Finding a peer support group for adopted people or an adoptee meet-up

If you’re looking for the opportunity to meet with other adopted people, there are a number of ways. Connecting with other adoptees can be life-changing so it’s well worth putting in some time and effort to find your tribe.

First you can see if there is an adoptee peer support group near you… no need to reinvent the wheel, as they say! Groups are springing up all over the UK, which is fabulous.

5 steps to finding an adoptee group:

1. Check if there’s already an adoptee group in your area - there are several well established groups including in London, Devon, Cornwall, Manchester and Bristol.

2. Ask How To Be Adopted to check - we can find out if there’s a fledging group in your area or an adoptee who’s shown an interest that you could join forces with.

3. Advertise locally, eg the library, local noticeboards, local Facebook pages - you’d be surprised who might see it and think YES!

4. Ask your local authority if they have a group for adult adoptees. Bear in mind that social workers may attend these groups. It’s not a deal breaker for most people but some prefer it to be adoptees only. If you’re not sure how to find details, I recommend Googling “adoption + name of your local borough” and this should redirect you to your regional adoption agency website.

5. Set one up yourself! Again, you can use local methods to advertise or ask How To Be Adopted to put something on the website and in the emails, which go to over 1,000 people.

Tips for starting a group for adoptees:

• Stick to a time and day of the month if you can, this may exclude some people but it helps to maintain continuity and reduces admin on the people organising the adoptee group. Most people find monthly is the right frequency.

• Commit for 12 months if you can, results only usually start to show after about 6 months.

• Consider paying for a (adoptee sensitive) facilitator if you can afford it as this takes the burden off one person to ‘run’ the meetings. If this is not possible, make sure the person or people who do the organising of the meeting venue, etc, are not also expected to run the meeting themselves as this can mean they feel pressure/responsibility and are not able to get the most out of the group. It needs to be a shared effort.

• Implement groundrules and boundaries - require people to read and agree to them before they attend. Be clear about what happens if they are not stuck to. An example of this happened in one group where someone was inappropriately contacting another group member on WhatsApp. This is one disadvantage of not having a facilitator - these issues have to tackled by the group members themselves.

  HTBA Example meeting agreement, you are welcome to use.

  Gilli Bruce helped form the meeting agreement/groundrules and uses them for her virtual online adoptee support group and the groups she runs with PAC-UK. Of course, groundrules can evolve so it’s worth checking in every 6 months or so to see if anyone has amends or additions to suggest.

• Consider having a chat with each person before they come along to see where they’re at and if this is the right time for them to attend a group. If not, signpost to other support organisations such as PAC-UK, Mind and Samaritans. Remember some people may be vulnerable and/or triggered by coming along. In an ideal world we would have safe groups that are ‘held’ by an adoptee-sensitive professional, ideally a therapist (not social worker) trained in facilitating groups. On the other hand, 80% of adoptees have never met another adopted person and in lieu of anything else being available, it can really help to connect with one another!

• Some people will come once but not come back. In my experience that’s all par for the course. If this happens, you could ask them to send you a short message letting you know they are ok.

• Don’t discount online groups - they can be useful for those in very rural locations, anyone who has a disability or health condition, solo parents, and people with little spare time due to work or caring responsibilities.

• Tailored groups exist for younger adoptees, lgbtq+ adoptees, adoptees of colour, international adoptees, etc. A good place to start is The Dunbar Project.

  There are even plans for a HTBA sub-group for children of adoptees! To register your interest, get in touch.

The North London group, we will be turning 4 in November!

Additional things to consider:

• Consider who the group will be open to. There are several grey areas that you may need to make a decision on in order to keep the group a safe and comfortable space for adopted people. Examples include: adoptees who have gone on to adopt, people who have been adopted by their step-father, people who have been adopted by their grandparents, people who have a parent who is adopted. While there is no doubt more support groups are needed for everyone affected by adoption, it can help to be slightly narrow as - remember - it is rare for adoptees to find a space they can truly speak and share freely.

• When finding a venue for your adoptee group, a quiet space is best. However, don’t discount pubs as although not first choice for many due to related issues with addiction, some have back rooms that are free during the day.

• Ask your local authority for support with finding a room, a facilitator, funding for the admin, marketing and logistics - remember that the government’s remit for adoption includes supporting adult adoptees so we are as entitled to their time and resources as adoptive parents (who they tend to prioritise in their services).

• Be cheeky and ask for local support. North London estate agent Tatlers generously paid for the North London adoptee group to have a lovely Christmas meal at The Clissold Arms in 2022 and 2024.

• Just like joining any new community, there will be some people you click with and some you don’t. Try to listen to your gut and avoid the people pleasing and - who knows - you may find the person (or people) that ‘gets you’. Connection really helps to feel less alone, reduce shame and boost wellbeing.

  If you belong to an adoptee group, feel free to post about it below in the comments and let other adopted people know about it.

The North London group again, we love a big table!

2024 adoptee round up

Happy new year! Time to round up some of last year’s highlights.

25th January 2025 afternoon retreat: book now

Places are going fast for the HTBA annual January adoptee community retreat with Claire and Gilli. You can see a rough agenda here and book your place. Suggested donation is £15 but you can put anything from £1 in order to check out. It’s running online from 2-5pm and we’ll cover the effect of trauma on the body and some tips on finding/starting an adoptee group near you.

Book now

2024 highlights

BBC Radio 4 Women’s Hour

Women’s Hour has been a dream for me for a long time. It was amazing to finally get the call, but bittersweet as well because I was talking about some very heartbreaking family circumstances rather than just bigging up How To Be Adopted and other great adoptee organisations.

Listen back to Claire from How To Be Adopted on Women’s Hour talking about a new report that recommends changes to contact arrangements (aka maintaining relationships) after adoption. It starts around 20 mins in.Also interviewed is Prof Beth Neil. You can learn more about the proposed changes to modern adoption practice here.

Expansion of adoptee peer groups throughout the UK

Groups are going strong, with contingents in London, Bristol, Devon, Cornwall and more. The fabulous Ryan in Edinburgh ran an amazing run of adoptee meet ups including breakfast, lunch and dinner!

‘We Are Family’ webinar on adoptees becoming parents

I’m regularly asked to present to adoptive parents and I always say no, until this year! Professor Beth Neil asked me to speak about my lived experience of being an adopted person and becoming a parent. This was part of a webinar for We Are Family and within the huor we managed to cover Beth’s extensive research into what happens when adopted people become parents, as well as two adoptees’ experiences - mine and Daniel Bishop who you may remember from this brillaint guest blog on being a late-discovery adoptee.

Currently only members of WAF can watch the talk back.

Anniversary of changing the Ofsted law re adoptees accessing counselling

18th December marked a year since the law change! I’d love to know your stories on how the law change has impacted you whether you’re a therapist or adopted person.

HTBA North London group Christmas meal

Sponsored by Tatlers estate agency, we had a wonderful Christmas lunch.

Before you go

Please make sure you’re signed up to the emails as that’s where we share goings on in adopteeland like books, plays, podcasts, etc.

Adoption Impacts - Rejection and People Pleasing - by Gilli Bruce

The 1982 study by Kaplan and Silverstein highlighted 7 Lifelong Impacts of Adoption – one of the impacts identified was a fear of rejection that endures beyond the family into adult life. This is the subject of this piece where we will look at this impact of adoption and how we might come to recognise it operating as an adult.

As our recovery deepens, we start to notice more of the subtle triggers within the body – the body bracing, tensing and alerting the nervous system to a perceived threat on any number of the 7 impacts identified.  The messages that become embedded in the body can feel so normal that it can be hard to sift them out from other feelings.

Internal reactions such as ‘Stay Safe’ / ‘I’m not Enough’ messages that we formulated in childhood can run the show into adulthood, so our challenge is to catch them in the act and learn to respond from an adult position – rather than a vulnerable child’s position.  We may have interpreted our adoption story in distorted ways, typically our younger self made meaning of what we were told - and we have interpreted our relinquishment as meaning one, two or all of these:

• We are not safe and secure - and our needs may not be met, so we operate from a position of fear and anxiety.

• We are not enough, we are faulty in some way – or there must have been something wrong with us, so we operate from a position of shame and anxiety.

• We were powerless, we have no say in things, we weren’t considered and had no control or autonomy, so we operate from a position of resistance or anger.

Rejection

We may become vigilant for a hint of rejection and feel sensitive, angry or hurt around perceived rejection cues such as these examples:

• Not receiving contact at the usual level

• Not getting eye contact or other body language cues we can interpret negatively

• Not feeling included enough

• Friends or close others making new choices such as moving away or making plans that don’t include us or result in distance

• Being excluded or cancelled on for unknown reasons

• Mood fluctuations of others that may have nothing to do with us

• Not being selected for things being perceived as ‘not good enough’

• Not being enquired about – or other interpretations that others are not interested in us

• Or many other behaviours that our sensitive systems interpret as rejection

Rejection can be a core issue for adoptees, and our systems all adopt different leading strategies for managing this triggering fear:

• Some may get angry and operate from the ‘Fight’ response that leaps into action to perceived threat of rejection.

• Some may use the ‘Flight’ response and just leave the scene, rejecting others before they reject them.

• Some ‘Freeze’ and find themselves unable to respond in any meaningful way when perceived rejection is registered.

• Others – go into ‘Freeze– then fawn’ as the nervous system registers the freeze response, then drops automatically into the less know ‘Fawn’ response, also known as ‘Please and Appease’.

Most of us will experience some of these operating on their own or in a combination. These automatic reactions are created by the body – we don’t decide to do them - and we may feel powerless over them – awareness is the key in starting to manage these reactions.   

The Freeze – Fawn Response / Please & Appease / People Pleasing / The Please Others Driver

Whichever label we use The Freeze – Fawn response / Please & appease responses can be known to us - as the need to please others, to nurture or rescue others as an almost compulsive reaction rather than simply a kind gesture from the heart.  

The difference lies in the motivation behind our actions. Pleasing others may have been the response our body chose as its preferred way to manage the fear of rejection. Naturally, we can all act from a kind heart too, but the Fawn / Please others drive comes from a different motivation.

The ‘Please Others’ driver can be linked to adverse childhood experiences or traumatic events. People pleasing can form to protect us from negative things that happened OR around the positive conditions for secure attachment that didn’t happen – which we now know to be equally as damaging.

• Maybe we were relinquished as a baby and the maternal bond was lost.

• Maybe our parents weren’t attuned to our emotional needs and connection felt weak of non-existent, this is common in adoptees as adopting parents had no idea that we needed to talk about our adoption and be seen heard, understood and soothed.

• Maybe there was a lack of loving affection, touch and hugs that every child needs to feel securely attached and bonded.

• Maybe we never got listened to or never felt heard so we tried harder to earn the right to a voice.

• Maybe there was a deficit in attention, and we were left alone a lot, even if parents are just busy – the child felt the lack.

• Maybe there was neglect - so we didn’t feel cared for or cared about.

• Maybe we never got to feel that we belonged in our family - we felt different and we looked different, we had different talents and we had different voices.

• Or other needs that weren’t met that we felt the lack of – and thought we could maybe earn if we were pleasing enough.

And of course, negative experiences that happened could create a need to attempt to stay safe and secure by earning this too.

A ‘Please Others’ driver

This doesn’t usually operate alone – we can imagine it as the head of a team that all serve to please others and avoid displeasing, such as:

• Don’t argue / create conflict/ don’t be any trouble – it’s too risky.

• Hurry Up – don’t annoy anyone by keeping them waiting – anxiety if going to be late.

• Minimise difficult feelings – stuff them down and carry on - don’t express them.

• Try hard - become indispensable - be there whenever they need you.

• Do everything you can to earn approval, loyalty, admiration or to be valued – being a helper e.g. the one helping to clear up at parties, offering lifts or favours.

• Be perfect so that there’s no reason to be rejected.

• Open / porous boundaries, weak boundaries or no boundaries with others – holding boundaries = risky.

• Say ‘Yes’ when we’d rather say ‘NO’.

• Not stating clearly or asking for what we want, need or desire.

• Many other ways in which we may strive to please and avoid displeasing.

These are Normal Responses to Abnormal Situations. These behaviours happen due to unmet needs in childhood. We may have experienced unmet needs around felt safety, so please to feel safe and secure and to avoid rejection. We may have had unmet needs around our value or worth and carry a sense of shame, so we please others to earn the right to feel we belong, to feel loved and valued. We may have unmet needs around autonomy and control and carry underlying anger, so we may please others to earn the right to self-agency, control or to do things the way we want to.

As adoptees we may or may not use a strategy of pleasing others but if we do – we are likely to people please or attend to others to soothe our anxiety around not really belonging, or not really being loved for ourselves, there may be other subconscious reasons too.

