Who am I? A blog about identity from an adoptee’s perspective

Identity in adoption is a very complex matter and so many times I’ve asked myself the question, “Who am I”? This question is a seemingly straightforward one to answer, but for an adoptee it can be difficult and at times impossible. I ask myself “Who am I?” on a daily basis. It’s a reoccurring question that follows me all the time and particularly at the moment because I don’t feel like I fit in with my families. I feel lost.

For me, the concept of identity started around the age of 14 when I began to explore and fight with questions like, “Who am I?” “Where did I come from?” and “Who are my parents?” For adoptees in a closed adoption like mine, it can feel like an essential need to know the answers to these questions. But filling in the blanks is a difficult and complex process when you have no information to go by. The urge to know one’s family and ancestry is a basic human desire and I feel that identity is the centre point of self-awareness and meaning in life. In fact, according to adoptee and psychologist Betty Jean Lifton, the adoptee’s search for knowledge is, “An archetypal, Jungian yearning with profound life-changing impacts on the adoptee.”

Most non-adoptees take the answers to such questions for granted, they know enough about who they are. Adoptees, on the other hand, generally have little to no information about our cultural, genetic or medical background.  This can create the feeling of being lost and disconnected from our origins. We face a lifelong journey working out who we are in relation to our adoptive and biological families and our place within each family. We wrestle with questions such as, “Do I belong?” and “Do I matter?”

Navigating the world with a dual identity 

Finding our identity comes in different waves of emotions. For me, adoption feels like I am two people and I fluctuate between two identities. One minute I feel I am my biological identity, then my adoptive identity, and then a mixture of both. Both of my identities have their ups and their downs and are full of high emotions, discomfort, pain, loss and grief. 

I live with the family who raised me, but I often feel that there’s nothing there that connects me to who I’m meant to be. And initially I hesitated slightly when it came to my biological identity. How could even think about including that side of me when I’ve been separated from them for most of my life? Even now I don’t know them as well as I would like to, as my reunion journey has not been easy. 

However, since reconnecting with my biological mother I’m starting to open up more freely and show all sides of me. I feel I now have a stronger connection to my identity. When I talk to her I feel I am ‘the real me’, although often when these conversations are over I’m back to not feeling myself. I do want to include more of my biological family in my identity, and I will do once I feel I really matter to them. It will also help to know more about my roots, my family history and who all the different members are.

The importance of names

My biological surname has always been special and it meant even more to me after it was eliminated. Just because I haven’t used my biological surname since I was eight, doesn’t mean that part of me has disappeared. Physically it has, but emotionally and mentally it’s with me every day. It’s inside of me and only I can see that. 

Growing up, I intertwined my two surnames into who I was as a person, but my biological surname always came first because I felt that was who I was. I felt my biological surname was very special. The only other person I knew who had that surname was Formula 1 driver Jenson Button and so growing up I made sure I never missed an F1 race on the TV! 

The importance of photos and stories

Another aspect of identity for me is being able to see photos from when I was very young. When I saw so many pictures of me as a baby it was very special and emotional. I’d been waiting so long to see pictures of me as an infant! Previously I felt that the first three and a bit years of my life existed – but not in their entirety. Each new photograph I see helps to build a sense of who I am.  

I also love to hear stories of when I was a baby. My maternal aunt told me one of these stories when I met her and it meant so much to me. To others these details may seem insignificant, but for me I treasure anything I hear about my past.

Who we look like

While I was growing up I hated looking in mirrors, as I didn’t resemble anyone. Looking in a mirror just accentuated the fact that I was adopted and I looked like a stranger.  I found looking in mirrors hard and it was something I avoided. 

When I began my reunion journey, I thought I really don’t mind who I look like, I just want to be able to look at my biological family and say, “Yes I can see you in me”. 

But when I met my biological mother, I found it difficult that I didn’t look like her. No matter how many times I saw her and her family, I couldn’t see me in them. Instead, they kept saying I looked like my biological father and this drove me a bit mad. I think this led to me wanting to see my biological father because I wanted to resemble somebody and see my genetic features in another person. When I finally saw him it was obvious I was his daughter – I look a lot like him and have certain characteristics from my paternal family. I hope one day I will be able to see myself in my maternal family too.

How identity shifts after reunion

After reunion I had to try and figure out a new identity for myself in order to feel calm and relaxed. It took three years to work out who I am now, and what identity means to me as an adoptee. I recently completed an Ancestry DNA test because I didn’t want to keep navigating the world as ‘a mystery’.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to figure out if I belong anywhere in this world. That may sound harsh, but it’s the reality of the adoption experience, which is often not fun at all. We have to fight to figure out our past and build our identity and that’s why it’s so important to us. 

I hope by sharing this with you today it will help others who are going through a hard time or struggling. I hope you will find comfort in reading my story and knowing you are not alone.

Danielle 

 Photo by Tachina Lee on Unsplash