7 reasons I love Anne Heffron

I’m super excited right now because Anne Heffron is calling in live to our adopted adults support group tonight. It’s taken a lot of organising, and the technology might fail us yet (we are in London and Anne is in the States) but I can’t wait for Anne to inspire the group as she has me. 

 Many of the group members aren’t active online (think of all that spare time they must have, not being on Twitter!), so this will be the first time they’ve heard Anne’s thoughts on being adopted, and how we can live our best lives in spite of its challenges.  

So, here are the 7 reasons I love Anne:

1.    Her ability to see into my brain

Some of Anne’s blog post titles seem to be taken straight from my private diary! How does Anne see into our brains like this?? She is expert at helping adoptees feel seen and heard – and (crucially) just a little less weird.

This one, in particular, resonated: Why I am Hardwired to Beat on the Door of Someone Who Doesn't Want Me (puts most of my dating history into perspective!)

This one is also something that many of us have been thinking but unable to articulate as well as Anne: Calling it National Adoption Awareness Month is So Stupid

2.    Her granularity

Where my style is to write a Buzzfeed-style listicle with a sentence or two for each point, Anne writes a whole blog for each separate point. Her blogs can be extremely granular and she is not afraid to explore every nook and cranny in the quest for understanding and healing.

I don’t think there’s a healing method she hasn’t tried on our behalf from paddleboarding to EMDR, gratitude journaling to cold water surfing. She’s even given up chocolate and coffee for us and examined her poop.

3.    Her dedication to the adoptee cause

Anne understands the importance of living a full life beyond the challenges that being adopted can bring. She’s set up a healing retreat with therapist Pam Cordano, called Beyond Adoption: You. (Currently only available in the States.)

 She also encourages adoptees to write their stories, and says that’s been the most healing and transformative process for her, when she self-published her memoir You Don’t Look Adopted. She also understands why telling our stories is so terrifying for many of us.

When Anne is not running her retreat or her writing workshops, she can often be found talking to adoptive parents online to try to get them to see another angle. Now that’s dedication.

4.    Her honesty

One of the things I love most about Anne is her ability to say what she is really thinking, not what she thinks her readers want to hear or are ready for. She has really gone deep with some of her topics and almost speaks to unspeakable at times. 

She is honest about the depth of love she had (has) for her adoptive mother. She is also honest about how she believes she was affected by relinquishment and not always feeling seen or able to talk about being adopted when she was growing up.

On top of all this, Anne appeared on the podcast AdopteesOn with her ex-husband talking about how being adopted affects relationships. If you haven’t listened, I sincerely recommend it.

5.    Her willingness to try and fail

As Brene Brown* says, if you’re not in the arena you don’t get to criticise the person who is putting themselves out there and daring greatly. Anne is well and truly in the arena, being vulnerable, expressing her ideas and being willing to be criticised.

I see Anne as the Lena Dunham of adoptionland, she isn’t afraid of typos, of getting something wrong or saying something offensive (see below). 

*Skip to 6.30mins for the “Man in the arena” speech

6.    Her grace under fire

If something Anne says has offended someone, she tends to be extremely gracious. She handles criticism with humour and humility and she is always happy to learn and grow.  

7. How she likes to challenges us

Anne is keen to stretch her thinking, and in turn, that stretches us. She constantly tries to encourage us to stop censoring ourselves and be honest. One of her most challenging blogs for me was, The Fairy-Tale Fuckery of Reunion or You Owe Me, Bitches, Part 2

This paragraph in particular moved me on in my journey. It may have only been millimetres, but every millimetre counts when you’ve felt stuck for so long:

“I am standing here with a full bowl of food, crying because this other bowl I have is empty.

“I think I have the right to have both bowls full. I think the world owes me something. I think adopted people are owed the truth of their origins. I think I am owed the respect of family members to meet me even though I don’t fit the lifetime narrative of their family. I didn’t exist for their whole lives, and now here I am, a sister, a cousin, and aunt, and I want in.“

I like to think of this as akin to the ubiquitous Instagram quote: “You are not to blame for what happened to you, but you are responsible for how you move forward.”

Anne has also introduced us to many new terms and concepts, such as the vagus nerve, the parasympathetic nervous system and umbilical confusion. Learning is fun!

So there you have it, my fangirl blog post for Anne. P.S. This blog is not sponsored by Anne Heffron, in fact she has no idea I’ve written it. Hi Anne! Thank you for all your support, both personally and for the adoptee collective xx