Adoption Impacts - Rejection and People Pleasing - by Gilli Bruce
The 1982 study by Kaplan and Silverstein highlighted 7 Lifelong Impacts of Adoption – one of the impacts identified was a fear of rejection that endures beyond the family into adult life. This is the subject of this piece where we will look at this impact of adoption and how we might come to recognise it operating as an adult.
As our recovery deepens, we start to notice more of the subtle triggers within the body – the body bracing, tensing and alerting the nervous system to a perceived threat on any number of the 7 impacts identified. The messages that become embedded in the body can feel so normal that it can be hard to sift them out from other feelings.
Internal reactions such as ‘Stay Safe’ / ‘I’m not Enough’ messages that we formulated in childhood can run the show into adulthood, so our challenge is to catch them in the act and learn to respond from an adult position – rather than a vulnerable child’s position. We may have interpreted our adoption story in distorted ways, typically our younger self made meaning of what we were told - and we have interpreted our relinquishment as meaning one, two or all of these:
We are not safe and secure - and our needs may not be met, so we operate from a position of fear and anxiety.
We are not enough, we are faulty in some way – or there must have been something wrong with us, so we operate from a position of shame and anxiety.
We were powerless, we have no say in things, we weren’t considered and had no control or autonomy, so we operate from a position of resistance or anger.
Rejection
We may become vigilant for a hint of rejection and feel sensitive, angry or hurt around perceived rejection cues such as these examples:
Not receiving contact at the usual level
Not getting eye contact or other body language cues we can interpret negatively
Not feeling included enough
Friends or close others making new choices such as moving away or making plans that don’t include us or result in distance
Being excluded or cancelled on for unknown reasons
Mood fluctuations of others that may have nothing to do with us
Not being selected for things being perceived as ‘not good enough’
Not being enquired about – or other interpretations that others are not interested in us
Or many other behaviours that our sensitive systems interpret as rejection
Rejection can be a core issue for adoptees, and our systems all adopt different leading strategies for managing this triggering fear:
Some may get angry and operate from the ‘Fight’ response that leaps into action to perceived threat of rejection.
Some may use the ‘Flight’ response and just leave the scene, rejecting others before they reject them.
Some ‘Freeze’ and find themselves unable to respond in any meaningful way when perceived rejection is registered.
Others – go into ‘Freeze– then fawn’ as the nervous system registers the freeze response, then drops automatically into the less know ‘Fawn’ response, also known as ‘Please and Appease’.
Most of us will experience some of these operating on their own or in a combination. These automatic reactions are created by the body – we don’t decide to do them - and we may feel powerless over them – awareness is the key in starting to manage these reactions.
The Freeze – Fawn Response / Please & Appease / People Pleasing / The Please Others Driver
Whichever label we use The Freeze – Fawn response / Please & appease responses can be known to us - as the need to please others, to nurture or rescue others as an almost compulsive reaction rather than simply a kind gesture from the heart.
The difference lies in the motivation behind our actions. Pleasing others may have been the response our body chose as its preferred way to manage the fear of rejection. Naturally, we can all act from a kind heart too, but the Fawn / Please others drive comes from a different motivation.
The ‘Please Others’ driver can be linked to adverse childhood experiences or traumatic events. People pleasing can form to protect us from negative things that happened OR around the positive conditions for secure attachment that didn’t happen – which we now know to be equally as damaging.
Maybe we were relinquished as a baby and the maternal bond was lost.
Maybe our parents weren’t attuned to our emotional needs and connection felt weak of non-existent, this is common in adoptees as adopting parents had no idea that we needed to talk about our adoption and be seen heard, understood and soothed.
Maybe there was a lack of loving affection, touch and hugs that every child needs to feel securely attached and bonded.
Maybe we never got listened to or never felt heard so we tried harder to earn the right to a voice.
Maybe there was a deficit in attention, and we were left alone a lot, even if parents are just busy – the child felt the lack.
Maybe there was neglect - so we didn’t feel cared for or cared about.
Maybe we never got to feel that we belonged in our family - we felt different and we looked different, we had different talents and we had different voices.
Or other needs that weren’t met that we felt the lack of – and thought we could maybe earn if we were pleasing enough.
And of course, negative experiences that happened could create a need to attempt to stay safe and secure by earning this too.
A ‘Please Others’ driver
This doesn’t usually operate alone – we can imagine it as the head of a team that all serve to please others and avoid displeasing, such as:
Don’t argue / create conflict/ don’t be any trouble – it’s too risky.
Hurry Up – don’t annoy anyone by keeping them waiting – anxiety if going to be late.
Minimise difficult feelings – stuff them down and carry on - don’t express them.
Try hard - become indispensable - be there whenever they need you.