A feature of a Please Others driver is that we may not notice red flags – whether with partners, colleagues or friends we may disregard negative behaviours, or we do notice them – but take red flag behaviours as an indication that we need to try harder or do better.  We may even up our game to be what others want / need as a result of red-flag behaviours, and become more determined to win over the person we want to impress or wish to keep on board.  

If we had adverse childhood experiences or trauma this can be our subconscious attempt to correct the past and to earn the loving care we needed, this time. Subconsciously we are trying to correct the former hurts or deficits of childhood. If care givers were ambivalent or even avoidant in their attachment style – we will seek out people like this - so that the past can be ‘fixed’ - the trouble is, what we are seeking is dysfunctional love, that whilst it feels familiar, isn’t what we actually want!

Often people pleasing starts in childhood when we didn’t get the loving attunement, attention or loving cues we needed. If a child feels unseen or unheard and their needs are not fully met, we may try to nurture, rescue or please to get it back. We are likely to either avoid displeasing in equal measures.

People pleasing is exhausting – we may be trying our hardest to be good and caring when we feel an inner loneliness or emptiness that needs to be filled up.

How to make some shifts

Reflect on the past using a journal, record in two ways:

1. What were the bad things that happened? Events, memories, feelings around things that felt hurtful, unloving, difficult, abusive or traumatic (if there are traumatic memories record these without detail for now until you can work with a trained professional).  What was hard for you?

2. What good things should have happened but didn’t? In what ways did you feel a sense of lack or absence? Which deficits in your childhood did you experience?  Maybe you became aware that friends had parenting that seemed different, richer or more loving than your own? What was missing for you?

Be aware we won’t have memories of things that didn’t happen – because nothing happened!

Build self-awareness – start to develop awareness of what happens just before the pleasing thoughts and behaviours.

• You might notice a slight tension in the tummy, tension in the jaw, shoulders or somewhere else. You might notice a slight anxiety which is so familiar you barely spot it.

• You might notice a need to move or shift, a restlessness or a fidgety feeling that could be the start of a mini-Flight response.

• You might notice emotions such as shame, anger, anxiety or panic – these may be so familiar that they seem ‘normal’.

• You might notice thoughts that you could write down in a sentence to return to later and reflect upon – were they the thoughts of an adult with a solid sense of self – or do they feel ‘young’? E.g. ‘I’d better go along tonight, he’ll be annoyed if I don’t’ – is that even true?

• Notice habitual behaviours and patterns that you feel obliged to follow even if you don’t really want to. This includes things you do because internal ‘rules’ that say you ‘Should’, ‘Ought to’, or ‘Must’.

Identify the part of you that feels the need to please / not displease – how old is that part of you?

• Having identified the younger part of you that drives people pleasing - bring compassion to that part. Ensure that you avoid criticising or berating this younger part and treat this younger part with the loving care and compassion that a loving parent would.

• Remind that part that you are now aged xyz and can now make different strategies.

• Remind the younger part that only babies, infants or young children can be abandoned (which could potentially be life-threatening) – at this adult age now, you can only be left, and it won’t be life threatening if you are left.

Practice – new behaviours may feel uncomfortable but are doable! We all have the right to; say ‘No’, assert our needs, wants, opinions and desires and we can learn the skills to do this effectively.  

You could look into exploring, for example:

• A programme of Co-dependency recovery such as CODA UK’s 12 step fellowship programme.

• Assertiveness training, setting and holding boundaries. Developing effective communication skills can be empowering at any age – it is never too late to change and grow.

Disclaimer: The inforamation contained within How To Be Adopted is not a replacement for medical or psychological advice. Always seek personalised guidance from a professional.

Photo by whoislimos on Unsplash

Bad Robots, Wolves and Monsters

 Trigger warning: abuse

Hello world

Being a gay, disabled, bastard, abomination who always believed in aliens and used cannabis for a medicine for decades before getting it legally with a private prescription in 2022, I think it's safe to claim that I've had a bit of a rocky ride and bump start of a very different kind.

Although very challenging and intensely painful, it's also been a colourful, interesting and most enlightening experience and occasionally finding beauty in the darkest of places and I genuinely believe that it was the unacknowledged pain and trauma from my adoption that fortunately provided the strength and resilience that was necessary to survive the incredible misfortunes that I inevitably would and did go on to endure.

Bad baby, bad blood 

Born in the 1960s, relinquished at 12 days old and didn't stop crying until about 1972 (not joking), a garden variety standard closed adoption as my birth parents were under age and still at school when I was conceived and only just 16 yrs when I was born. My adoptive parents had two boys of their own and wanted a girl after learning that they could not have any more children naturally. 

My parents, as did everyone in those days, believed in the proverbial myth or fairytale ending that finding a family and home for the baby would solve the problems all round. Great intentions and an act of love that unfortunately turned into a dystopian nightmare that truly was stranger than fiction and had only just begun!

Not only did I not stop crying, I had difficulties being fed as a baby and often tipped my dinner over my head as an infant along with never being able to sleep and kept the whole family and neighbours up at night for years, so really, really not a ‘good baby’ because the trauma was not recognised so everyone suffered without any help, support or relevant knowledge.

Brave new world

My parents told me that I was adopted as soon as I was old enough to understand. I was 5 years old and all I remember is that they explained that they were not my real parents because the people that made me couldn’t look after me because they were too young and still at school. They also said that I was special and lucky because I had been chosen and then sent me to my room to think about what they had said. I sat on the edge of my bed and just looked out of my window. I think my heart, brain and mind went supernova at that moment, like a quantum shock that I felt as it resonated through my mind, body and spirit. That memory is still incredibly vivid because the intensity of loneliness that I felt was so profound. One of my two older brothers came in my room, sat beside me on my bed, reached his arm out and softly said “its ok, you will always be my sister”, unfortunately, because his skin complexion was fairer than mine, his blue veins stuck out and looked like wires under his skin, so of course, I thought he was a robot and let out a sudden and blood curdling scream that was probably heard in Watford. I think my brother may have run out of the room at that point and probably screamed himself! I don’t remember anything more, to this day.

I did have an infant inkling that something was wrong as I started to run away quite literally as soon as I could walk. A runaway and as a toddler, just round the block and found at the shops more often than not, I ran away from primary school and rather proud to of gotten over such a high gate at such a young age, even the teachers were impressed with that one and then at age 10, I managed to get all the way to London and all I got for that was a severe telling off by my parents and the police, can’t say that it helped even though a social worker visited afterwards but I was not allowed alone in the room with her at home and I was full of too much toxic shame to contact them afterwards and unfortunately, the amazing Dame Esther Rantzen’s ‘childline’ came too late for me as I was a teenager by then and I really didn't think anyone would or could believe me.

Doodle bugs and apple crumble

Despite a rather turbulent and toxic relationship with my adoptive mother, we did love each other in our own way and did have our moments, in between rows and general merry hell, I was one of the few people who could make her laugh, which indeed was an accomplishment in itself and provided moments of much needed connection, for us both. Although we were diametrically opposed on all levels and being a formidable character I was terrified of her but she did have a very decent side with impossibly high standards, which I now appreciate, she kept impeccable homes and immaculate gardens, she was well educated and had a good job and was very well spoken and presented. She also had a harsh and intensely strict upbringing that would have made ‘Nora Batty’ shake in her boots and she survived the blitz and the harrowing post war times that are unimaginable to me and with no support, so I can see why she couldn't cope with me being afraid of the hoover when I was little after dodging doodlebugs at the same age and found me so very difficult from the off.

I remember that she told me about the strange whistling sound that the doodlebug bombs made when they were raining down from the London sky and knowing when and roughly where they were going to hit due to them falling silent just before impact. I still cannot imagine how terrifying that must have been for the adults let alone the children and then not knowing if your home or school etc had been hit until you re-emerge from the underground after the bombing raid and find out!

She was traditional in every way and her apple crumble was superb and always served with proper custard of course, none of that instant fandangled stuff, whatever next and not on the dinner table, alongside elbows! My father always said “all joints on the table will be calved”. He was also quite reassuringly terrified of her at times himself and yes, he survived the blitz but as the running family joke goes, because he had an Anderson Shelter in his back garden, he was the posh one and didn't get much sympathy even though it really was just a hole dug out of the lawn with a piece of corrugated metal over the top and also completely useless in the winter or rain, so under the dinning table against a wall or under the stairs indoors for most of it anyway!

Pole position for Pa

Being a tomboy and unable to relate to anything feminine and because of his calm and fair nature, I got on with my adoptive father better than anybody else and it did cause a few problems for everyone but the family dynamics were rather complex as ever and for most families in general as well of course, so no surprises there. He was not popular when sticking up for me on occasions and also got into a lot of trouble himself with his impulsive humour and antics which to be honest were probably fuelled further due to an environment of constant criticism and toxic atmospheres, he was indeed a constant mediator within a symphony of emotional chaos, which was indeed mainly anger. Consistently blaming the dog for his flatulence really didn't help matters either but was indeed utterly hilarious on every occasion.

The jelly incident of 83 is a classic example when an impromptu physics experiment alchemised into pudding hellfire, basically my father couldn't resist as the jelly was fascinatingly loose because it had not set properly (not that anyone dared to complain), so using just pure suction rather than putting the spoon in his mouth, the jelly flew in a tiny lime green and rather impressive vortex, straight off the spoon and into his mouth without spilling a drop. My mother went from ballistic to nuclear in slightly less than the speed of light or maybe a nano second, there was no time to calculate. This lead to the banishment of jelly until two decades later with a large bowl of strawberry jelly (perhaps raspberry, I didn't have the courage to go near it) for the ruby wedding anniversary and nothing since up until and including their diamond wedding anniversary another two decades later, thankfully, that one was at a restaurant and no jelly on the menu, phew!

My lifelong love and insane enthusiasm for motor sport, motorbikes and racing came from my father. I am super crazy bonkers about electric powered vehicles and new classes of racing as they evolve also and with such passion. It feels like it's in the blood but perhaps as far as I know maybe it's in the nurture and I am not complaining as I feel like I am a bit of a cocktail, well shaken but sometimes stirred and always my own unique bitter-sweet blend.

Never the twain shall weep

As for my two brothers I was the most unlikely sister imaginable and a frightfully noisy one to say the least. Misunderstood and so very different we struggled to relate to each other and I was obviously a nightmare at times and this was a barrier because they managed to ‘toe the line’ and were sensible with me being the wild child in comparison but not by today's standards I may add, nothing bad or nasty I was just perceived as naughty, cheeky and yes, a bit much compared to the norm in many ways.

They had a lot to deal with and the world was not as friendly towards gay sisters compared to married or hetrosexual ones, plus I walked a very different path with the invisible disability of chronic pain even though I had surgery on my lower spine twice in my lifetime as well as my otherness. I went off to pubs and clubs, liked weird music, motorbikes and moved home about 19 different times over my lifetime, to date, not normal and not stable but I never ended up in trouble or the wrong side of the law either as I am quite respectable in the most important ways and never forgot the standards that I was raised with (well, most of the them). Ok yes, maybe a few parking fines, a bit of speeding and the wacky baccy but hardly the crime of the century at any given moment.

My brothers did not escape from the restrictive conditioning of the times and mother of course, unhappy  experiences and effects from the generational trauma no doubt as well as their own fears and insecurities to say the least. But they fared better and have great careers and yes impeccable homes and gardens where relevant and well educated, well presented etc, sound familiar! It's quite remarkable considering all the stigma and despite our differences and challenges, including resentments and limitations within our relationships that we are all still in contact and polite to each other.

Born free and a bit wild

It's no wonder that my favourite film as a child was ‘Born Free’ the true story of Elsa the lion who was orphaned and rescued by a couple in Kenya and then sadly were forced to be released back into the wild against the owners will, but she survived despite being domesticated and continued to visit on many occasions over the years, even with her cubs. I guess it resonated so very much with me because I felt a bit wild myself, being brought up by strangers and having no contact or knowledge of my birth family, so the upside of not truly belonging anywhere for me was the sense of freedom, wild and free just like Elsa the lion but also to have such a strong attachment and rare bond between humans and a lion is incredible and therefore so very special and I guess feeling so alienated and lonely it made any connections that I had even more important and special for me. Not forgetting of course the wonderful theme tune, I still find it so moving and beautiful to this day.

I can now understand at a much deeper level why this film touched me so very much as it's all about freedom, wilderness, wildness and bonding, these days I listen to the theme tune in my car at full volume, windows down and without shame, like a true old fart, it’s a wonderful rush and still evokes such a happy, wild feeling of aspiring freedom, right up until I get stuck in a traffic jam and my wonder-bubble is truly burst and reality smacks me in the chops again.

