – in the future – work together to form a central support organisation in the UK.

The Needy podcast by Mara Glaztel

Mara is not adopted but she is a self-confessed people pleaser as many adoptees are. She also focuses a lot on boundaries which I know many of us struggle with, as highlighted in the recent episodes of AdopteesOn. The Needy podcast is wonderful and she has lots of (free and paid for) resources on her website. I would recommend starting with episode one, and if you only have time for a few more, try episodes 4, 8, 14 and 21.

• free resource

• not specifically for adoptees

Restorative yoga

When I was coming out of the fog, I spent many evenings weeping and sniffling by candlelight at my local restorative yoga class. Something about holding a (soft) pose for a long time until the emotions emerge from where the body has been holding them. When I spoke to my yoga teacher, she said being able to cry in the class means I feel safe there.

Also known as cuddly yoga, there are lots of props like bolsters and blankets and the instructors are usually very soothing. As I am not religious I find it very grounding to listen to a calm voice tell me everything is ‘exactly as it should be’. At the end we lie in savasana, or corpse pose, under blankets with lavender eye bags. It’s dreamy. Classes are not cheap where I live in London, but you can find free classes on YouTube. I really love Yoga with Adrienne, who has lots of yoga videos for anxiety and stress.

• paid for locally - ask in your local library or local Facebook group

• free classes online

• not specifically for adoptees

 Fellow adoptee Rachel Young has a great yoga channel on YouTube and she will be guest blogging for me soon with some calming, grounding poses for adoptees. Can’t wait!

Self-compassion meditations with Kristen Neff

Kristen Neff is the self-compassion guru and has worked with Brené Brown, among others. She says that research has shown that “self-compassion is one of the most powerful tools we have at our disposal to create health and happiness.”

i recommend Kristen’s self-compassion workbook, as well as the short meditations on her website, including a meditation for self-compassion.

If you are new to practicing self-compassion, be aware that some uncomfortable feelings may surface initially. Kristen describes this as: “when we give ourselves unconditional love, we discover the conditions under which we were unloved.” It does get easier with practice. I remember bursting with laughter when my therapist suggested I look at myself in the mirror and say, “I love you”. Now I can say it without laughing: “I love you. You are doing a great job. What you are feeling is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation (being adopted).”

• free resource (meditations)

• paid for resource (self-compassion workbook)

• not specifically for adoptees

The Baggage Reclaim podcast

Not for the faint hearted, this has a totally different vibe to the Needy podcast mentioned above. Baggage Reclaim is ideal if you’re ready for some tough talk about boundaries, co-dependency and other issues many adoptees have told me they struggle with. There are loads of episodes and some may not be relevant i.e. the episodes about dating. I recommend starting with some of the earlier ones, such as episode 22: Stop asking permission to have boundaries. Episode 118 is about pretending to be someone you’re not and episode 38 is about being too hard on yourself.

• free resource

• not specifically for adoptees

I know other adoptee friends who swear by gardening, exercise, etc. I would love to hear what works for you. We can never not be adopted but we can support ourselves and each other to heal and be emotionally healthy.

Also, if you have ideas for the type of support needed by adult adoptees in the UK please comment below or contact me directly. I would be interested to know how many people would be wiling to pledge financial support to a UK organisation. Currently in the business planning stages but it does feel like an obvious gap in the UK that I would be honoured to help fill. UK-wide survey on what’s needed and how we can fund it coming soon!

Photo by Donald Giannatti on Unsplas

Self-care meet-up for adoptees by On Being Adopted - my review

A wonderful experience with a small group of UK adoptees, including healing yoga and a safe space for sharing stories...

I’d been looking forward to Rachel from On Being Adopted’s mini-retreat for adoptees for a few months. We met on Twitter and connected over many elements of our upbringing. We both have a desire to find more creative and/or hands-on healing for trauma (in addition to talking therapies). And we're both passionate about connecting with other adoptees, specifically in the UK. 

This event was to be a mixture of yoga, which is a way many of us manage our feelings, and talking with other adoptees. I was nervous but the location - a Buddhist centre - felt very peaceful and spiritual, and the room was small enough to be intimate yet large enough for us to comfortably move through the yoga sequences Rachel had designed for us. 

Rachel took us through a series of grounding poses, mostly standing up, such as the warriors one and two, and several balancing postures. This part of the day was about an hour long. There was enough repetition of the poses to enable a sense of flow, and enough variation to keep us alert. After a series of twists, which help regulate the nervous system, we settled into a long savasana with two guided body scans. Rachel finished the session with some pranayama breathing which is good for calming the mind. 

After a break for tea and biscuits we took our places on our yoga mats again and began sharing stories. Each person talked for around 5-10 minutes and it was free-flow so we could talk about anything on our minds, rather than needing to give a linear background to our adoption. This was quite refreshing! Rachel was clear about the ground rules: everything said is confidential, and avoid interrupting and/or trying to fix anyone’s problems. This was crucial for me, as I find it very hard not offer solutions or (some might call them) platitudes. It was great to be let off the hook in this respect.

I was worried that sharing 'into the ether' with no follow-up would be rather odd. But it really surprised me that sharing in this way felt good. The knowing nods were all that was really needed! I found there were many overlaps to our experiences, yet everyone’s story was unique. It was lovely to meet some of the adoptees I have spoken to on Twitter, and see someone I met at the Open Nest Conference 2017.

I left the meet-up feeling lighter and extremely validated. Sometimes I think I’m weak for finding all this hard, or maybe I’m just not trying hard enough to make tricky issues like reunion work. This meet-up reassured me that actually it all is just very bloody hard, and we are all doing the best we can. 

Thank you to the other participants and jolly well done to Rachel for making this UK adoptee meet-up a reality. Here’s to the next one! 

Find out about more meet-ups from On Being Adopted

Express an interest in Rachel's book club for adoptees: NEW!

If you're interested in yoga for self-care, self-worth and helping with anxiety, I really like home practice with Yoga by Adriene

And if you have any ideas for future meet-ups, let me or Rachel know. Or feel free to do one of your own! Rachel has proved there is a big appetite x

Natalie @zumbanatalieuk and Rachel @onbeing_adopted