Do you have a family tree you could share?

Do you have a tree? Hmm... well the short answer is no. And the long answer is: I’m too scared to start a tree because:

• I don’t want to find out how Ancestry differentiates between adopted children and ‘real’ children (dotted lines? Parenthesis?)

• I don’t want to break the website trying to fit my complicated family into their (probably) simplistic framework.

• I don’t want to have to choose between my adoptive family and my biological family when it comes to inputting my mother or father, and I’m guessing it won’t accept two of each.

• I’m frightened to see just how much everyday people are obsessed with their ‘blood’ going back centuries (when “it’s not thicker than water you know, it’s really not: we make our own families, etc etc”)

• I’m worried an alarm will sound in my parents’ house if I type my birth name onto a website “traitor alert!” “Sound the ungrateful klaxon!” “Stop press: snotty-nosed foundling snubs selfless couple who ‘took her in’!”

• I’m worried biological relatives I have never met will politely ask me to ‘untag’ myself from ‘their’ family trees, despite DNA ‘evidence’ I’m related.

• I haven’t been given explicit permission by my birth parents to announce my existence to extended bio family and it may seem as though I’m ‘making waves’.

• A bio relative may express interest initially then ‘ghost’ me once they discover I am a black sheep/rotten apple/etc.
  

However I have been helping a friend with his tree and it has felt very empowering to see his mother’s name there in black and white. There’s a cool feature where Ancestry automatically populates any known siblings, parents, grandparents etc so we literally watched his family tree grow before our very eyes - and you can’t argue with the DNA!

So I will be creating my tree soon, and I’ll keep you posted on how it feels, if any bios contact me, and whether or not I’m struck by lightning for publicly stating information that a court decided should be kept secret.

I’d love to know how you’ve navigated the world of Ancestry.

Claiming space as an adoptee

Anyone else sometimes feel like running amok? Going rogue? Taking up some space for once? Here are a few crazy things I toy with doing from time to time. Things that, to even think about, make me feel super scared and cripplingly anxious.

However, I don’t want to break any official or unofficial rules. I don’t want to be “sent back” for not abiding by the terms and conditions of my adoption. Of course, then I remind myself I did not sign any terms and conditions. I wonder if I am being complicit in the secrecy that I so outwardly loathe and deride. If my behaviour is contributing to the sack of shame I carry over my shoulder wherever I go.

What’s the worst that could happen…?

Will I disappear in a puff of smoke if I…
Say I don’t believe in adoption as it is currently done?
Say I believe adoption is trauma?
Tell my children the lady whose house we visit annually is actually an extra granny?

Will I be arrested if I…
Name my birth parents on this blog?
Tag my biological siblings on Facebook?
Take a selfie outside my biological grandparent’s house?
Leave flowers on my paternal grandfather’s grave?

Will I deter future friends if I…
Answer the “Do you have any brothers and sisters?” question with the complicated truth?
Tell them about my attachment issues?

Will I be ridiculed if I…
Create a family tree on Ancestry?
Message a biological relative on ancestry and admit to being an adoptee?
Ask to be known by my original name?

Does an alarm go off of an adoptee claims their space on this earth? Or is it wonderfully exhilaratingly freeing? I’d love to know.... leave me a comment if you’ve done any of these things and tell me how it’s worked out.

Photo credit: Clem Onojeghuo clemono.com

Dear grandmother, from your secret granddaughter...

Dear grandmother,

I wanted to thank you for the cardigans you knitted for my first baby.

They came in big batches. We didn’t know what we were having so you knitted a mixture of colours from yellow and green to pink and multi-coloured. It was a boy: your first great-grandchild. He has never met you and we don’t have a photograph of you.

When his sister was born a few years later, she wore the pink and yellow ones and we took photos for you. I hope you saw them.

I often wonder if she looks like you.

At the time I thought we were on the cusp of a relationship, but that never materialised and I’ve only met you once. I wish I’d known it would just be the once. I wish I'd known you were my last surviving biological grandparent. I would have asked you more questions. I would have looked into your eyes properly. I would have remembered what colour your eyes are. 

As it is, I will remember the gesture. Not a shop-bought gift, not just one hand-knitted cardigan, but dozens of soft, colourful creations made from a variety of wools and given different finishes. I wonder what you were thinking about during the hours it took to knit them.

I didn’t realise the significance of the gesture at the time, I was so caught up in being a mum to a newborn. Now I choose to think you were knitting the cardigans not just for my baby, but for me as well.  You didn’t know me as a baby and you couldn’t be there for me as a grandmother. You didn’t meet me until I was an adult, but I carry hope that you would have loved me, and maybe even fought to keep me in the family. It’s nice to think like that sometimes, but realistically I know it's unlikely.

We may never know what might have been, but I choose to see your gesture as one of love and redemption. I promise to pass your cardigans down to my children. In this way they will be able to feel a connection to their ancestors despite their complicated family tree. It will be our version of sepia-toned photographs on the wall at home.

And if I am lucky enough to have grandchildren to wear your cardigans, I will hold them so very tight.

Love,

Your secret granddaughter

A-Z of adoption triggers (Part one: A-C)

I’ve never been “officially” diagnosed with attachment issues, but here are my top adoption triggers, so see what you think! 

 It kind of makes sense to feel upset and anxious around the themes of (possible) abandonment, I think? I’m hoping other adoptees will get in touch saying “Me too!” – and let’s exchange tips on what works in terms of healing. I’ve touched on a few things in my last blog, but keen to have – and share – a big healing toolkit.

A is for Ageing

Not something one can avoid but certainly more noticeable as time marches on.

 I’ve been friends with the same group of girls since we started secondary school, when our mums were about the same age we are now. So whenever we meet up I’m acutely aware of how much they’re now looking like their mothers. Just a fleeting expression or gesture and their whole ancestry appears in front of me.

As my appearance changes with age, I have no idea who I resemble. Although I’m in reunion and see my biological parents fairly regularly, their faces are not imprinted in mind as my family’s faces are. I also don’t know many, if any, of their/my relatives aka my wider genetic pool – I’m may end up looking like an aunt, cousin, grandparent or even great-grandparent! Who knows?

 B is for Birthdays

It’s a no-brainer really for adoptees to be triggered around their birthdays. In my teens and 20s I went extremely off-kilter around my birthday, which is a polite way of saying I screamed and shouted at my friends and boyfriend and cried on every single birthday. Friends have since told me they were afraid to attend my birthday parties, but more afraid not to!

I still do cry on my birthday but I accept it as part of the adoptee experience. I suppose I am crying for the little baby arriving into the world and going straight into a metaphorical Waiting Room between two mothers. For most people, birthdays mark the day you joined your family. Not so for adoptees.

I know some people “celebrate” their adoption day as well (or instead of) their birthday. Gotcha Day, is it called? I’d love to hear from you about how this works and whether it helps.

 C is for Christmas

I’ve had insomnia since October worrying about Christmas. I feel an intense need to opt out of all the celebrations and hide in a hole. Not really possible with two little ones!

 However this is coupled with an even stronger need to be in all places at once so I’m not “forgotten”. My nightmare scenario is all my family realise they have a better time without me there, i.e. that I am dispensable.

I’d love to hear from other adoptees whose parents also have biological children to understand if this is maybe a factor.

Coming soon: look out for the rest of the alphabet of adoption triggers coming soon! I'll be covering pregnancy, childbirth and my love/hate relationship with Long Lost Family.