Schools out and ouch

Secondary school was less than productive and I left with 3 rubbish CSE’s but a whole load of painful but useful human experience, ultra alienation, extra inferiority, more toxic shame, how to skive off and learn about alcohol, drugs and great music, to name a few basics. At 11 years, the first year as it was back then, I was sent for the cane, which the girls received on the hands, for smoking, it hurt but I didn't cry and yes it stung like, well being whacked with a stick, but I didn't cave in, I am used to punishment and don't like to be beaten when I am beaten. When I got the cane again in the second year for smoking, I asked if they would not inform my parents this time as I received a bigger punishment for it at home, they were good and didn't send the letter. In the third year I got the cane again, yup, smoking, again, no tears or letter, this time. Finally in the 4th year, when sent for the cane again, yup, smoking, I remember the deputy headmistress asked if I was going to stop smoking and I replied “No Miss” she then stated that there was no point in caning me again as it simply hadn't worked. I thereby quite unintentionally declared and proved beyond all doubt that corporal punishment was absolutely ineffective and completely pointless, thankfully it was banned a few years later and many years too late as the boys received it across their backsides and could and did on many occasions cause damage to the reproductive organs as well as the emotional damage for all.

I was teased now and then because of my adoption and excluded from a childcare lesson on adoption and fostering also, as well as being bullied but standing up to and befriending the worst bully, as she was being bullied at home also, it works both ways, another non curriculum lesson that I appreciated. Whenever I did speak out or had an inquiry or emotional need concerning my adoption or birth family it was always squashed with that old favourite ‘You’ve got a chip on your shoulder’ followed by the obligatory, 'you're so lucky and where would you be if you weren't adopted? Also of course ‘you can't miss what you never had’ and ‘you were too young to remember’? I disagree, considering I did, and I actually think that not getting what you needed makes you miss and want it even more!

I would now say that it's not just a chip on the shoulder but a whopping and stomping giant potato with an almighty gravitational pull on my heart that's a stronger energy than the gravitational pull that's keeping my feet upon this Earth at times and yes I wouldn't have these problems to feel so lucky about if I had not been relinquished and adopted in the first place, in fact I couldn't agree more!

I ended up getting expelled from school, in the final year a few months before I was due to leave anyway because I continued to wear trousers and my Parker after an ultimatum with the deputy headmaster. I was a mod in those days and always having been a tomboy, the modette lifestyle didn't suit me at all and I couldn't bear to wear skirts and dresses at the best of times. I felt like a man in drag and found it unbearable. I didn't tell my parents and pretended to go to school every morning as I was well practised after all.

Bad robots, wolves and monsters

I continued through life with my own educational system which was to learn how to survive and navigate around bad robots, wolves and monsters of the human variety and then eventually discovered further education as an adult and to be honest it was the best time for me to learn anyway and a whole lot easier to manage than school.

I felt like a robot that is programmed and conditioned to never complain or hurt others, stand up for myself or make any demands and due to the adoption issues I as many have fallen prey to victimhood at times and had to negotiate and navigate amongst bad robots, wolves and monsters and never feeling good enough to be worthy of nice people. Bad robots mean well but they don't have the lived experience to see through the bullshit and hurt you without knowing and without intention, wolves will see your kindness as weakness and hurt you while walking away laughing at you every time and well, we all know what a monster is and abuse happens in many forms and in many extremes, not always hidden and often by the nearest and dearest themselves.

The Abyss 

Philosophy rocked my boat and in a good way, as Nietzsche said, ‘if you stare into the abyss…the abyss stares back’. This really resonated for me and it seems like a wonderful analogy for the journey and mystery of life for an adoptee, feeling dazed, lost, confused, constantly searching for answers with all encompassing self-reflection and analysis, whilst navigating through our overly complex lives and trying to find a reality that I could understand and that made sense. The darkness of depression can be all consuming at times, devouring all the positivity but still trying to avoid the primal wound that's lurking in the depths and always swallowed me up in the end. With deep rooted and overwhelming feelings of loss, intense loneliness, inferiority, obliterated self worth, guilt, shame and much confusion around identity and purpose. At my worst I literally feel light years away from love and that I truly do not belong because I was never supposed to have been here, a profound logical truth that I could never deny, and as for the fear, I felt it to some degree, everywhere and in every cell in my body, it felt inescapable and a natural biological state because I am just a big baby and can't cope like normal people and it was just another secret, why not, at least this secret gave me some control.  

My Primal Wound 

There are not enough words in any language to describe the unbearable pain of the primal wound. Once triggered it is a vast and bottomless hell pit of all the most negative aspects and emotions that the human mind can produce, it sucks you down and buries you under the weight of every single wound that you have ever suffered, like a human fruit machine, lighting up and hitting every jackpot of trauma, paying out an ever increasing weight of, loss, heartbreak and despair, loneliness, rage and fear. It destroys all the positivity, meaning and self worth and then when there is nothing left inside to feel at all, its presence still leaves a heavy, ugly worthless and guilt riddled shadow just to keep you pulverised, let alone broken. 

The only thing that pulls me out, every time, is simply every kind word anyone has ever said to me and quite a few, wonderful, deep, astute and profound quotations from an awry of inspirational people, past and present. It is only the power of the mind and the power of good that people can do along the way that can help because there are no mental ledges, lifeboats, ropes, floats, steps or anything in a void like that which can pull you out or even stop you falling further, just words, but words have power, much much power and for me the ones that pulled me out more times than any were the ones spoken to me at 17 yrs by a wonderful senior psychologist, Sue Kerfoot, and she said, and I quote, there is no such thing as a ‘bad baby’! That one saved me many times and all the kind things that have ever been said to me I am truly thankful for and the strength and courage that it took to cope I could never truly express just how crucial they have been, again there really are not enough words in any language for that one apart from the love reached no bounds and I am only here because of them all, however small, however casual, and sometimes, yes, however drunk or high, kind words always have a huge and lasting impact.

The adoption fog

 I like the term coming out of the fog as for me it serves as a great visual and tangible analogy that helped me to break free from the enforced and naive narrative that adoption apparently fixes all and the unrealistic expectations that were impossible to live up to for all involved. This put me in the position of being seen as privileged and having to feel grateful, because I was chosen, lucky and special, so the obligation and responsibility of having to appear happy otherwise the adoption wouldn’t be successful and it would be all my fault, was a huge burden that weighed heavily and with a massive guilt trip just for good measure. I also lived with such an insurmountable fear of rejection that I always and often ended up getting rejected anyway, and still do sometimes.

Birth mother and beautiful enigma 

My birth mother was only 15 when she fell pregnant and of course with no contraceptives available back in those days it was a classic love baby scenario where the kids had a kid and she was only just 16 years by a few days at the time of my birth. The world was a different place of course in the 1960’s it was openly misogynistic, racist, homophobic and where children were supposed to be seen and not heard and expected only to talk when spoken too, practically dickensian by today's standards, and my birth parents had broken the law by having sex under the legal age of consent, it's no wonder they ended up in so much trouble and strife. I was not named at birth as it was thought that it would be nice for my adoptive parents to choose a name rather than have it changed. Although well intended, I always had secret mixed feelings about this and couldn't help but wonder what name I would have been given.

My birth mother was too far gone in the pregnancy when abortion was legalised that very year so it was decided that if I was a boy I would be kept and raised by my maternal grandmother but I popped out female so adoption was the only other option. My adoption was however contested by my birth fathers family at the time as they wanted me to be raised by my paternal grandmother but they were deemed unfit for reasons that they would not have been today and lost.

Secret Sherlock and a little magic

It took two attempts by two different social services in neighbouring counties to get my birth records, even though I already knew some information after galavanting to the London records offices as soon as I was 18 years, like a private detective going undercover and thankfully not needing to be a genius either with no DNA in those days and no help (although it's still far from easy these days and for many reasons). I did beforehand, ask my adoptive family if they wanted to be involved  as I felt it was disrespectful to search for my birth parents in secret but they didn't agree and thought I was being selfish and could hurt a lot of people unnecessarily, and although it was unsupportive, they genuinely thought it was the wrong thing to do but of course the not knowing was unbearable and my whole identity was affected and fragmented, I felt lost and void of the most essential aspects of self, to say the very least. I never spoke to my adoptive family about it again and they never asked.

I used the social services mediation services and although my birth mother was not able to have any contact (for understandable reasons) I did write to my maternal grandmother for many years, just over two wonderful decades, a distant connection that was never meant to be, so special and as she said, writing harms no one and we have a right to a relationship as I was her grandchild. It was in secret as that's just the way things were and it was safer for everyone emotionally for a multitude of reasons. We even met on a few occasions after many years, with my secret great uncle 006 (not 007 but a secret agent of love), whom I had an annual and lengthy new year chats with on the phone for many years and in many different phone boxes until I finally got a landline, a most wonderful way to start any year. I also met one of my aunts and I even got to meet my birth mother on one occasion after asking to meet me, which was the only way and where the impossible became possible, even if for just one beautiful day. Quite incredible and yes all in secret for the main part but because of love, protection, fear and so many complex circumstances but worth every moment.

Reunion city blues

Yes this is a tribute to the wonderful adoptee, Debra Harry (Blondie)

I was also lucky to have a reunion with my birth further getting in contact when I was 40 years old. I wrote 2 identical letters to two different house numbers in the same street as I couldn't make out the number clearly on the birth records. I wrote the letters and posted them on my birthday as it was the only day of the year that I didn't feel guilty or ashamed about thinking of my birth family and I knew if I left it until the next day I probably would not have posted them.  

My Birth father had emigrated abroad about a year after my birth but I did get to meet everyone in the family over the course of a couple of years and all though we didn't remain in contact, I think that we are all better off for having met and the pain of living with not knowing for all who knew, was at last, finally over and again in secret for the most part with me but nothing short of a miracle in reality.

My most significant and fondest memory of my birth father was sitting on Southsea beach and asking him as to why massive and very heavy metal ships don't sink?  I just never understood it! Being a yachtsman, he explained the buoyancy principle perfectly, basically if the air underneath is always bigger than whatever is on the top, anything should float! Not only a wonderful father daughter moment and gift of knowledge but that experience lifted me up and left a soft fluffy cloud of love and happiness in my heart forever.

So I guess I didn't do too bad at all for a closed adoption, it was so important for so many and I am happy and better off for having the contact, lasting or otherwise and just in the nick of time for my paternal grandmother as she had cancer and thankfully, didn’t die never knowing what happened to her first grandchild as it was the only thing that she couldn't find closure or peace with. I went to her funeral and they even put my photo in her coffin with all the other family members, a magical and special goodbye, because it was never meant to have been possible to have ever met in the first place, we were exceptionally lucky. 

Finding peace with Nemo

And finally after a lifetime of searching for sense, reason and purpose to all the pain and injustices that my adoption and relinquishment created for everyone involved at some degree or point, unwittingly or otherwise, is that, every living thing on planet Earth is here for a reason and that reason is that they are supposed to be here, otherwise they wouldn’t exist in the first place. I have to learn to incorporate and wholly accept this simple but solid logical truth, we all deserve to belong and find home in any place and anything and with anyone that's suitable and to feel truly safe, it's just human nature.

Even my ego knows, logic dictates that we can’t change the laws of the universe and everything within it! So I just want to feel part of it moving forward and embrace the rest of my life as the best of my life while continuing to shed as many narcissistic shackles, remnants of utter emotional hell and free myself from the mental cages, prisons and a few mighty dungeons, gaining as much inner peace as possible, as this is freedom, real freedom, so bon voyage and may you all find a mighty beautiful and super sturdy mental ship to sail on through the choppy turbulent waters and vast, powerful oceans of life and I hope you find a few desert islands and a slice of paradise or two along the way because we all, truly deserve it and life is the greatest adventure that the cosmos ever created, even for the aliens.

Much love xx

Read Helen’s previous blog Flying Above The Adoption Fog

Photo by Donald Giannatti on Unsplash

‘Incredible community vibe and feelings of belonging’

Feedback from our 2nd virtual retreat for adoptees.

"Gilli and Claire were AMAZING presenters. I related to almost everything discussed and it felt so validating. "

“As a first-time attendee to a HTBA event, it was so good to be amongst so many kindred spirits! There is strength in numbers and being an adoptee can be a lonely road. I found the format overall worked well for me. The grounding session was a great way to centre my focus on the afternoon's event."

"It was so useful and interesting to connect with other adoptees at an event run my adoptees. The community feeling was incredible. I have never felt like I belonged anywhere as much as I did during the time here. I think this could be my new “family” after many years spent lost. I look forward to seeing and being part of growing this community. "

"First time of attending anything like this. It was amazing to be part of this fantastic retreat. Thank you."

“It’s impossible to choose my favourite session! Grounding session, research/3 impacts with Gilli and 3 impacts with Claire were all wonderful."

"The meditation was great to end on, the research was so interesting. I loved the breakout rooms, never spoken to another adopted person before knowingly. "

And some tips for us to take on board for next time:

“I think sometimes until people have experienced it, they don't realise how significant and poignant the break out rooms and shared experience is. People seem to get SO much from these. I'd like them to be longer, it always feels short and people sometimes need time to settle into the groups before they start feeling confident enough to speak or share. "

“It's always so nice to spend time with other adopted adults, but after doing a few get-togethers there's a certain amount of repetition to introduce/remind of issues not everyone might be familiar with (which can't be helped, and is ofc necessary for those newer to the topics/into their journeys) ."

"Make the break out rooms sessions a fair bit longer. People seem to really enjoy the chance to hear other's experiences, connect and share. Some people have never done this before and find it quite profound. Always there seems to be a depth of shared experience and it's so validating and helpful. For example, hearing and knowing you're not the only one that has always felt like a total alien in the world. I've heard and seen this a few times now and it helps me so deeply every time. "

"Personally, I was quite overwhelmed as I have only just started to look at the impacts of adoption and found the experience surreal specifically the similarities of how we all respond to and handle our adoptions.. I think I've a few surprises to come to terms with.."

How likely would you be to attend a future event?

9.2 out of 10

Did you feel an impact on your sense of well-being?

8.6 out of 10

Photo: https://unsplash.com/@voneciacarswell

NO HO HO MERRY CHRISTMAS!! - guest blog from adoptee Angela

Does the thought of Christmas send your emotions into your stomach where it lurches and churns?

Today is December 01st, and despite the fact that my bestest friends know I do not ‘like’ Christmas they still insist ‘oh you must come to us – maybe just Boxing Day’. The thought is so incredibly kind but unintentionally it makes me feel downright miserable and a touch guilty that I don’t just buckle up and fake it till I make it.

I thought at the grand age of 56 and three quarters that I would try to explain how I feel and why.

As an adoptee this incredibly invasive time of year with ‘happy families’ being pushed at you left, right and centre is difficult. I even asked the lady at the petrol station to turn off her Christmas music – yes I know – bah humbug!

Friends and family do try and be supportive and understanding, but they are not quite sure of what or why. There  is always an invitation there hanging in the air in the event that you make a ‘miraculous’ recovery from the morose and melancholy which December is guaranteed to bring.

In essence, I said, Christmas Day is the acknowledgment of a loss for me, a deep seated and familiar grief that I am not right. I am not right because I have always been with the wrong people. Loving people but wrong people. My body knows it as the melancholy seeps in and I feel a deep desire to wallow and enter that place where my loss is felt the most. I tend to it and acknowledge it and – finally – I know that it is okay to visit this place where all the sorrow lives to honour my loss fully and completely.

By New Year the damage which Christmas has done starts to dissipate somewhat– like a breath being let go. New Year means new possibilities. Some room for optimism again and looking forward rather watching myself drag around the sorrow of the past. The optimism is a different part of me which has been dormant during the festive season, but it is a breath of fresh air to help re-charge and balance the up and down nature of the deep seated and primal emotions I lug around.

After this explanation my friends were so very kind and understanding. I don’t know, but I think they feel like they can help me feel better but not ‘missing out’. But missing it is the point.

So in our house December 25th will consist of a nice long doggie walk, and then lots of marmite toast and tea in front of a plethora of 007 films – with not a Christmas advert in site – hoorah!!

Enjoy your season of wallowing.

Angela R.

Image: Tim Gouw via Unsplah @punttim 

Are you coming to the online retreat 20th Jan 2024?

HTBA Retreat January 2024

The Impacts of Being Adopted – acknowledging and alleviating the effects

Have you ever wondered how being adopted affects you physically, emotionally and relationally? Do you want to hear what's worked for the How To Be Adopted team in terms of understanding and working to alleviate some of the less-than-helpful effects?

This event will include short yoga, breathwork and meditation sessions, talks from both Gilli Bruce (counsellor) and Claire M (founder of How To Be Adopted), and break-out sessions where you can connect with other adopted people.

Please join us for what promises to be a lovely afternoon.

Book now on Eventbrite

More info from Gilli....

Many adoptees have an ever-shifting and evolving understanding of how being relinquished and subsequently adopted affected them. I thought myself to be completely untouched by adoption in my teens and twenties – I never talked about it, never thought about it much (apart from birthdays and crisis points) and never knew myself to be impacted upon very much.

Through my twenties and thirties, I was busy doing life and in my early forties – much of the same, so it wasn’t until age 46 when I saw a documentary about birth mother’s pain and anguish, that I started to let ‘adoption stuff’ in. In my late forties, I went through the whole reunion thing and thought that would resolve everything – and when it didn’t - I hid from all the big emotions. It wasn’t until the age of 53 that I decided to enter into therapy and ‘deal with my adoption’ and uncovered all the impacts that I’d shied away from looking at before. I uncovered a lot. I learned about impacts on my behaviour, on my relationships and on my relationship with myself.

During this retreat, I’d like to share some models that I learned about on my counselling training, on workshops and through my own shadow work that might help adoptees to bring some impacts into awareness – so that they can be acknowledged and moved through - Gilli Bruce

Book now on Eventbrite

Photo by: https://unsplash.com/@hannahbusing

When you find your tribe - an ode to adoptee friends and meet-ups

I’m not sure I will ever be able to thank Claire and HTBA for introducing me to THE most incredible adoptees who have become a part of my chosen family.

Bob, Niki, Lisa, Katherine, Sarah & I were introduced over the monthly HTBA patreon calls at the end of 2022. 

I’ve never really known anyone who is adopted (apart from my adoptee brother who never wants to talk about it). Wow, it’s amazing to have a shorthand with people who just get how your head works.  There’s no need to explain some of the disordered thinking, they feel it and think the same.    

Whilst we still meet monthly on our calls, we’ve also now got a super active WhatsApp chat, where we chat about everything from Snoopy through to supporting each other with our reunion journeys.   We also all met up in person in the summer, which was one of the loveliest days of my life.  These women are my tribe and my family, and I know that my journey through being adopted is made better for knowing them!

Em

Adoptee retreat, June 2023, hosted by Gilli Bruce and Lara Leon

Gilli and Lara got back late last night from the Lake District after hosting the very first in-person UK retreat for adopted people. Bravo to Gilli and Lara! In fact, apart from the US retreats by Anne Heffron, this is possibly a worldwide first*!

The feedback is starting to come in:

“People felt an immediate sense of OKness, they valued the opportunity to connect with others who really 'get - it' and enjoyed the mixture of activities, topics and sharing together - oh - and the fun! There was lots of laughter.” - Gilli

“It was the most important weekend of my life. I will cherish it forever.” - Lara

“We left each other feeling as if we were saying "Goodbye" to old friends whom we'd known for years rather than leaving people we'd only just met - the connections were powerful indeed. Sharing with each other and seeing 12 other heads nodding in agreement was validating and special - I loved it! There will be more events like this to come.” - Gilli

Adoptee retreat hosts, Lara Leon and Gilli Bruce - therapists and fellow adoptees

Watch this space for more feedback from the attendees. And another bravo to Gilli and Lara for all their planning, hosting, logistic-ing and holding such a sacred space for fellow adoptees.

"It's such a comforting space to be among others with this in common when a feeling of 'not belonging' is so common normally"

"Thank you for arranging this - giving your time and emotional energy to bring our group together. It's one of the most secure environments I've experienced"

"I knew within 10 minutes of coming, it was going to be OK. Unlike any other group I have spent time with, adopted people seem to know how to be warm and welcoming and put each other at ease. I guess we all know how painful it is to to feel unwanted."

"It has been invaluable."

"To connect and talk to other adoptees I found comforting and soothing."

"Really glad I came. Just being with other adoptees is the only opportunity I have to lose the nagging feeling that there is fundamentally something wrong with me. It is a soothing relief."

"I am so so thankful. Emotional."

"It was organic and fluid and I found the sessions engaging and interesting. I cannot express how life affirming and comforting these days have been."

"Amazing. I have never ever spent time with a group of adult adoptees. Really good balance of social and sessions."

"A relaxed environment to share our stories of adoption, listening to others made me feel less alone in my feelings. Loved Lara and Gilli's talks. A few tears but lots of giggles too."

"The weekend has helped me to reconnect to myself and its a very small but significant shift. A need to continue with my search reignited. Hopeful for healing - it's not too late. I'm not too old. It is worth it - I am worth it. It has given me hope. Thank you so much."

"Connections, hope, new purpose, understanding and comfort."

"I actually cannot write what I feel about how I feel. Grateful, hopeful, engaged, emotional, love. Wow. Thank you. It's a time I will never forget and would like to be involved in future events."

"For the first time in 76 years I've been able to talk freely about being adopted and people getting it! Listening to the stories of other adoptees has given me an insight into my own trauma. Please do more retreats. I felt connected."

"There is a tremendous need for adoptee support. This weekend has been so helpful in helping me on my journey. We all met and connected like a family/tribe. Our stories, though different were understood and not judged. The environment was safe which allowed us to be vulnerable and tell stories we had not shared with anyone."

"Extremely meaningful and valuable. Gilli and Lara are inspirational."

"Hugely beneficial."

"The retreat was going to struggle to live up to the high expectation I  placed on it, but it absolutely smashed it out of the park. Absolutely sublime. Very well done both of you and thank you."

*Ok, since writing this in a fit of excitement, I Googled ‘adoptee retreats’ and there are a few. Mostly in the US, but not soley. If you have an adoptee retreat to recommend, please feel free to share in the comments below. Sharing is caring! Claire x

The In-Between Lines project at Coram

Last week I attended a poetry night at Coram in London. The evening began with performances from several poets exploring the themes of the exhibition - heritage, identity, care experience, colourism, family and home. It ended with an open mic and a drinks reception.

This was the final event in a series which included an exhibition, a conversational panel and a panel with professionals.

When looking at the event information, this quote stood out for me:

“Over the years, I’ve struggled with feelings of anger, rage, and grief, but anxiety has always been my constant companion. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy models anxiety as ‘’intolerance of uncertainty’’. My adoption and racial identity generate precarity: not knowing how people will perceive me, what my biological family looks or sounds like, or whether my darkest days were benign or a terrible repetition of my family’s mental health history. Years of therapy helped, but it couldn’t heal the existential angst that a lack of identity creates. I felt so lost, and eventually I realised that I’d have to find a life narrative that served me.” - Anthony Lynch, age 23, one of the organisers of the In-Between Lines project

Many adoption professionals and adoptive parents have said to me/my peers that modern adoption is intrinsically different from traditional adoption. From this quote, and from attending the event, I can certainly see more similarities than some are willing to admit. In fact, creating a life narrative that serves us was one of the themes covered by Gilli Bruce in the How To Be Adopted virtual retreat in 2022.

I was blown away by the talent shown from the young people who performed their poetry during the evening. I was also very proud of Debbie Nahid from the Adult Adoptee Movement who spoke during the open mic to highlight the challenges faced by adoptees of all ages including lack of access to the adoption support fund and counselling. She echoed all our thoughts in that we wish these events existed when we were younger. Debbie also extended a hand to the younger adoptees, saying “we hold you and we can guide you”.

It was also lovely to meet many adoptees who I have met virtually on social media or chatted to via email. A recent quote from an adoptee says it so well: “ It's just so amazing talking to others whose brains are the same, and we just don't need to explain stuff!  Very humbling and also supportive!” Thank you to those I met for all your support and for attending How To Be Adopted events - so glad you’ve found them useful. One adoptee had spent the day feeding into a training project for social workers on the importance of language in adoption files - fab work and a huge emotional hangover from this work we do. Professionals take note when you ask us to input in this way! Oh, and I even met a lovely lady who discovered EMDR through this site, and is finding it helpful. Yay!

Read more about the event and follow the organisers @Inbetweenlinesexhibition on Instagram. It would great to see this event touring the UK if any adoption organisations would be able to fund this. As the young people themselves say: “The long-term goal is to form an online community of mixed and adopted creatives who can tell their stories through writing, art, photography, film, and more.”

Image taken from Coram.org

Held - a guest blog by adoptee Helen

I have always been curious about whether my earliest experience of being separated from my mother at birth and subsequently adopted might bear any relation to the insecurity and self-doubt I often experience in life and particularly in my work as a counsellor. In 2018 as part of an MSc Counselling and Psychotherapy I undertook a piece of research to try and explore this further. I used a methodology called “heuristic research” which essentially involves feeling into your own experience to get insight and implicit knowledge.  It was a very emotionally challenging and probably inadvisable process. This is an extract from some of my reflections at the time:

A cold morning in March and I’m trying to keep warm in bed. I don’t want to face the day. I’m thinking about an art exhibition I went to recently where I was drawn to an exhibit of some little white porcelain vases. There were several, beautiful fragile delicate ornate, like eggshell, easily fractured, broken. You were allowed to touch them. I held one in my hands and tiny bits of porcelain broke off like lace. “It’s okay…” the artist said “that’s meant to happen”. I loved these beautiful fragmenting vessels so light and delicate, at the same time containers, small, strong and rounded. This tiny vessel cupped in my hands, felt almost as if I was holding my self.

Thinking this soothes my miserable soul and a vaguely remembered poem drifts into my mind. It’s by my friend and poet Elizabeth Burns and it’s called “Held”. I haul myself out of bed to see if I can find her book and when I take it down from the shelf I see, ah yes I remember now, there’s a picture on the front cover of a beautiful round porcelain vase.  “Held” is the name of the title poem and it begins with a small child.

 “One year old and he’s discovering the river,

dropping stones in at the edge, retrieving them

He loves containers says his mother,

Then wonders, is a river a container?

The riverbed is: it curves its way….

down through these woods of wild garlic and bluebells,

letting the winding stony vessel of itself be filled

with springwater, meltwater, rainwater,  

[   ………   ]

and if the river’s a container, so’s a song,

holding words and tune; an eggshell

holds a bird, the atmosphere

enfolds the planet; everything is like a basket

says the basket maker, the earth contains us

we contain bones, blood air, our hearts

we are baskets and makers of baskets

and fresh from the hold of the womb

the boy child’s discovering how things

are held by other things: milk in a cup

food in a bowl, a ball in his hands

a stone in water, water in a nest of stones.”

Elizabeth Burns (2010)

The images in the poem are beautiful and simple. And they express a sense of what feels to be an emerging theme in my research. A theme around holding and containment. My research is essentially exploring what it means to be held and what happens to us when we are not held and the container of the mother is absent.

Could my being a fragile person who easily falls apart be a consequence of not being held? Not being held when I was born, at least not by my mother. By an incubator I guess (tiny, premature) or perhaps in the arms of strangers? Fresh from the hold of the womb, placed in the wrong container, or barely contained at all. Can something that happened so long ago still be felt all these years later?

Elizabeth’s poem is set in a valley called Roburndale, close to where I live, and where the river bends sharply as it meets a large rock face, it forms deep pools for swimming, the Fairie Pools. This is a place I know well and have taken myself to (dragged myself) in times of difficulty and despair knowing that immersing myself, swimming in these river waters brings life, invigorates. It does. It brings me into the world. It connects me and I become part of the world and I feel to come alive.

I am wondering then: is the river is holding me? The water, the riverbed? Or perhaps the earth, and the woods of wild garlic and bluebells. Some spiritual traditions consider the earth to be a mother, who holds and nourishes us. The poet Ted Hughes saw rivers as primal conduits to the core of our inner nature. Swimming in the river at Roburndale feels primal somehow. Perhaps I am experiencing a return to the waters of the womb and an emergence into life. Is that too fanciful? Would jumping into a cold bath have the same invigourating effect? Possibly yes. But at the same time there is no doubt that the river flowing through this lush hidden valley soothes me, almost as a mother to an infant. It calms me and I feel reconnected somehow. I feel as though my estranged psyche comes to dwell more fully in my body. I feel soothed and held.

I have always liked the work of the paediatrician and psychoanalyst Winnicott who developed a concept which he called “indwelling”. A capacity to dwell/exist/be present in your body. Winnicott carefully studied mothers and babies and came to the conclusion that “It is the provision of a safe holding environment that allows the infant to indwell”, traditionally the “safe holding environment” being the mother. Winnicott considers this capacity to indwell to be the bedrock of emotional health (Winnicott 1956).

This would suggest then that babies who don’t experience a safe holding environment would struggle to indwell. Perhaps in that case there can only be a sense of exile from the self, a feeling of not being at home, an existence that is outside of oneself. And a sense of forever trying to find a way back.

 Ref   Burns.E.(2010) Held. Edinburgh: Polygon

Photo by kazuend on Unsplash

Adoptee advocate burnout - Claire's story

I posted a blog last year about my experience of burnout and my need to take a step back. After this, the wonderful Gilli Bruce, from the team, contacted the Guardian to nominate me for a Guardian Angel award. I had no idea! When the Guardian called me to ask if they could interview me and send a photographer out, I was torn. On the one hand, I was absolutely exhausted and I knew I needed some time out. On the other hand, this was a great opportunity to get an adoptee’s viewpoint in a national newspaper. It would go some small way to redressing the awful imbalance where most stories about adoption in the media are from the adoptive parent’s point of view - the BBC being one of the main culprits. They even did a podcast episode on the language we use about care leavers and only interviewed an adoptive parent, no care leavers.

So, it was with some trepidation that I said yes to the Guardian article. In short, I put my physical and emotional health after the desire I have (and have always had since 2017) to help just one adoptee out there feel less alone. In that sense, the article was a big success. I was contacted by dozens of people saying thank you - even ex-classmates and colleagues I didn’t even know were adopted!

There followed an influx of new followers on social media and new subscribers to the email newsletters - hello to you all and welcome! But this meant even more beavering away behind the scenes from me! The extra exposure that this put me under also sadly led to some negativity and trolling from other adoptees. This was very hard to take as I didn’t have copy approval for the Guardian piece, which means I was potentially putting my relationship with my parents and siblings under threat as I had no idea what the Guardian would publish. It was a huge risk for me, on top of all the hard work I’ve put into HTBA over the last 5 years. It was very upsetting to get this backlash from other adoptees.

All of this led to an extreme situation in November of last year where by I was very stressed out and disregulated and starting to experience some physical symptoms - which I am now seeing a team of medical practitioners for. In fact, if anyone came to my talk at PAC UK for National Adoption Week you could probably tell I was struggling then. My talk was all about the nervous system and how, as adoptees, ours can need lots of additional care and tending. That is the lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way. You can have years of talking therapy but the body holds the score!

At this time, I made the heartbreaking decision to step back from the North London in-person adoptee groups that I set up completely from scratch and ran for 14 months. I am beyond grateful that two of the members stepped forward to run the logistics of the meetings, and Adopt North London agreed to continue their support. Sadly, I also decided to close my Patreon membership and stop running the monthly zooms for members. I am very grateful that two of the members stepped forward to run the Zooms and ensure they didn’t have to stop.

During this difficult time, Gilli Bruce and Lara Leon were an amazing support - thank you so much to you both, you’re angels!

As you can imagine, all this helped enormously to reduce my feelings of guilt that I wasn’t doing enough! Being enough! Changing enough! It helped me remember that there are lots of us and we can all do our bit, it doesn’t all fall to me. (Logically I know this!) The Adult Adoptee Movement have made my heart sing as it means the activism and influencing side of things is covered and I can focus on what I do best, blogging. I’m also great at sharing what’s going on in adopteeland, from new books to exhibitions, new groups and events. So please keep sharing these with me. I really miss Instagram for this because it was such a gorgeous community where we all shared and picked each other up. (Unlike Twitter!!)

You can comment with any adoptee news and events below, and/or email hello@howtobeadopted.com and I’ll share them in my email newsletters. Guest blogs are EVEN more welcome at this time as it helps take the pressure off me, so again please get in touch if you want to share a guest blog you’ve written.

Yummy things that have been helping while I’m recovering from burnout:

• Watching some relaxing TV like Emily In Paris - usually I would be busybusybusy and not allow myself ‘trash TV’!

• Reading beautiful books like The Marriage Portrait and Demon Copperhead

• Receiving some beautiful flowers and a fab book in the post from two of you lovely lot, thank you :)

• Cuddles with my hubby, my kids and my baby niece and nephew

• Boardgames with the family - we are currently loving Quirkle and Sushi Go!

Little by little I can feel myself starting to slow down, very gradually, and step out of flight/flight. Bear with me. I hope this helps someone somewhere take some time to tend to their nervous system too.

Photo by Kinga Howard on Unsplash

PS Bristol people! A new group has started led by a lovely lady called Becky. You can email me hello@howtobeadopted.com if you want to be put in touch with Becky.

PPS Another thing we’ve decided to do during this slightly fallow period is to make the videos from the virtual retreat free and available to all on YouTube: see the HTBA videos - huge thanks to the wonderful Gilli Bruce, Lara Leon and Anne Heffron for their enthusiastic agreement to share their talks :)

The dread of telling a therapist you're adopted in case they pull the plug

I’ve just found an EMDR therapist who sounds amazing. We had a brilliant initial chat over the phone, and we talked about felt safety, emotional regulation, fight/flight/freeze/fawn, triggers, early childhood experiences and much more. I am excited to hopefully work with her.

EMDR is one of the therapies I haven’t tried yet, after many years of talking therapy, some cranial sacral therapy and a fairly frustrating experience with CBT.  

However.

I haven’t mentioned that I’m adopted.

And I’m betting that the therapist isn’t Ofsted registered.

Which means I can’t mention that I’m adopted, or she will have to cease treating me immediately. If she doesn’t cease, she will be breaking current law in England and Wales. However, if I don’t tell her I’m adopted, am I breaking the law??

This could be interesting. How many sessions can I get through without mentioning I’m adopted! There are certainly early experiences I would love to tackle that can be talked about without the pre-knowledge, but I’m guessing it wouldn’t be nearly as useful as if the therapist had all that detail.

What a frustrating dilemma I find myself in. And I know hundreds of you have had similar experiences.

This is why we need to challenge the Ofsted law. It’s clearly a mistake that nobody considered properly when the responsibility of adoption moved from the Department of Health to the Department of Education.

If you haven’t yet filled in the government consultation, please do so. It takes around 15 minutes, maybe a bit longer if you have any additional educational needs – as there is a bit of reading to do to understand the way the questions are worded.

 Respond to the consultation now: deadline 20 March

And importantly, please forward the consultation to any current or past therapists and counsellors. I’m sending it on to the counsellors who have turned me down in the past and said they wish they didn’t have to. Well, now is your chance to change the law and get your wish! We need as many practitioners as possible to fill it in.

And, for the record, I think therapists should still have specialist training in adoption (from an adoptee perspective, not an adoptive parent perspective as seems to be much more common), but I do not think Ofsted need to gatekeep this. We are adults and we are very capable of enquiring if a therapist has taken any specialist training. Whether the current Barnardo’s training that Osted require is adequate is another story. Let’s get this law changed first and then we can look to improve training for therapists if required.

More info on the proposed changes can be found here

Photo by Isabela Drasovean on Unsplash 

Introducing Adult Adoptee Movement

Thanks to Claire and How To Be Adopted for inviting us to introduce ourselves here. We are baby scoop era adoptees living in the UK, who came together in May 2022 during the Joint Committee on Human Rights (JCHR) parliamentary inquiry into historic forced adoptions. We aim to raise adoptee voices and campaign on issues that affect adult adoptees, in order to change the narrative and to improve things not only for us but for younger adoptees too. We believe that at our stage in life we have a perspective on adoption that we did not have when we were younger and that our lived experience and insights can inform policy makers and service providers. Adult adoptees are rarely part of the conversation and we want to change that.

Our first task was to write a response to the JCHR report, which we published in October 2022. We are still (as of February 2023) waiting for the government’s response to the Committee report, which was due in September 2022. We have had an email reply from the Department for Education but it echoes the evidence given to the Committee by then-Secretary of State Nadhim Zahawi, and it does not sound like the government will take responsibility for the state’s role in forced adoptions and issue an apology. We are asking for a lot more than an apology and you can read our full response on our website.

One of our recommendations was to remove the requirement for those providing counselling and therapy to adult adoptees to be registered with Ofsted. The government is now consulting on this change in England and you can respond to the consultation up to 20 March 2023. We will be responding as a group and we will make our response public. We support the proposal but have concerns about what unregulated services will look like, and about how we will actually get the help we need.

If you would like to learn more you can visit our website where you will find profiles of our founding members, links to our response to the report, some resources and a series of blogs we have written. You can also follow us on Twitter or sign up to our newsletter. If you are an adoptee and would like to join our Facebook support group you can find it here.

We love the work that HTBA does and will continue to advocate for adoptee-led services and organisations to be at the centre of any support for adoptees.

Adult Adoptee Movement, 
February 2023

Valid - a guest blog by adoptee Helen Mary

Only slowly their hurt dies cry by cry 

As they fit themselves to what has happened

Ted Hughes (1985)

I met my mother for the very first time in the Autumn of 1994 when I was 29 years old. In Debenhams café in Hull. No third party, no preparation, no help, no mediation, it didn’t seem necessary at the time. Just a bright and sunny morning full of hope and promise. 

I realise now looking back the enormity ofsuch a meeting, and wonder whether the support of an insightful and wise professional would have been helpful. I can see my tendency to minimise or deny things. Thinking I can do this on my own. 

My birth mother was late for our meeting, about twenty minutes late, I’d started to think she wasn’t coming. That’s how much I’m worth, not really much. There weren’t even mobile phones then, I just sat and waited, and wondered if my mother may actually have decided not to bother coming. Passive acceptance on the one hand, a flicker of anger on the other (how dare she let me down - these angry feelings are fleeting, and possibly healthier than my usual passivity). 

