Thoughts on the PAC-UK adoptee day in London for NAW 2022

Last year PAC-UK put on a day of adoptee voices for National Adoption Week online – and Gilli and I were speakers on the day and participated in the Q&A.

This year, PAC-UK put on both an online day and an in-person day. HTBA’s Lara Leon spoke at the online day about her research into the wellbeing of adopted people. Many people got in touch to say how much Lara’s talk resonated.

The in-person day was a welcome addition to the NAW calendar which tends to be 80% adoptive parents talking about “their” adoption journey in the newspapers and on the radio (the BBC in particular seem to be allergic to hearing from adopted people – even recently producing a podcast about the language used about care leavers, and only interviewing an adoptive parent).

PAC asked me to speak at the London event about coming out of the fog. Once I sat down the prepare my talk, I realised there is far too much to condense into a 20-min talk, and that I would not be able to speak to every experience in the room. So, I decided to speak from my own experience of coming out of the fog after I became a mother and how things are still very much a work-in-progress for me. If it would be helpful, I could record the talk and make it available for those who weren’t available to attend?                                                                                        

The main focus of the day was making connections with other adopted people and sharing our experiences. There were three workshops running, of which people could choose two to attend:

·      Identity

·      Reunion

·      Art therapy

I helped out with the identity workshops and today I have been thinking about the emotions and experiences shared. Firstly, it’s always interesting to note how varied people’s experiences are – from being born in a mother and baby home in the 1960s to being born in another country entirely. And, for the first time for me, there were much younger adoptees present who have a number of difficult experiences from their early years prior to being adopted. However, as always when adopted people get together, the similarities also shine though. A common refrain heard throughout the day was, “Oh my god, I thought it was just me who felt like that!” and “I’m so glad you shared that, so I’m not a freak after all!”. Even some of the younger adoptees said they managed to score a “full house” in the adoptee bingo list of ‘symptoms’ that I shared, including anxiety, rejection sensitivity, rage, people pleasing and many more. Incredibly sobering to think how we are all carrying these challenges with us as we go about our lives.

One strong theme that shone out was the number of people who had a racial, cultural or religious identity that was erased by social services and their adoptive parents. They have subsequently struggled to reconnect with this part of their identity in adulthood / post getting their adoption files or doing a DNA test. Some of the younger adoptees added that due to their early experiences of abuse and neglect meant that they had chosen to reject aspects of their identity including where they were born and names they were given.

At the end of the day, PAC-UK asked us to write down thoughts and suggested actions for adoptive parents, social workers and policy makers to take forward. It will be interesting to find out how many of these suggestions from people who have lived through the process are taken on board and changes made.

The feeling I am left with is one of absolute awe that we as adoptees keep getting back up, keep doing such courageous things every single day that no one else may ever understand. And all this while holding down a job or study, looking after a family, renewing the car insurance and checking in on an elderly neighbour, because – after all – there is no ‘coming out of the fog’ leave from work, and no ‘embarking on adoption reunion’ leave from college. We soldier on with no government support and no societal recognition. It can be a lonely place when we try to share what we are going through with family and friends who have swallowed the Long Lost Family propaganda. That’s why connecting with one another is so important.

With that in mind, PAC-UK have launched a closed Facebook group for adopted people, so get in touch with PAC-UK to join.

Keep an eye on our Eventbrite page for upcoming events - including a retreat in the Lake District 2023. We’ve also just launched a monthly Zoom for Patreon members, and our North London in-person group goes into its second year soon.

If you’re interested in starting or joining a HTBA group in your area, please reach out.

If you were at any of the events this week, drop a hello in the comments as I didn’t manage to get everyone’s details.

Lots of love, take good care as you process all the emotions of NAW.

Big love. Claire x

PS. I had a poem prepared to read, but the nerves got the better of me and a totally forgot. It’s dedicated to anyone who’s struggled with people pleasing and co-dependency.

Mary Oliver, The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice -

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voice behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do -

determined to save

the only life that you could save.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash