Finding a peer support group for adopted people or an adoptee meet-up

If you’re looking for the opportunity to meet with other adopted people, there are a number of ways. Connecting with other adoptees can be life-changing so it’s well worth putting in some time and effort to find your tribe.

First you can see if there is an adoptee peer support group near you… no need to reinvent the wheel, as they say! Groups are springing up all over the UK, which is fabulous.

5 steps to finding an adoptee group:

1. Check if there’s already an adoptee group in your area - there are several well established groups including in London, Devon, Cornwall, Manchester and Bristol.

2. Ask How To Be Adopted to check - we can find out if there’s a fledging group in your area or an adoptee who’s shown an interest that you could join forces with.

3. Advertise locally, eg the library, local noticeboards, local Facebook pages - you’d be surprised who might see it and think YES!

4. Ask your local authority if they have a group for adult adoptees. Bear in mind that social workers may attend these groups. It’s not a deal breaker for most people but some prefer it to be adoptees only. If you’re not sure how to find details, I recommend Googling “adoption + name of your local borough” and this should redirect you to your regional adoption agency website.

5. Set one up yourself! Again, you can use local methods to advertise or ask How To Be Adopted to put something on the website and in the emails, which go to over 1,000 people.

Tips for starting a group for adoptees:

• Stick to a time and day of the month if you can, this may exclude some people but it helps to maintain continuity and reduces admin on the people organising the adoptee group. Most people find monthly is the right frequency.

• Commit for 12 months if you can, results only usually start to show after about 6 months.

• Consider paying for a (adoptee sensitive) facilitator if you can afford it as this takes the burden off one person to ‘run’ the meetings. If this is not possible, make sure the person or people who do the organising of the meeting venue, etc, are not also expected to run the meeting themselves as this can mean they feel pressure/responsibility and are not able to get the most out of the group. It needs to be a shared effort.

• Implement groundrules and boundaries - require people to read and agree to them before they attend. Be clear about what happens if they are not stuck to. An example of this happened in one group where someone was inappropriately contacting another group member on WhatsApp. This is one disadvantage of not having a facilitator - these issues have to tackled by the group members themselves.

  HTBA Example meeting agreement, you are welcome to use.

  Gilli Bruce helped form the meeting agreement/groundrules and uses them for her virtual online adoptee support group and the groups she runs with PAC-UK. Of course, groundrules can evolve so it’s worth checking in every 6 months or so to see if anyone has amends or additions to suggest.

• Consider having a chat with each person before they come along to see where they’re at and if this is the right time for them to attend a group. If not, signpost to other support organisations such as PAC-UK, Mind and Samaritans. Remember some people may be vulnerable and/or triggered by coming along. In an ideal world we would have safe groups that are ‘held’ by an adoptee-sensitive professional, ideally a therapist (not social worker) trained in facilitating groups. On the other hand, 80% of adoptees have never met another adopted person and in lieu of anything else being available, it can really help to connect with one another!

• Some people will come once but not come back. In my experience that’s all par for the course. If this happens, you could ask them to send you a short message letting you know they are ok.

• Don’t discount online groups - they can be useful for those in very rural locations, anyone who has a disability or health condition, solo parents, and people with little spare time due to work or caring responsibilities.

• Tailored groups exist for younger adoptees, lgbtq+ adoptees, adoptees of colour, international adoptees, etc. A good place to start is The Dunbar Project.

  There are even plans for a HTBA sub-group for children of adoptees! To register your interest, get in touch.

The North London group, we will be turning 4 in November!

Additional things to consider:

• Consider who the group will be open to. There are several grey areas that you may need to make a decision on in order to keep the group a safe and comfortable space for adopted people. Examples include: adoptees who have gone on to adopt, people who have been adopted by their step-father, people who have been adopted by their grandparents, people who have a parent who is adopted. While there is no doubt more support groups are needed for everyone affected by adoption, it can help to be slightly narrow as - remember - it is rare for adoptees to find a space they can truly speak and share freely.

• When finding a venue for your adoptee group, a quiet space is best. However, don’t discount pubs as although not first choice for many due to related issues with addiction, some have back rooms that are free during the day.

• Ask your local authority for support with finding a room, a facilitator, funding for the admin, marketing and logistics - remember that the government’s remit for adoption includes supporting adult adoptees so we are as entitled to their time and resources as adoptive parents (who they tend to prioritise in their services).

• Be cheeky and ask for local support. North London estate agent Tatlers generously paid for the North London adoptee group to have a lovely Christmas meal at The Clissold Arms in 2022 and 2024.

• Just like joining any new community, there will be some people you click with and some you don’t. Try to listen to your gut and avoid the people pleasing and - who knows - you may find the person (or people) that ‘gets you’. Connection really helps to feel less alone, reduce shame and boost wellbeing.

  If you belong to an adoptee group, feel free to post about it below in the comments and let other adopted people know about it.

The North London group again, we love a big table!

Adoptee advocate burnout - Claire's story

I posted a blog last year about my experience of burnout and my need to take a step back. After this, the wonderful Gilli Bruce, from the team, contacted the Guardian to nominate me for a Guardian Angel award. I had no idea! When the Guardian called me to ask if they could interview me and send a photographer out, I was torn. On the one hand, I was absolutely exhausted and I knew I needed some time out. On the other hand, this was a great opportunity to get an adoptee’s viewpoint in a national newspaper. It would go some small way to redressing the awful imbalance where most stories about adoption in the media are from the adoptive parent’s point of view - the BBC being one of the main culprits. They even did a podcast episode on the language we use about care leavers and only interviewed an adoptive parent, no care leavers.