An age passed and eventually my mother turned up. She had one of my sisters with her (I’d learnt that I have two biological sisters).  She hadn’t mentioned she was going to bring my sister and I wasn’t prepared for this. Why didn’t she come alone, just herself? Surely. Now I felt a bit like a curiosity they’d come to see, the two of them in their alliance. I didn’t think it was respectful to come like this. I suddenly felt very alone there in that café. This extraordinary event amid the clattering of crockery, the coffee machine, the shoppers and ordinary life. 

On one level, on the surface there was something sort of nice. Meeting someone who I could see was a bit like me (scatter brained- she’d forgotten where she had parked her car. My adoptive parents were very organised, competent, things were planned, there were routines). I don’t recall us hugging or embracing. Not genuinely, possibly not at all. There was no emotion really. We got along but it was as if we were just chatting, like we were shoppers meeting for a cup of tea. I was polite and accommodating. So much was denied. I suppose it just didn’t feel real. I couldn’t really imagine what real would feel like.

“The adoption system traditionally requires that children disavow reality.” Lifton (1994)

Looking back, I suppose I’d imagined something life changing and healing would happen that day. That my motherwould embrace me with love and I would suddenly feel profoundly alive in a way I had not previously known. Alas that didn’t happen, those hopes and dreams already ebbing away in those endlessly long minutes of waiting..

Also, looking back, I think this story illustrates that its probably not a good idea to undertake such a journey on your own

And finally I should add that there is eventually a happier ending, but that is another story….

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Thoughts on the PAC-UK adoptee day in London for NAW 2022

Last year PAC-UK put on a day of adoptee voices for National Adoption Week online – and Gilli and I were speakers on the day and participated in the Q&A.

This year, PAC-UK put on both an online day and an in-person day. HTBA’s Lara Leon spoke at the online day about her research into the wellbeing of adopted people. Many people got in touch to say how much Lara’s talk resonated.

The in-person day was a welcome addition to the NAW calendar which tends to be 80% adoptive parents talking about “their” adoption journey in the newspapers and on the radio (the BBC in particular seem to be allergic to hearing from adopted people – even recently producing a podcast about the language used about care leavers, and only interviewing an adoptive parent).

PAC asked me to speak at the London event about coming out of the fog. Once I sat down the prepare my talk, I realised there is far too much to condense into a 20-min talk, and that I would not be able to speak to every experience in the room. So, I decided to speak from my own experience of coming out of the fog after I became a mother and how things are still very much a work-in-progress for me. If it would be helpful, I could record the talk and make it available for those who weren’t available to attend?                                                                                        

The main focus of the day was making connections with other adopted people and sharing our experiences. There were three workshops running, of which people could choose two to attend:

·      Identity

·      Reunion

·      Art therapy

I helped out with the identity workshops and today I have been thinking about the emotions and experiences shared. Firstly, it’s always interesting to note how varied people’s experiences are – from being born in a mother and baby home in the 1960s to being born in another country entirely. And, for the first time for me, there were much younger adoptees present who have a number of difficult experiences from their early years prior to being adopted. However, as always when adopted people get together, the similarities also shine though. A common refrain heard throughout the day was, “Oh my god, I thought it was just me who felt like that!” and “I’m so glad you shared that, so I’m not a freak after all!”. Even some of the younger adoptees said they managed to score a “full house” in the adoptee bingo list of ‘symptoms’ that I shared, including anxiety, rejection sensitivity, rage, people pleasing and many more. Incredibly sobering to think how we are all carrying these challenges with us as we go about our lives.

One strong theme that shone out was the number of people who had a racial, cultural or religious identity that was erased by social services and their adoptive parents. They have subsequently struggled to reconnect with this part of their identity in adulthood / post getting their adoption files or doing a DNA test. Some of the younger adoptees added that due to their early experiences of abuse and neglect meant that they had chosen to reject aspects of their identity including where they were born and names they were given.

At the end of the day, PAC-UK asked us to write down thoughts and suggested actions for adoptive parents, social workers and policy makers to take forward. It will be interesting to find out how many of these suggestions from people who have lived through the process are taken on board and changes made.

The feeling I am left with is one of absolute awe that we as adoptees keep getting back up, keep doing such courageous things every single day that no one else may ever understand. And all this while holding down a job or study, looking after a family, renewing the car insurance and checking in on an elderly neighbour, because – after all – there is no ‘coming out of the fog’ leave from work, and no ‘embarking on adoption reunion’ leave from college. We soldier on with no government support and no societal recognition. It can be a lonely place when we try to share what we are going through with family and friends who have swallowed the Long Lost Family propaganda. That’s why connecting with one another is so important.

With that in mind, PAC-UK have launched a closed Facebook group for adopted people, so get in touch with PAC-UK to join.

Keep an eye on our Eventbrite page for upcoming events - including a retreat in the Lake District 2023. We’ve also just launched a monthly Zoom for Patreon members, and our North London in-person group goes into its second year soon.

If you’re interested in starting or joining a HTBA group in your area, please reach out.

If you were at any of the events this week, drop a hello in the comments as I didn’t manage to get everyone’s details.

Lots of love, take good care as you process all the emotions of NAW.

Big love. Claire x

PS. I had a poem prepared to read, but the nerves got the better of me and a totally forgot. It’s dedicated to anyone who’s struggled with people pleasing and co-dependency.

Mary Oliver, The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice -

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voice behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do -

determined to save

the only life that you could save.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Adoptee-only virtual retreat for National Adoption Week 2022: what to expect

We can’t wait to see you at our adoptees-only event on 15th October! Claire had the idea for this event when she recalled how dysregulated adopted people can get during National Adoption Week. This yummy event should ground us and set us up nicely before the week, which can be problematic for some.

Originally Claire had the idea of doing the event in person in London, but logistically it wasn’t possible for 2022. The event is kindly sponsored by PAC-UK who have also provided some subsidised places. These have not yet been snapped up, so please email hello@howtobeadopted.com to get your code to book, no questions about your finances will be asked.

Book now

So let’s see what’s in store for you lucky adoptees:

Gentle grounding yoga session with Claire

Claire qualified in Kundalini Global Yoga this year and is excited to bring the benefits to adoptees - it’s a new form of Kundalini which is more accessible and inclusive and it’s been shown to help the nervous system.

Adoptee guilt with Lara Leon, adoptee and therapist

Many adoptees suffer in silence, not understanding why they feel so confused, sad,  or lonely. Until recently, the plight of adoptees wasn’t well understood, and so open communication about these feelings wasn’t (still isn’t) something that is openly encouraged in families and peer groups.

As if this weren’t enough to contend with, the inability to bond or form strong loving attachments to adoptive family members may result in further feelings that the adoptee may have to cope with alone. Many adoptees experience a sense of guilt as they try to navigate and understand their feelings (or lack thereof) towards their caregivers and siblings. They often end up overcompensating, acting out or distancing themselves, causing further hurt to all involved.

This talk will highlight some of the key points about adoptee guilt, and how to go about tackling it.

‘Life Story’ with Gilli Bruce, adoptee and counsellor

We know from the world of psychology, that everyone forms a sub-conscious story by the time they reach the age of 7. This ‘story’ is about ourselves - and may include aspects of our worth, how we must behave and where we belong in the scheme of things. Most of us are unaware that we have this story hidden within our sub-conscious, but it’s there – operating behind the scenes and having a significant impact on our lives.

Naturally, adoptees have a story too and being adopted can lead to particular kinds of story that our young selves concocted to make sense of this confusing childhood experience. We will explore the concept of Life Story, the impacts it has on our lives and how we might want to change our story into an adult’s version that will serve us better.

You might want to have pen and paper to hand for this section of the day.

Breakout sessions: connect with other adopted people

After lunch, it’s your time to gather in breakout rooms (supported by the HTBA team) to share thoughts on the day so far and connect with other adopted people. We know so many of you contact us asking to be put in touch with other adoptees so here’s your chance. This is the only section of the day that will NOT be recorded.

Anne Heffron joins us from the States

The author of You Don’t Look Adopted is joining us for a. motivational speech on the power of writing your story even if no one else reads it. If you’ve never heard Anne speak before, get ready for a treat!

Postcard to myself

Lovely exercise to end the day.

The day runs 10am-3.30pm GMT with plenty of breaks

All sessions will be recorded with the exception of the breakout rooms

Cost: £29 Book now

Member price: £19 (find out about becoming a member)

Subsidised places are available, please get in touch on hello@howtobeadopted.com if you’re financially challenged - no questions asked.

Any questions about the day, email hello@howtobeadopted.com

Closed adoption in Aotearoa New Zealand - new book 'Adopted' by Jo Willis and Brigitta Baker

THE EXPERIENCE OF CLOSED ADOPTION IN AOTEAROA

To not know your family story is a huge loss of your sense of self. It has the potential to undermine your wellbeing and your relationships across a lifetime.

Adopted is the powerful and honest account of two of the thousands of children adopted during the era of closed adoption in Aotearoa New Zealand, between 1955 and the early 1980s.

Jo Willis and Brigitta Baker both sought and found their respective birth parents at different stages of their lives and have become advocates for other adopted New Zealanders. They share the complexity of that journey, the emotional challenges they faced, and the ongoing impacts of their adoptions with candour and courage.

Closed adoption also exacts a physical and emotional toll on birth parents, partners and children. Their stories are also told in this compelling book.

Adopted is the new memoir by Jo Willis & Brigitta Baker, published 11 August 2022 by Massey University Press. You can pre-order the book here – it will be shipped to you upon publication.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

Brigs (Brigitta) Baker has been in reunion with her birth family since 2008. Her professional experience ranges from leadership and advisory roles in the private and public sectors, to senior level consulting positions within human resources, leadership development and organisational development. She is a qualified coach and experienced workshop facilitator — skills she now uses in mentoring and supporting adopted people.

Jo Willis longed to know the truth about her birth family when she was growing up and was reunited with them with the help of Jigsaw. The journal she kept from the age of 16 helped her process her experience and navigate the impact of adoption. The journal was the beginning of a collaborative work that became Adopted. She is a passionate supporter of adopted people and advocate for legislative change.

Photo of Jo Willis taken by Florence Chavin

THE TEN QUESTION Q&A WITH WILLIS AND BAKER

Q1: What prompted you to share your story?

JW: This is the book I wished that I could have read secretly under my duvet when I was only just surviving. I needed someone who had been there, understood and could lead me through this and out the other side. It was time to speak up and begin to deconstruct the dominant narrative that adoption is a positive experience with no impact on any of the parties involved. Adoption is no one’s first choice. It is a westernised solution that has loss at its core. By debunking the myths, those directly impacted by this experience can regain their sense of worth and dignity and access help to heal and redress barriers limiting their wellbeing.

BB: For me, I had kept a journal of the search for my birth mother, so there was a point when I was reading back on what I’d written and thought, ‘This might be useful for other people.’ It was around that time I was introduced to Jo and found she’d been working on a book for several years, so it seemed natural to collaborate. I think for both of us it is summarised in the description we use of this book as being ‘a hand to hold through the adoption journey.’

Q2: How did you meet each other?

JW: I had been writing a version of the book — a mish- mash of thoughts on my own adoption journey and reflections from adopted people/clients about what they needed. The book had stalled because I was going through a patch of being tired of doing it on my own. I needed to partner with someone who had writing acumen and who was as passionate as I am about helping our peers and educating others about the impact of adoption. I mentioned this to my admin support person in the adoption team and within days she said ‘Can you ring Brigitta Baker? She is an adopted person inquiring about searching . . .

and by the way she wants to write a book.’ I called Brigs immediately!

BB: I was wanting to find out more about my birth father, so I contacted the Adoption Services team in Napier. I was chatting to the women who answered my call and mentioned that I was thinking of writing a book about reunion, and she said, ‘Oh, my boss is writing a book on adoption too — you should talk to her.’ We met for a coffee, and it was honestly the most validating experience I’d ever had as an adopted person. I left feeling for the first time that I wasn’t alone in this.

Q3: What do you hope people will get out of reading the book?

JW: We have spent literally decades unravelling the impact of early separation and growing up under the closed-adoption system through books, articles and therapy to understand the full impact that our adoptive experience has had on us. I hope that Adopted will offer deeper understanding and insight into this experience for all involved. I hope that those affected by adoption will see that the issues challenging them are not them being bad or that something is wrong with them but that it is a totally understandable, even predictable, response to a devastating experience.

BB: An understanding of the unconscious trauma inflicted on adopted people through disconnection from their birth family, the potential impacts of unprocessed grief and loss for all parties in the adoption circle, a sense of how common these experiences are and the toll they can take on relationships. I hope that it also promotes a more open dialogue about this topic in a country that had one of the highest rates of closed adoption in the Western world.