Do everything you can to earn approval, loyalty, admiration or to be valued – being a helper e.g. the one helping to clear up at parties, offering lifts or favours.
Be perfect so that there’s no reason to be rejected.
Open / porous boundaries, weak boundaries or no boundaries with others – holding boundaries = risky.
Say ‘Yes’ when we’d rather say ‘NO’.
Not stating clearly or asking for what we want, need or desire.
Many other ways in which we may strive to please and avoid displeasing.
These are Normal Responses to Abnormal Situations. These behaviours happen due to unmet needs in childhood. We may have experienced unmet needs around felt safety, so please to feel safe and secure and to avoid rejection. We may have had unmet needs around our value or worth and carry a sense of shame, so we please others to earn the right to feel we belong, to feel loved and valued. We may have unmet needs around autonomy and control and carry underlying anger, so we may please others to earn the right to self-agency, control or to do things the way we want to.
As adoptees we may or may not use a strategy of pleasing others but if we do – we are likely to people please or attend to others to soothe our anxiety around not really belonging, or not really being loved for ourselves, there may be other subconscious reasons too.
A feature of a Please Others driver is that we may not notice red flags – whether with partners, colleagues or friends we may disregard negative behaviours, or we do notice them – but take red flag behaviours as an indication that we need to try harder or do better. We may even up our game to be what others want / need as a result of red-flag behaviours, and become more determined to win over the person we want to impress or wish to keep on board.
If we had adverse childhood experiences or trauma this can be our subconscious attempt to correct the past and to earn the loving care we needed, this time. Subconsciously we are trying to correct the former hurts or deficits of childhood. If care givers were ambivalent or even avoidant in their attachment style – we will seek out people like this - so that the past can be ‘fixed’ - the trouble is, what we are seeking is dysfunctional love, that whilst it feels familiar, isn’t what we actually want!
Often people pleasing starts in childhood when we didn’t get the loving attunement, attention or loving cues we needed. If a child feels unseen or unheard and their needs are not fully met, we may try to nurture, rescue or please to get it back. We are likely to either avoid displeasing in equal measures.
People pleasing is exhausting – we may be trying our hardest to be good and caring when we feel an inner loneliness or emptiness that needs to be filled up.
How to make some shifts
Reflect on the past using a journal, record in two ways:
What were the bad things that happened? Events, memories, feelings around things that felt hurtful, unloving, difficult, abusive or traumatic (if there are traumatic memories record these without detail for now until you can work with a trained professional). What was hard for you?
What good things should have happened but didn’t? In what ways did you feel a sense of lack or absence? Which deficits in your childhood did you experience? Maybe you became aware that friends had parenting that seemed different, richer or more loving than your own? What was missing for you?
Be aware we won’t have memories of things that didn’t happen – because nothing happened!
Build self-awareness – start to develop awareness of what happens just before the pleasing thoughts and behaviours.
You might notice a slight tension in the tummy, tension in the jaw, shoulders or somewhere else. You might notice a slight anxiety which is so familiar you barely spot it.
You might notice a need to move or shift, a restlessness or a fidgety feeling that could be the start of a mini-Flight response.
You might notice emotions such as shame, anger, anxiety or panic – these may be so familiar that they seem ‘normal’.
You might notice thoughts that you could write down in a sentence to return to later and reflect upon – were they the thoughts of an adult with a solid sense of self – or do they feel ‘young’? E.g. ‘I’d better go along tonight, he’ll be annoyed if I don’t’ – is that even true?
Notice habitual behaviours and patterns that you feel obliged to follow even if you don’t really want to. This includes things you do because internal ‘rules’ that say you ‘Should’, ‘Ought to’, or ‘Must’.
Identify the part of you that feels the need to please / not displease – how old is that part of you?
Having identified the younger part of you that drives people pleasing - bring compassion to that part. Ensure that you avoid criticising or berating this younger part and treat this younger part with the loving care and compassion that a loving parent would.
Remind that part that you are now aged xyz and can now make different strategies.
Remind the younger part that only babies, infants or young children can be abandoned (which could potentially be life-threatening) – at this adult age now, you can only be left, and it won’t be life threatening if you are left.
Practice – new behaviours may feel uncomfortable but are doable! We all have the right to; say ‘No’, assert our needs, wants, opinions and desires and we can learn the skills to do this effectively.
You could look into exploring, for example:
A programme of Co-dependency recovery such as CODA UK’s 12 step fellowship programme.
Assertiveness training, setting and holding boundaries. Developing effective communication skills can be empowering at any age – it is never too late to change and grow.
Disclaimer: The inforamation contained within How To Be Adopted is not a replacement for medical or psychological advice. Always seek personalised guidance from a professional.
Photo by whoislimos on Unsplash