So, it was with some trepidation that I said yes to the Guardian article. In short, I put my physical and emotional health after the desire I have (and have always had since 2017) to help just one adoptee out there feel less alone. In that sense, the article was a big success. I was contacted by dozens of people saying thank you - even ex-classmates and colleagues I didn’t even know were adopted!

There followed an influx of new followers on social media and new subscribers to the email newsletters - hello to you all and welcome! But this meant even more beavering away behind the scenes from me! The extra exposure that this put me under also sadly led to some negativity and trolling from other adoptees. This was very hard to take as I didn’t have copy approval for the Guardian piece, which means I was potentially putting my relationship with my parents and siblings under threat as I had no idea what the Guardian would publish. It was a huge risk for me, on top of all the hard work I’ve put into HTBA over the last 5 years. It was very upsetting to get this backlash from other adoptees.

All of this led to an extreme situation in November of last year where by I was very stressed out and disregulated and starting to experience some physical symptoms - which I am now seeing a team of medical practitioners for. In fact, if anyone came to my talk at PAC UK for National Adoption Week you could probably tell I was struggling then. My talk was all about the nervous system and how, as adoptees, ours can need lots of additional care and tending. That is the lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way. You can have years of talking therapy but the body holds the score!

At this time, I made the heartbreaking decision to step back from the North London in-person adoptee groups that I set up completely from scratch and ran for 14 months. I am beyond grateful that two of the members stepped forward to run the logistics of the meetings, and Adopt North London agreed to continue their support. Sadly, I also decided to close my Patreon membership and stop running the monthly zooms for members. I am very grateful that two of the members stepped forward to run the Zooms and ensure they didn’t have to stop.

During this difficult time, Gilli Bruce and Lara Leon were an amazing support - thank you so much to you both, you’re angels!

As you can imagine, all this helped enormously to reduce my feelings of guilt that I wasn’t doing enough! Being enough! Changing enough! It helped me remember that there are lots of us and we can all do our bit, it doesn’t all fall to me. (Logically I know this!) The Adult Adoptee Movement have made my heart sing as it means the activism and influencing side of things is covered and I can focus on what I do best, blogging. I’m also great at sharing what’s going on in adopteeland, from new books to exhibitions, new groups and events. So please keep sharing these with me. I really miss Instagram for this because it was such a gorgeous community where we all shared and picked each other up. (Unlike Twitter!!)

You can comment with any adoptee news and events below, and/or email hello@howtobeadopted.com and I’ll share them in my email newsletters. Guest blogs are EVEN more welcome at this time as it helps take the pressure off me, so again please get in touch if you want to share a guest blog you’ve written.

Yummy things that have been helping while I’m recovering from burnout:

• Watching some relaxing TV like Emily In Paris - usually I would be busybusybusy and not allow myself ‘trash TV’!

• Reading beautiful books like The Marriage Portrait and Demon Copperhead

• Receiving some beautiful flowers and a fab book in the post from two of you lovely lot, thank you :)

• Cuddles with my hubby, my kids and my baby niece and nephew

• Boardgames with the family - we are currently loving Quirkle and Sushi Go!

Little by little I can feel myself starting to slow down, very gradually, and step out of flight/flight. Bear with me. I hope this helps someone somewhere take some time to tend to their nervous system too.

Photo by Kinga Howard on Unsplash

PS Bristol people! A new group has started led by a lovely lady called Becky. You can email me hello@howtobeadopted.com if you want to be put in touch with Becky.

PPS Another thing we’ve decided to do during this slightly fallow period is to make the videos from the virtual retreat free and available to all on YouTube: see the HTBA videos - huge thanks to the wonderful Gilli Bruce, Lara Leon and Anne Heffron for their enthusiastic agreement to share their talks :)

How the peer group for adopted people began in North London

After two years online, it was time to start meeting in person again. The group I had been coordinating with Adopt North London (formerly the North London Consortium) were not yet ready to begin IRL meetings due to covid health and safety and social distancing concerns at their venue. So I decided to be brave and set up a group locally.

What had stopped me before? Honestly, because I am not a trainer therapist or social worker i was afraid of people being triggered in the group and leaving in distress, or worse. But I began to balance this risk with the number of adopted people already in distress alone with no support from their local authority and no charities or national organisations specifically for adoptees. I have also been training as a Kundalini Global yoga teacher which has taught me how to be trauma informed and how to hold a safe space. After consulting with a number of therapists, respected colleagues who work in the adoption sector, and - of course - Gilli who runs a group for adopted people in Warrington, I decided to take the plunge.

I initially approached my local library who were really enthusiastic. They offered me a room and put my posters up in the window! After announcing the group on Twitter and Instagram I had 10-12 people interested immediately. Many were from my local area - which is amazing to think we have been living close by all these years without knowing! But some were from further afield which highlighted how far people are willing to travel in the middle of a weekday, just to meet other adopted people and feel seen, heard and supported.

Sadly the library had a leak and I had five days to find another venue. I channelled my inner Anneka Rice and made a lot of calls! A gorgeous local pub offered their backroom, and the event was back on!

So far we have had two meetings IRL, with a third planned for late February. We have strict-ish group guidelines and boundaries, to help me feel confident facilitating. It feels like a warm and safe space, and we are all at the very beginning of getting to know one another.

Keep you posted! If you are reading this and you live elsewhere, please know that we are planning to have a group up and running in every town and city in the UK! Hang tight. And please support How To Be Adopted if you can. We are not looking to make money from anyone’s challenges - we believe support should be provided free and for life. But until this is a reality, we do need to cover costs.

Photos by: https://www.mvkphotography.co.uk