Jo Willis is an adopted person and a specialist in the field of adoption counselling, coaching and education. She is viewed as a leader in personal development within the adoption field. As an adolescent, she lobbied local and national politicians for amendments to be made to the 1955 Adoption Act. At the age of 21 she was reunited with her birth family.

Brigs (Brigitta) Baker was adopted during the closed-adoption era, and has been in reunion with her birth family since 2008. Her professional experience includes human resource management, leadership development and coaching. She is currently training in both psychotherapy and counselling, with the aim of working more deeply with adopted people to help them process their experiences.

Q4: How does being adopted affect your sense of self?

JW: Growing up, and well into adulthood, I felt something was missing. Reunion with my birthparents went some way towards filling the void but not all the way. Adopted people seldom see themselves as complete. They can feel that a part of them/something is missing and often blame themselves. There has been no acknowledgement that this might be due to their adoption experience.

BB: Unlike Jo, I didn’t grow up with any sense that something was ‘missing’ for me. I was in complete denial that adoption and not knowing anything about my birth heritage or whakapapa had any impact on me. I bought into the philosophy that I was a blank slate, a sponge that absorbed everything I needed from the family I grew up in. I had no curiosity about my biological history or the stories that pre- dated me. It wasn’t until the birth of my eldest daughter (who according to everyone was the spitting image of me) that I even allowed myself to think that I might have missed out on something; that I, too, might look like other people out there somewhere in the world. My sense of identity was completely welded to the ‘fake history’ of being the natural child of my adoptive parents. Not being in a relationship with my family of origin until I was almost forty meant I had to reconstruct this understanding of ‘self’ decades after most people begin the process.

Q5: Did your relationship with your adopted family change when you started looking for your biological family?

JW: I didn’t tell my adoptive family when I first started searching for my birth family. I thought that they would be anxious for me and maybe even protective of me doing this. Or they might have wanted to help. I wanted to protect them and also not have an additional emotional element in the mix. I also felt I was being disloyal to them. I wanted to do this on my own for all these reasons. While I was terrified of what I might discover, it was also incredibly empowering to take action on my own.

I told my adoptive parents after I had met both my birth parents, Sue and Tony. I was very nervous but it was a ’good’ story to tell. They were genuinely happy for me. They were also amazingly welcoming of both birthparents into all of our lives. My adoptive mother expressed that ‘there was enough love to go around’. Once we could all be open about this, my relationship with my adoptive family flourished due to acceptance and inclusivity.

BB: Internally the relationship changed hugely for me, but wanting to be the ‘good girl’, I worked damned hard not to show it. I probably wasn’t very successful, as I felt a great

deal of internal conflict about trying to keep both my adoptive and birth families happy at all times. The tension I felt whenever we were all together leaked out. My daughters talk about that in the book, which was really tough to read.

It was almost a sense of whiplash for me — swinging from feeling that anything prior to being adopted was irrelevant, to feeling like I wanted to reject everything associated with my adoptive family. It was quite dramatic and for a long time I felt anchorless. Even now, when someone asks me where I’m from, I don’t know how to answer, nor do I have a strong sense of where my roots are. That is something taken away from us in closed adoption. I know for some adopted people they feel strongly aligned with their adoptive family, for others, they can comfortably stand with their feet grounded in both their birth and adoptive families, and some are estranged from both. It’s still a ‘work-on’ for me.

Q6: You have included the words of your birth parents, partners and children, which provide an insight into how adoption affects the wider family. What led to the decision to do this?

JW: We wanted to illuminate these issues and educate about the complexity, the emotional challenges, the legacy of adoption for all parties involved — partners, children, friends — because compassion and empathy flow from understanding, which is healing for all. The residue from adoption trauma oozes into relationships and I felt guilty about how my adoption-related emotional and psychological baggage landed heavily on those I loved. I wanted people to understand that this was an almost-predicable aspect of the terrain and for adopted people to take responsibility for their part in the dynamic. Self-empowerment and growing beyond these limiting patterns is life changing.

BB: Early on Jo and I talked about how many adoption stories tended to be one-sided and what a point of difference it might be to try to tell our stories from multiple viewpoints. I know when I’d read these books, I would find myself wondering what the other ‘players’ in the story were thinking, and what their experience was like. We were very privileged that our families were willing to be part of this work, and we’ve had lots of feedback on how much readers have enjoyed this aspect of the book. All of the interviews we did added so much richness to the story, and the addition of my daughters’ contributions right at the last moment before the book was printed was an absolute gift. Up until that point they hadn’t really been old enough to contribute in the way Jo’s children had — but one of our editors encouraged me to submit these additional sections. The girls were both incredibly honest in what they shared — there were certainly some brutal truths I had to face in reading the first draft!

Q7: It is a very personal subject and was no doubt a difficult process at times. At any point did you feel that it was going to be too challenging?

JW: Oh, yes, many times, especially before I met Brigitta. Writing one’s intimate experience (which for me began as a cathartic release in a personal journal) brought me face to face with deep insecurities, incredibly confusing and painful emotions, and challenges to my core beliefs. This can be a heavy load to manage on one’s own. Alongside my personal writing and healing I was also an adoption social worker and counsellor for adopted people which at times triggered my own pain and mirrored my own struggle. The adoption journey is life long; so many times during the writing I faced challenges in the relationship with my birth mother or myself. This was hard because at times it felt as if adoption was literally consuming all of me and permeating every aspect of my life. It was extremely intense. Teaming up with Brigs brought more lightness and ease to the process. I’m so grateful for this collaboration, as I’m not sure this book would have ever seen the light of day without it!

BB: Hell yes! Too many points to name. We had no issue creating content we felt was going to be of value, so during that phase of the work I felt invigorated, and the writing flowed. What felt hard and overwhelming at times was trying to pull it all into a structure that made sense and would appeal to an audience. It was also extremely difficult dealing with the range of emotions that came from sharing such a personal story. There were times I felt I was in therapy myself rather than writing a book — delving into a lot of my own unprocessed trauma, as well as living through reunion with my birth family in ‘real time’ while working on the book. Jo and I also had to deal with being in a relationship as a writing partnership . . . and as two adopted people, we brought a lot of baggage with us that made it really tough at times! We actually had to take a few breaks over the years, and there were many occasions when we thought we just couldn’t do it. But what kept us going was the belief that if reading this story could help just one adopted person feel heard, seen, and not quite so alone in their experience, it would be worth it.

Q8: Have you been surprised at any of the feedback you have received?

JW: Both surprised, immensely delighted and profoundly moved by it. Nothing negative at all just gratitude and expressions of support from a wide range of readers, adopted and non-adopted.

BB: So far, I’ve been surprised at how overwhelmingly

supportive the feedback has been. I think Jo and I were both braced for some backlash, and that may still happen, but there has been such strong acknowledgement of how engaging and ‘real’ the approach we’ve taken is. The adoption space can be highly emotive, and many adopted people and their families simply don’t want to talk about their experience, or acknowledge that adoption might be playing out for them in ways that aren’t positive. Our aim with telling our stories is to open up the dialogue about adoption in Aotearoa in a safe and inclusive way — it impacts so many people in this country — and to respect all experiences of adoption.

Q9: What would you say to someone who is thinking about searching for their birth parents?

JW: Prepare by knowing why you want to do this, how important is it to you. Be honest with yourself about what you are seeking and how you might feel if you discover things that are not ideal. Prepare by reading about reunion experiences — for example in reunion, after the honeymoon period, how do both parties engage in a healthy relationship when both have wounds that they inadvertently project onto each other? How might you navigate loyalty towards your adoptive parents and your birth parents if applicable? Relationships are tricky and these ones can be extra tricky. Prepare by putting in place support people (personal/ professional) you know are there for you to talk to, lean on and help you, if needed, from the outset. Listen to podcasts for the lived experiences and reach out to those who have been down this path before if possible. Local adoption social workers are there to help also. Prepare for anything, nothing and everything!

BB: I would say do your work first! Ideally with the support of a counsellor or other professional. Gain an understanding of why you want to search, what you want to know and understand about yourself, what expectations you have, and what you might need if these aren’t met. Read other stories or listen to podcasts about the experiences adopted people have had searching so you have an idea of what might play out. There is now so much more content available on this subject than when Jo and I went through it, although much of it comes from overseas.

Once you start the search, have at least one person who can be one hundred percent in your corner as you go on the journey — someone who can hold space for you, cheerlead, advocate for you if and when it gets tough, and who can help you work through the emotions that will invariably come up. From my own experience, I’d also say try really hard to notice when you are falling into the ‘good and grateful’ adopted person role and putting other people’s needs before you own. At the end of the day, however, you can never be fully prepared, so accept that there is no ‘perfect’ way to do this. Nothing in life that involves secrets, shame, judgement and loss is going to be easy to navigate!

Q10: Currently a review is underway of the adoption laws in New Zealand. What do you want to see changed?

JW: Firstly I would like to hear a public acknowledgement and apology for the practices under the 1955 Adoption Act that this legislation was inhumane. Financial reparation was offered in Australia to those affected to access help, and I would like similar here in New Zealand. Adopted people are often not in a financial position to fund the support they need. Ongoing access to counselling or services that can support the development of the child, mediate relationships when required, and help all parties involved navigate this lifelong process with more ease.

I would also like new legislation to reflect our current social and cultural values and be in line with the principles behind the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, including only separating a child from their parent in exceptional circumstances and that public authorities have a duty to extend particular care to children without a family and without means of support.

There are other important elements to include around research, policy and practices regarding adoptive parents and the needs to the child; for example, that there is only one legal birth certificate with all information contained on it. I’d also like to see a child-centred law that in no way fosters secrecy, shame, or severs a child ever again from their human right to their whakapapa, lineage or family.

BB: That’s a big question! Jo and I both made lengthy submissions to the current review, but I’d certainly like to see adoption as a social and legal construct abolished in favour of some form of long-term guardianship. I absolutely recognise that there are some circumstances when it is not ideal for a child to be raised in their family of origin; however, establishing healthy attachment wherever possible to the person who carried us for the first nine months of our lives, maintaining strong connections to kin, and having access to our heritage are all critical for healthy human functioning.

The whole concept of legal ‘ownership’ of a child by parents who have no biological connection to them simply seems wrong to me. When biological parents do have to relinquish their children, we need far more education and support for them to maintain the relationship throughout the child’s developmental phases, including into their teenage years, when the search for self is so critical.

I would also love to see the financing of professional support for all New Zealanders who have been affected by adoption. We are overrepresented in all measures of compromised mental health, including addiction, depression, suicide and having higher rates of incarceration and relationship breakdown — yet there is an absolute lack of adoption- informed counsellors and therapists available.

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Dancing on eggshells - guest post from adoptee David

Maybe it is the people pleaser in me, but as an adoptee I find reunion like dancing on eggs shells.  There are so many people's feelings to juggle and for some reason we put ourselves last in that list. We talk about the adoption triad, the child, adoptive parents, and the birth parents, but there more people involved when it comes to reunion.  This can range from siblings, both bio and adoptive, our spouses to wider family in general.  Everyone has feelings on the situation, even if they don’t vocalize them.  We’re afraid to upset any of them in case we are discarded and end up as alone as we were when we were given away.

I was born in 1983 and was adopted shortly after birth.  I had a happy childhood and spent my entire youth in the fog.  I didn’t want to look for either birth parent. I thought I wouldn’t be prepared for what was on the other side if I opened the door. That all changed in 2006 when my parents received a letter from the county council adoption services which said my birth mother wanted to know how I was doing.  This could have been addressed to me, but the adoption agency chose to send it to my parents in case I had not been told I was adopted.

The music starts, and my first partners take to the dance floor.

I seem to remember my parents handing me the letter and watching me while I read it. It was a lot to take in so I can’t be sure this memory is correct.

I was in a daze for several days after, the actual woman who gave birth to me wanted to know about me.  I didn’t think this would ever happen, what do I do and how do I handle such a massive situation.  I know, I’ll talk to my parents about it.  I remember trying to talk to my parents about what to do, they were and still are the people I go to for life advice, but on this occasion, I found out the situation was different.  My dad said, “surely you must know what to do”, his tone was frustrated and almost angry, like it was choosing between them and my bio mum.  I countered with the argument that both my parents and bio mum made their choices regarding adoption and gave it thought.  I never made any choices but am supposed to know what to do.  I heard the eggshell crunch as I stepped on the dance floor.  The passage of time has shown my parents that there is no threat to them, I love them all the same.  This allows me to be heavier footed as I throw my metaphorical shapes.

My next partner, and the most delicate to dance with, is my bio mum.

Meeting my bio mum was a whirlwind, at the time we were in different social classes.  She had done well for herself, she was 38, and her and her husband part owned a company and two restaurants.  I was young, 23, and came from inner city terraced housing, with working class parents.  She was ready for dancing the Waltz, and I was warming up for Gangnam style.

