What the AdopteesOn podcast has meant to me
It’s been a long time coming but I’ve finally got a dedicated AdopteesOn blog post, after almost three years of bigging it up in other posts and on social media. This is very timely as it coincides with being interviewed by the awesome Haley Radke for AdopteesOn, and it keeps me busy while I wait to hear the edited version of our chat!
Time to celebrate being interviewed by Haley for the AdopteesOn podcast!
When planning this post I decided I wanted to recall the episodes of AdopteesOn that had the most impact on me, without going back through and listening again, just to see how good my memory is. Although I started listening in 2017, the experience was so profound that this was an easier exercise than you might think. My disclaimer is that some of these episodes I haven’t listened to again in full, so this is simply what I took from those episodes at the time of listening.
Purely from the top of my head, I can recall:
The episode with Marni and her mum
While listening to this episode I was going through some truly horrendous times in my reunion. I remember being quite pissed off that Marni and her birth mum Karen seemed to have it so sorted. They make lists of important topics to discuss and agree on and they call them ‘guiding principles’. The secret is in having boundaries! they giggled*. I was furious that it could be so ‘easy’ for them when I had been rebuffed for trying to talk about adoption to one of my birth parents.
In hindsight I also felt very slightly triggered by hearing Marni’s other mum say that dwelling on the past is off-limits; we live in the now and we enjoy what we have. Not so easy for a lot of us most of the time, I thought. Overall I am filled with happiness for them both that their reunion is going well, and I know it’s through a lot of effort on both sides so well done to you both and thank you for sharing - hearing from a first parent is very valuable.
*I’m sure they didn’t really giggle, I was in a really tough place when I listened to this in 2018.
The episode with Anne Heffron and her ex-husband
I mean, come on. Being interviewed with your ex-husband about how being adopted almost certainly contributed to your marriage breakdown. This lady does not shy away from difficult conversations. I’ve gone on (and on) about this in my ode to Anne Heffron so I won’t repeat too much here for fear of wakening the trolls.
The episode with Gareth from New Zealand
This episode really touched something for me. Gareth was unafraid to talk about his reunion issues and his relationship with anger. I’m telling you this is huge. The number of adoptees who have whispered about the A word to me (the other one!) with a sense of guilt or shame. Of course we are angry! And we need to find ways to deal with it, over and above therapy - which I would say is the first port of call but not the complete answer. When Gareth said his birth mother was also adopted, he was a twin (as I was originally) I felt like he was reaching out of the speaker and talking directly to me. I made it my mission to one day take him for a coffee. Now 11.5k miles is long way to go for a coffee, but we made it happen:
Here we are outside Auckland War Museum!
I would really recommend you check out Gareth’s art as much of it is based on themes of loss and the mother wound.
The ‘Your Daughter Is In Good Hands’ episode with artist Sharon Peck
This episode was important for me in a few ways, first it confirmed what some of the thoughts I was having about attachment theory when it comes to adopted babies. Second, it ignited my passion for seeking out other adoptee art, including poetry and theatre.
Shannon took words from her own adoption records and overlaid them onto baby clothes and blankets. Such a powerful juxtaposition. Shannon says, “On the surface, these works are ink on paper, thread on fabric, but at a foundational level, they form the backbone of an adoptee's lifelong search for self.”
Some of the powerful exhibits from Shannon Peck’s show Your Daughter Is In Good Hands
The season two finale with Jessenia from I Am Adopted
This was a powerful episode that really packed a punch. Jessenia talked about some very hard-hitting subjects including depression, suicide and suicidal ideation among adoptees. She also touched on religion and adoption which had been on my mind for a while. This episode probably ignited my passion for adoptee advocacy. Thanks to Jessenia for all her work for adoptees.
The episode with Haley’s birth father’s wife
During my aforementioned reunion troubles I listened to this episode and felt at once pleased for Haley and also sick to my stomach that I had ‘messed up’ my own reunion - by not working hard enough, not being enough basically (all that stuff the gremlins tell us that we have to try hard not to listen to). I sat poised with my eyes screwed tight shut waiting to hear what a birth father’s wife really thinks when a ‘new’ adult daughter appears.
To hear Haley’s birth father’s wife speak so openly about how some of her friends had warned how about ‘this threat to your family’ was - in a weird way - not surprising to me. A few things slotted into place. Programmes like Long Lost Family would do well to listen to this episode and learn that successful reunion involves a lot of fear, a lot of love, a lot of hard work and a bit therapy - not a unicorn in sight.
Of course there are many other amazing episodes, this is just a flavour of ones that resonated with me when I was coming out of the fog. Heartfelt thanks to Haley for her tireless work for adoptees and to all her brilliant guests for sharing their stories and helping us navigate being adopted in a world that doesn’t truly recognise what that means.
My episode airs on 11 September 2020 so make a note in your diaries. In the meantime, if you are an Adopteeson Patreon supporter you can check out my AdopteesOn OffScript episodes 22 and 24.
Other adoptee podcasts you can check out include:
