A letter to 13-year old me from adoptee Kate

Apr 26

Apr 26 A letter to 13-year old me from adoptee Kate

I was recently asked by my therapist to write to a younger me. I am sharing because I wish I’d heard this letter back then, but maybe they might help an Adoptee struggling now.

My therapist asked me to choose an age on the spot & 13 jumped out, before I had time to second guess myself or choose an ‘easy’ option.

I soon recognised this felt like an impossible task.

This was my opportunity to connect with my younger self, to actually engage with her & validate her reality. A reality which I have steadfastly kept myself disconnected from for decades. 13 is such a tough age for anyone, but especially my 13 yr old self, unknowingly carrying the traumatic experience of infant separation & adoption.

(I feel I need to add a clarifier here: I experienced no abuse in my childhood, I was raised in a loving, open & honest family, I was given all info available at age appropriate moments (my 13th birthday being the one where I learned the most), and yet I still seriously struggled).

I spent the week procrastinating, avoiding & stressing about this letter, until one hour before the session…

Then I reached out to #adopteetwitter. Support flowed (as always 💛) & so did my thoughts.

I am a domestic infant adoptee (DIA), born in 1980 in Ireland.

I was adopted at 11 days old.

I always knew I was adopted.

I always knew I was loved.

I always struggled.

This is a letter I wish I had read when I was 13 years old & struggling the most.

Dear 13 year old me

Hi! You don’t know me but I know you. I’m who you grow into. I wanted to share some thoughts with you. Things I’ve thought about that might help you over the coming years 💛

I have found writing this letter has been so difficult as I don’t want to let you down & I know you could do with some love & support, & most importantly understanding & validation.

I am sitting here looking at darkened fields & feeling the wind on my skin remembering one of my first scout camps at 13 years old. Sitting in a field watching the full Spring moon rise. Sitting with my thoughts and feelings for hours (it felt like). Feeling so disconnected from the people around me. The scout troop’s religious ceremony, clearly bonding them all in a ritual I didn’t understand or feel connected to, reminding me I was going home to people who I didn’t feel understood me, or fully connected to, (although I felt very much loved by them).

I still remember feeling so alone, adrift, anchor-less.

That feeling you have of never belonging? Never fitting in?
Disconnected?
Never being good enough?
Always being misunderstood in your emotional responses?
Ugly?
Socially & emotionally clumsy?
Always 2 steps behind?
They’re normal feelings, and they’re ok. I’ve learned that Adopted people often feel this way because we have to make sense of a serious traumatic start in life, we learn to internalise the loss of our mother. How else can we make sense of it all? 💛

It’s strange to speak of adoption having any negative effects. It really changed my life when I started to recognise that it’s ok to criticise adoption. That adoption is inherently traumatic and continues to cause a lot of harm, mentally & emotionally, throughout our lives.

That doesn’t stop it feeling awful, & devastating & lonely right now, but it has helped me a lot to know that no one lives with being adopted without these kind of feelings.

Firstly, & perhaps most importantly:
YOU ARE NOT BROKEN.
You are not defective.
You are not unworthy.

I know the people around you seem like they have it all together, that they instinctively fit in. A lot of that is smoke & mirrors. No one really knows who they are as a teenager, but you do know what you’re not:

You are not unwanted
you are not unloved
You are not unlikeable
You are not dishonest
You are not unkind
You are not un-generous (with attention, time or materials)
You are not mean
You are not cruel
You are not patronising
You are not ugly.

All of these hard times are helping you to grow into a kind & thoughtful person, who reaches out to look after other people.

But you don’t need to look after other people to have value or worth, you don’t need to be useful to be accepted.

You have more to bring than your usefulness.

People around you may not now see value in these traits, but you will find your way to people who will value and cherish these things about you.

There’s a whole world out there & you will find your way, but right now it all feels really rubbish.

It doesn’t stop feeling rubbish for quite a while, but focus on what’s right for you, do things you love to do, learn things you want to learn, & know that in a few short years you will be in control of your own destiny.

All the sadness, the grief, the emotional knife edge of expecting the worst from people, not being able to express yourself safely & knowing you can’t be understood by those around you, (despite their best efforts)… these feelings are valid and they matter, you are not as alone as you feel.

Getting angry is a healthy response to all of the micro aggressions & lack of validation. Although those around you don’t understand or recognise it, your anger is necessary, you need a relief valve.

The shame that comes after an outburst is tied to others not understanding you. The shame is theirs that they cannot connect or engage with your grief. You do not need to carry their expectations (of how to cope with your loss, & adoption IS loss) or their limitations (due to lack of understanding or lack of ability to understand). That’s on them.

Be kind to yourself.

We spend our entire lives with only one person, ourselves. We have to learn to love ourselves. We owe it to ourselves to be kind to ourselves. Everyone else will come and go, but we are the constant. Always try to do what’s right for you (without intentionally hurting anyone obviously), this is YOUR life 💛 You are worthy 💛

When it all gets too much, and the sadness is unbearable, please think of your future self sending you loving empowering hugs 💛

I carry you with me everywhere I go, you are a part of me, & someday you’ll connect with others who understand exactly what you’re feeling.

You’re not alone 💛

Lots of love,

Me xxx

Sending Hugs to all my fellow Adoptees & their 13 year old selves 💛