 I tried to navigate the relationship seeing if I could fit in and be up to what I thought her expectations were.   I sometimes found myself in uncomfortable situations and didn’t speak up as I thought it might jeopardize our fledgling relationship.  For example, the day we met she invited her husband and children to meet me, only telling me when they were on their way.  I wasn’t ready for this; in hindsight I should have spoken up.

I opened my life to my bio mum, which meant juggling my parents' feelings and still building a relationship with my bio mum.

The only thing I ever asked of my bio mum was information of my bio dad.  This wouldn’t so much trigger an eggshell crunching, but more an explosion like dynamite.  Over an 8-year period I only ever asked about my bio dad 3-4 times. The first couple of times she shut down as soon as I said “Can you tell me about my bio dad”. 
The next couple of times I got the smallest of snippets.  A name, his sisters first name and was told she would not have any idea where they were now.  This was hard to deal with, yet I did the dance and swallowed the pain of opening my life but not getting the information I wanted in return.

Eventually I got to the point where I said to my bio mum, on a phone call, either tell me more about my bio dad or we won’t talk any more.  She said “ok” and put down the phone.  I didn’t speak to her for a couple of years after that.  It cut very deep, being dropped like a stone for asking one question in a pleasant and civil manner.

My wife told me years later how much this event affected me. I thought I was fine.  But my wife said my self-esteem plummeted at this point and I had a lot of inner anger.

The next set of dance partners is a complicated mix…

My wife and I eventually found my bio dad and his family.  He had a very distinct surname and we tracked down my grandparents using old telephone directories, electoral roles and Zoopla (to see if the house they lived in had ever been sold).

I dealt with this reunion differently, I chose a slow dance rather than jumping into something too fast, but it was complicated and delicate all the same.
My bio dad was hard to locate, so I approached my grandparents via a letter.  They responded and were very open and supportive. My bio dad is an ex-heroin addict and has demons of his own.  My nan had him when she was fifteen. My bio dad found out at age twelve that his dad, who he grew up with, was not actually his biological father.  This does play into the reunion dance as I must be careful what I say on this subject as he and my nan have different views on being told at a later age about his true father.

My grandparents asked if I really wanted to meet my bio dad after they told me he had been an addict and had been to prison.  I said I did and have managed this relationship ever since.  I get on well with my grandparents, but find the relationship with my bio dad difficult, he is unreliable, and I have to make all the effort.  I don’t gel with him on a personal level, but I do not want to sever that relationship as that is what my bio mum did to me.  I love spending time with my grandparents, aunty and cousins.  I don’t want to leave my bio dad out, but I don’t want to spend time with him either.  This is a difficult dance to choreograph.

A second reunion and more dancing

When my son was born, I reconnected with my bio mum.  I didn’t want him to miss out knowing he had an aunty and uncles because my bio mum would never have reconnected.  I had to do all the repair work, even though I felt it was not my job to do.  It is hard to be the better person in this situation as all the pain was inflicted on me, my bio mum told me she would never have reached out to me.

After this reunion my wife was talking to my bio dad's sister, my aunty.  She said did my wife know that her son, my cousin, is friends with my bother on my bio mum's side.  They had been friends since infant school and had grown up together and spent a lot of time at each other's houses.  My bio mum knew where my bio father and his family were all along.  When my wife told me on the car journey home, I felt so angry.  The pain caused by never being given information about my bio dad and the lie of telling me she had no idea where they were felt awful.  But, as a good little people pleaser, I suck this up to prevent an eggshell being broken and tolerate the excuse my bio mum tells that she didn’t want to ruin the friendship my brother and cousin have. 

My wife found it hard when I reconnected with my bio mum.  My wife is a loving and protective person, she couldn’t understand why I contacted my bio mum when all she caused me is pain.  This is a subtle little dance all on its own, my wife has an opinion on this subject even though she doesn’t always voice it.

I honestly don’t know why put myself back in this situation with my bio mum, my logical mind says I shouldn’t have done it, I am worth more.  But my heart says you need to prove yourself worthy of your bio mum, you are good enough to fight for and keep like her other children.

I am still wary of this dance, like the eggs will suddenly all crunch and the music could turn off at any moment, purely because of something I might say.

I must be very careful when meeting either side of my biological family, they live nearby each other; my cousins and siblings went to the same schools.   My bio mum doesn’t want to interact with my bio dad’s family, even though they never knew I existed my entire life.  My bio dad's family are welcoming and kind, but the pain my bio mum went through in giving me up (forced by her mother, who is now deceased) means she could never face discussing that with them.  I am guessing at this last point; I think it is too sensitive a subject to ask about.

Extra dance partners…

With all the dance partners I’ve described, along with so many others I haven’t mentioned, like siblings or friends, it can feel like a disorganized line dance with 10 or more people.  You’re dancing with everyone at once, to their own music, and you are trying to be so delicate on the dance floor when really you just want to stomp around and enjoy yourself.

My reunion story is lucky and simple compared to others. I have found and have a relationship with both sides of my biological family.  I have been welcomed.  But even in this ideal situation, there are so many people involved all with their own feelings.

As adoptees we can never truly be ourselves, we are always beholden to the decisions and feelings of others.   Some people, such as our biological parents, have a power over us we cannot control.  We go back to them even if it causes us immense pain.  We accept their lies to preserve relationships.  We do the dance.

My advice here will be hypocritical as I don’t follow it myself, I am too afraid.  I think we should be ourselves, talk openly even if others are uncomfortable with it.  Not many people think about their words before they talk to adoptees, so why shouldn’t we be as free.  We never asked to be born or given up, we don’t owe anything to anybody but ourselves.  Be aware that the eggshells will break, and relationships can end.  Hold your head high and ask yourself, if someone isn’t supporting you then do you really need them.  Being a people pleaser and keeping quiet only hurts ourselves.  We always absorb the pain that others have caused.

Be free, choose the music you like, and dance as hard as you can.  We only get one life, no matter how we got here we should enjoy the party the same as everyone else.

 Photo credits:

Egg photo by Fernando Andrade on Unsplash

"File:Psy performing Gangnam Style at the Future Music Festival 2013.jpg" by Eva Rinaldi is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0.

Group of people dancing: Photo by Ardian Lumi on Unsplash

Burnout as an adoptee advocate

I had a great coaching session today and one of the suggestions was to share with you all about my recent experiences of burnout. While my instinct has been to hide away and wait until I feel ‘better’ and able to stand in front of you all as my ‘normal’ self, my coach suggested that it may be helpful for some of you to hear what’s been going on for me to see if you can relate to any of it.

Burnout as an adoptee advocate

In a way it’s amazing I haven’t experienced burnout before now. I am a working mother of two young children who have needed me even more since lockdown. How To Be Adopted is my passion and I worked out I am spending between 40-80 hours a month on it as a social enterprise.  Don’t get me wrong, I love it! There is nothing like the feeling of helping another adoptee feel understood and connected to their community.

However, just before our last webinar, The Long-Term Impacts Of Adoption, with the wonderful Gilli Bruce, I was experiencing physical symptoms of overwhelm in the form of shortness of breath and shaking. I wanted the webinar to go well. (Let’s be honest, I wanted it to go perfectly.) I didn’t want to let anyone down who had paid a donation to attend. Truth be told, my tech/Zoom skills are good but not great and I was worried something would go wrong. Happily, help appeared in the form of an angel volunteer (who wishes to stay anonymous) who ran all the tech for us that day. So, after all that worrying, everything was ‘alright on the night’.

Mum guilt and parenting as an adoptee

In terms of the hours I’m spending on How To Be Adopted, one could argue that’s 40-80 hours that I’m not spending with my children; helping them read, making them pancakes or even cleaning the house (lol). In normal times, I don’t have any guilt about these things as my husband does 50/50 of the ‘family load’ and I believe that I/we mostly strike the right balance between parenting and having my/our own interests. However, as my reserves get lower, the mum guilt creeps in. Parenting as adoptee is not easy and it’s something that many people reach out to me to discuss.

 I spoke to my GP who referred me to a counselling service. However, on the first Zoom call (after one minute) they said they would need to terminate the call as they were not Ofsted registered. Another blow - that I know many of you have experienced - which added to my feelings of frustration.

Finding out I have ADHD

I’m on the waiting list of a diagnosis, but all the signs are pointing in that direction. I impulsively take on way too many projects and then get overwhelmed and procrastinate. I go right up to the deadline for projects which stresses out the people I work with. (Apologies to everyone who has been waiting since last autumn for Gilli’s PDF! I just want it to be ‘perfect’ before I send it but I’m sure you’d rather just have the damn thing.)

I’ve needed some time to process all of this and reflect on the way my relationships and behaviours have been influenced over the last 40+ years.  I’ve found it incredibly helpful to meet other adoptees who also have ADHD and I know that despite the challenges it is a superpower. However, there is a knock-on effect of trying to have a career, a relationship and be a parent and friend with this additional challenge.

Effect on my husband as the partner of an adoptee

This brings me to the impact on partners of adoptees and in particular adoptee rights advocates. I’ve blogged before about the impact of all this on my partner and it got to the stage where he, quite rightly, asked me to pause things as I was clearly struggling. He also suggested that maybe we could have a nice relaxing family weekend without the mention of the novel I’m reading that introduced a lazy adoption plotline 2/3rds of the way through, or the latest Twitter back-and-forth with Nicky Campbell!

The futility of campaigning for change in adoptionland

Some days it feels like it’s all a little futile and that the powers that be don’t actually want things to change. They are paying lip service to adoptees and CEP. Seeing steering groups only filled with the ‘right’ adoptees who say the right things in the right way is box ticking. Seeing national leaders take selfies of themselves with adoptees and post them (without permission) and yet not taking a single thing that the adoptees suggested on board or feeding back to them about actions they had taken off the back of ‘listening’ to them. Let’s not even go there with the Care Review and the Unmarried Mothers Inquiry – which I still have fingers crossed we will get an apology and concrete changes, although hearing a government minister wrongly say that adoptees have enough support and can go to their GP like everyone else was infuriating.

It really does feel like we are banging our heads against a brick wall sometimes. And, to be frank, I have a life to live. I only have one wild and precious life. Do I want to devote it to the thankless task of changing an industry that doesn’t want to change? I’m essentially fighting the entire Conservative government who are openly pro-adoption and openly anti poor people – who represent the higher end of the numbers of mothers currently losing their children to adoption. Existential crisis alert! I recently read a book that challenged me to live an unremarkable life, as it’s said that is the route to happiness.

Seeing national leaders celebrating adoption at Downing Street last National Adoption Week was probably where this malaise started. Time and again we have asked them to present the full story. ‘Celebrate’ if you must, but please acknowledge the lifelong loss and trauma as well. Parading younger adoptees in front of the camera while excluding older adoptees who have spent time learning about their trauma, their coping mechanisms, and the effect of adoption on their relationships throughout their lifetime is not cool.

Comparison syndrome with other adoptee advocates

Comparison is a one-way ticket to dissatisfaction, and logically I know that. I’ve been in therapy for years and taken dozens of self-development workshops, I know this stuff! But when reserves are low it’s easy to fall into the trap of looking at what others are doing and how much funding they’ve managed to achieve.

In reality, what I’ve achieved it beyond brilliant and I’ve managed it with a young family and a job. A senior bod at PAC-UK recently said, “What you do has galvanised adopted people in a really beneficial way.”

Other organisations getting hundreds of thousands in funding to improve adoptee support

Of course, objectively this is a great thing and will help many adoptees. But I do feel that it’s partly due to my hard work, networking, campaigning and galvanising over a number of years that has led to this level of national understanding for the need for additional support. So it’s disheartening to see huge funding for what is essentially How To Be Adopted’s ideas going to a non-adoptee led organisation.

What’s next for How To Be Adopted

The next blog will be more upbeat, as I share with you my top achievements over the last 4.5 years (since 2017 when I began) as I think it’s important for me to recognise that. It will also be a chance to highlight some gems that you may not have seen/read.

I’ll be taking some time to think about where my skills will be best used as it’s clear I can no longer try to be all things to all people and to solve all of the problems with adoptee support, or lack thereof, in the UK, particularly with no funding behind me. Big thanks to the amazing Gilli Bruce, Lara Leon and my fab support network of adoptees – you know who you are! As well as the organisations who have reached out to see how they can help namely PAC-UK and Adopt London North.

The main thing I would urge you to do off the back of this blog post is to sign up to the How To Be Adopted monthly email as this will be the way we’ll be communicating for a while as we scale back the social media. You are also welcome to join the HTBA membership programme and help us shape the future of the service – thanks to our wonderful founding members for your support!

Of course, if you have any brainwaves re resourcing, funding, etc please send them over to hello@howtobeadopted.com or comment below

Claire x

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash