Finding a peer support group for adopted people or an adoptee meet-up

If you’re looking for the opportunity to meet with other adopted people, there are a number of ways. Connecting with other adoptees can be life-changing so it’s well worth putting in some time and effort to find your tribe.

First you can see if there is an adoptee peer support group near you… no need to reinvent the wheel, as they say! Groups are springing up all over the UK, which is fabulous.

5 steps to finding an adoptee group:

1. Check if there’s already an adoptee group in your area - there are several well established groups including in London, Devon, Cornwall, Manchester and Bristol.

2. Ask How To Be Adopted to check - we can find out if there’s a fledging group in your area or an adoptee who’s shown an interest that you could join forces with.

3. Advertise locally, eg the library, local noticeboards, local Facebook pages - you’d be surprised who might see it and think YES!

4. Ask your local authority if they have a group for adult adoptees. Bear in mind that social workers may attend these groups. It’s not a deal breaker for most people but some prefer it to be adoptees only. If you’re not sure how to find details, I recommend Googling “adoption + name of your local borough” and this should redirect you to your regional adoption agency website.

5. Set one up yourself! Again, you can use local methods to advertise or ask How To Be Adopted to put something on the website and in the emails, which go to over 1,000 people.

Tips for starting a group for adoptees:

• Stick to a time and day of the month if you can, this may exclude some people but it helps to maintain continuity and reduces admin on the people organising the adoptee group. Most people find monthly is the right frequency.

• Commit for 12 months if you can, results only usually start to show after about 6 months.

• Consider paying for a (adoptee sensitive) facilitator if you can afford it as this takes the burden off one person to ‘run’ the meetings. If this is not possible, make sure the person or people who do the organising of the meeting venue, etc, are not also expected to run the meeting themselves as this can mean they feel pressure/responsibility and are not able to get the most out of the group. It needs to be a shared effort.

• Implement groundrules and boundaries - require people to read and agree to them before they attend. Be clear about what happens if they are not stuck to. An example of this happened in one group where someone was inappropriately contacting another group member on WhatsApp. This is one disadvantage of not having a facilitator - these issues have to tackled by the group members themselves.

  HTBA Example meeting agreement, you are welcome to use.

  Gilli Bruce helped form the meeting agreement/groundrules and uses them for her virtual online adoptee support group and the groups she runs with PAC-UK. Of course, groundrules can evolve so it’s worth checking in every 6 months or so to see if anyone has amends or additions to suggest.

• Consider having a chat with each person before they come along to see where they’re at and if this is the right time for them to attend a group. If not, signpost to other support organisations such as PAC-UK, Mind and Samaritans. Remember some people may be vulnerable and/or triggered by coming along. In an ideal world we would have safe groups that are ‘held’ by an adoptee-sensitive professional, ideally a therapist (not social worker) trained in facilitating groups. On the other hand, 80% of adoptees have never met another adopted person and in lieu of anything else being available, it can really help to connect with one another!

• Some people will come once but not come back. In my experience that’s all par for the course. If this happens, you could ask them to send you a short message letting you know they are ok.

• Don’t discount online groups - they can be useful for those in very rural locations, anyone who has a disability or health condition, solo parents, and people with little spare time due to work or caring responsibilities.

• Tailored groups exist for younger adoptees, lgbtq+ adoptees, adoptees of colour, international adoptees, etc. A good place to start is The Dunbar Project.

  There are even plans for a HTBA sub-group for children of adoptees! To register your interest, get in touch.

The North London group, we will be turning 4 in November!

Additional things to consider:

• Consider who the group will be open to. There are several grey areas that you may need to make a decision on in order to keep the group a safe and comfortable space for adopted people. Examples include: adoptees who have gone on to adopt, people who have been adopted by their step-father, people who have been adopted by their grandparents, people who have a parent who is adopted. While there is no doubt more support groups are needed for everyone affected by adoption, it can help to be slightly narrow as - remember - it is rare for adoptees to find a space they can truly speak and share freely.

• When finding a venue for your adoptee group, a quiet space is best. However, don’t discount pubs as although not first choice for many due to related issues with addiction, some have back rooms that are free during the day.

• Ask your local authority for support with finding a room, a facilitator, funding for the admin, marketing and logistics - remember that the government’s remit for adoption includes supporting adult adoptees so we are as entitled to their time and resources as adoptive parents (who they tend to prioritise in their services).

• Be cheeky and ask for local support. North London estate agent Tatlers generously paid for the North London adoptee group to have a lovely Christmas meal at The Clissold Arms in 2022 and 2024.

• Just like joining any new community, there will be some people you click with and some you don’t. Try to listen to your gut and avoid the people pleasing and - who knows - you may find the person (or people) that ‘gets you’. Connection really helps to feel less alone, reduce shame and boost wellbeing.

  If you belong to an adoptee group, feel free to post about it below in the comments and let other adopted people know about it.

The North London group again, we love a big table!

2024 adoptee round up

Happy new year! Time to round up some of last year’s highlights.

25th January 2025 afternoon retreat: book now

Places are going fast for the HTBA annual January adoptee community retreat with Claire and Gilli. You can see a rough agenda here and book your place. Suggested donation is £15 but you can put anything from £1 in order to check out. It’s running online from 2-5pm and we’ll cover the effect of trauma on the body and some tips on finding/starting an adoptee group near you.

Book now

2024 highlights

BBC Radio 4 Women’s Hour

Women’s Hour has been a dream for me for a long time. It was amazing to finally get the call, but bittersweet as well because I was talking about some very heartbreaking family circumstances rather than just bigging up How To Be Adopted and other great adoptee organisations.

Listen back to Claire from How To Be Adopted on Women’s Hour talking about a new report that recommends changes to contact arrangements (aka maintaining relationships) after adoption. It starts around 20 mins in.Also interviewed is Prof Beth Neil. You can learn more about the proposed changes to modern adoption practice here.

Expansion of adoptee peer groups throughout the UK

Groups are going strong, with contingents in London, Bristol, Devon, Cornwall and more. The fabulous Ryan in Edinburgh ran an amazing run of adoptee meet ups including breakfast, lunch and dinner!

‘We Are Family’ webinar on adoptees becoming parents

I’m regularly asked to present to adoptive parents and I always say no, until this year! Professor Beth Neil asked me to speak about my lived experience of being an adopted person and becoming a parent. This was part of a webinar for We Are Family and within the huor we managed to cover Beth’s extensive research into what happens when adopted people become parents, as well as two adoptees’ experiences - mine and Daniel Bishop who you may remember from this brillaint guest blog on being a late-discovery adoptee.

Currently only members of WAF can watch the talk back.

Anniversary of changing the Ofsted law re adoptees accessing counselling

18th December marked a year since the law change! I’d love to know your stories on how the law change has impacted you whether you’re a therapist or adopted person.

HTBA North London group Christmas meal

Sponsored by Tatlers estate agency, we had a wonderful Christmas lunch.

Before you go

Please make sure you’re signed up to the emails as that’s where we share goings on in adopteeland like books, plays, podcasts, etc.

Adoptee retreat spring 2024

In May 2024 a group of 21 adult adoptees gathered in North Wales for a weekend of input on adoption topics and group sharing. 

We were welcomed by the wonderful people at Noddfa (meaning spiritual retreat in Welsh) in North Wales, who host events, retreats, or just plain old B&B in a lovely old mansion house. There was nice home-cooked food in a cosy and homely environment. 

The building

Participants came from far and wide – Scotland, The Isle of Wight, North and South – one participant came from Oregon USA!  Even though some had long journeys people felt it was worth the trip – the simple fact of being in a room filled with adoptees was all a bit magic in itself.

The event was organised and run by Adoptees in Alliance: Lara Leon and Gilli Bruce – both adoptees and qualified counsellors, assisted by Roz Munroe – adoptee and knowledgeable coach. 

The team hold a wealth of experience and understanding of all things adoption and covered a range of adoption topics including:

• Inner Child work

• Relationships with the adopted family

• Reunion

• Relationships with other adults as an adoptee

• Boundaries

• Calming the Nervous System

With sessions for group sharing on their own adoption experience and how, with reference to the subjects covered - how being adopted had impacted upon people’s lives.

The weekend was rich and rewarding and the group enjoyed some free time to explore locally – some ventured into Conwy, some relaxed in the lovely garden and some brave souls went swimming in the sea!

For some this was their first adoptee weekend, whilst others were returners from the ’23 retreat in The Lake District. We really see the benefits of gathering together as adopted people, so whether that is in-person or on-line it feels very beneficial to connect with other adoptees.

There is a significant demand for adoptee gatherings so we will endeavour to offer what we can, watch this space! 

Go gently out there fellow adoptees and look after yourselves.

Gilli Bruce x

Read about the first retreat for adoptees run by Gilli and Leon.

The garden

Read more at Lara Leon’s website

Share below if you know of any other events or retreats for adopted people!

‘Incredible community vibe and feelings of belonging’

Feedback from our 2nd virtual retreat for adoptees.

"Gilli and Claire were AMAZING presenters. I related to almost everything discussed and it felt so validating. "

“As a first-time attendee to a HTBA event, it was so good to be amongst so many kindred spirits! There is strength in numbers and being an adoptee can be a lonely road. I found the format overall worked well for me. The grounding session was a great way to centre my focus on the afternoon's event."

"It was so useful and interesting to connect with other adoptees at an event run my adoptees. The community feeling was incredible. I have never felt like I belonged anywhere as much as I did during the time here. I think this could be my new “family” after many years spent lost. I look forward to seeing and being part of growing this community. "

"First time of attending anything like this. It was amazing to be part of this fantastic retreat. Thank you."

“It’s impossible to choose my favourite session! Grounding session, research/3 impacts with Gilli and 3 impacts with Claire were all wonderful."

"The meditation was great to end on, the research was so interesting. I loved the breakout rooms, never spoken to another adopted person before knowingly. "

And some tips for us to take on board for next time:

“I think sometimes until people have experienced it, they don't realise how significant and poignant the break out rooms and shared experience is. People seem to get SO much from these. I'd like them to be longer, it always feels short and people sometimes need time to settle into the groups before they start feeling confident enough to speak or share. "

“It's always so nice to spend time with other adopted adults, but after doing a few get-togethers there's a certain amount of repetition to introduce/remind of issues not everyone might be familiar with (which can't be helped, and is ofc necessary for those newer to the topics/into their journeys) ."

"Make the break out rooms sessions a fair bit longer. People seem to really enjoy the chance to hear other's experiences, connect and share. Some people have never done this before and find it quite profound. Always there seems to be a depth of shared experience and it's so validating and helpful. For example, hearing and knowing you're not the only one that has always felt like a total alien in the world. I've heard and seen this a few times now and it helps me so deeply every time. "

"Personally, I was quite overwhelmed as I have only just started to look at the impacts of adoption and found the experience surreal specifically the similarities of how we all respond to and handle our adoptions.. I think I've a few surprises to come to terms with.."

How likely would you be to attend a future event?

9.2 out of 10

Did you feel an impact on your sense of well-being?

8.6 out of 10

Photo: https://unsplash.com/@voneciacarswell

When you find your tribe - an ode to adoptee friends and meet-ups

I’m not sure I will ever be able to thank Claire and HTBA for introducing me to THE most incredible adoptees who have become a part of my chosen family.

Bob, Niki, Lisa, Katherine, Sarah & I were introduced over the monthly HTBA patreon calls at the end of 2022. 

I’ve never really known anyone who is adopted (apart from my adoptee brother who never wants to talk about it). Wow, it’s amazing to have a shorthand with people who just get how your head works.  There’s no need to explain some of the disordered thinking, they feel it and think the same.    

Whilst we still meet monthly on our calls, we’ve also now got a super active WhatsApp chat, where we chat about everything from Snoopy through to supporting each other with our reunion journeys.   We also all met up in person in the summer, which was one of the loveliest days of my life.  These women are my tribe and my family, and I know that my journey through being adopted is made better for knowing them!

Em

Adoptee retreat, June 2023, hosted by Gilli Bruce and Lara Leon

Gilli and Lara got back late last night from the Lake District after hosting the very first in-person UK retreat for adopted people. Bravo to Gilli and Lara! In fact, apart from the US retreats by Anne Heffron, this is possibly a worldwide first*!

The feedback is starting to come in:

“People felt an immediate sense of OKness, they valued the opportunity to connect with others who really 'get - it' and enjoyed the mixture of activities, topics and sharing together - oh - and the fun! There was lots of laughter.” - Gilli

“It was the most important weekend of my life. I will cherish it forever.” - Lara

“We left each other feeling as if we were saying "Goodbye" to old friends whom we'd known for years rather than leaving people we'd only just met - the connections were powerful indeed. Sharing with each other and seeing 12 other heads nodding in agreement was validating and special - I loved it! There will be more events like this to come.” - Gilli

Adoptee retreat hosts, Lara Leon and Gilli Bruce - therapists and fellow adoptees

Watch this space for more feedback from the attendees. And another bravo to Gilli and Lara for all their planning, hosting, logistic-ing and holding such a sacred space for fellow adoptees.

"It's such a comforting space to be among others with this in common when a feeling of 'not belonging' is so common normally"

"Thank you for arranging this - giving your time and emotional energy to bring our group together. It's one of the most secure environments I've experienced"

"I knew within 10 minutes of coming, it was going to be OK. Unlike any other group I have spent time with, adopted people seem to know how to be warm and welcoming and put each other at ease. I guess we all know how painful it is to to feel unwanted."

"It has been invaluable."

"To connect and talk to other adoptees I found comforting and soothing."

"Really glad I came. Just being with other adoptees is the only opportunity I have to lose the nagging feeling that there is fundamentally something wrong with me. It is a soothing relief."

"I am so so thankful. Emotional."

"It was organic and fluid and I found the sessions engaging and interesting. I cannot express how life affirming and comforting these days have been."

"Amazing. I have never ever spent time with a group of adult adoptees. Really good balance of social and sessions."

"A relaxed environment to share our stories of adoption, listening to others made me feel less alone in my feelings. Loved Lara and Gilli's talks. A few tears but lots of giggles too."

"The weekend has helped me to reconnect to myself and its a very small but significant shift. A need to continue with my search reignited. Hopeful for healing - it's not too late. I'm not too old. It is worth it - I am worth it. It has given me hope. Thank you so much."

"Connections, hope, new purpose, understanding and comfort."

"I actually cannot write what I feel about how I feel. Grateful, hopeful, engaged, emotional, love. Wow. Thank you. It's a time I will never forget and would like to be involved in future events."

"For the first time in 76 years I've been able to talk freely about being adopted and people getting it! Listening to the stories of other adoptees has given me an insight into my own trauma. Please do more retreats. I felt connected."

"There is a tremendous need for adoptee support. This weekend has been so helpful in helping me on my journey. We all met and connected like a family/tribe. Our stories, though different were understood and not judged. The environment was safe which allowed us to be vulnerable and tell stories we had not shared with anyone."

"Extremely meaningful and valuable. Gilli and Lara are inspirational."

"Hugely beneficial."

"The retreat was going to struggle to live up to the high expectation I  placed on it, but it absolutely smashed it out of the park. Absolutely sublime. Very well done both of you and thank you."

*Ok, since writing this in a fit of excitement, I Googled ‘adoptee retreats’ and there are a few. Mostly in the US, but not soley. If you have an adoptee retreat to recommend, please feel free to share in the comments below. Sharing is caring! Claire x

The In-Between Lines project at Coram

Last week I attended a poetry night at Coram in London. The evening began with performances from several poets exploring the themes of the exhibition - heritage, identity, care experience, colourism, family and home. It ended with an open mic and a drinks reception.

This was the final event in a series which included an exhibition, a conversational panel and a panel with professionals.

When looking at the event information, this quote stood out for me:

“Over the years, I’ve struggled with feelings of anger, rage, and grief, but anxiety has always been my constant companion. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy models anxiety as ‘’intolerance of uncertainty’’. My adoption and racial identity generate precarity: not knowing how people will perceive me, what my biological family looks or sounds like, or whether my darkest days were benign or a terrible repetition of my family’s mental health history. Years of therapy helped, but it couldn’t heal the existential angst that a lack of identity creates. I felt so lost, and eventually I realised that I’d have to find a life narrative that served me.” - Anthony Lynch, age 23, one of the organisers of the In-Between Lines project

Many adoption professionals and adoptive parents have said to me/my peers that modern adoption is intrinsically different from traditional adoption. From this quote, and from attending the event, I can certainly see more similarities than some are willing to admit. In fact, creating a life narrative that serves us was one of the themes covered by Gilli Bruce in the How To Be Adopted virtual retreat in 2022.

I was blown away by the talent shown from the young people who performed their poetry during the evening. I was also very proud of Debbie Nahid from the Adult Adoptee Movement who spoke during the open mic to highlight the challenges faced by adoptees of all ages including lack of access to the adoption support fund and counselling. She echoed all our thoughts in that we wish these events existed when we were younger. Debbie also extended a hand to the younger adoptees, saying “we hold you and we can guide you”.

It was also lovely to meet many adoptees who I have met virtually on social media or chatted to via email. A recent quote from an adoptee says it so well: “ It's just so amazing talking to others whose brains are the same, and we just don't need to explain stuff!  Very humbling and also supportive!” Thank you to those I met for all your support and for attending How To Be Adopted events - so glad you’ve found them useful. One adoptee had spent the day feeding into a training project for social workers on the importance of language in adoption files - fab work and a huge emotional hangover from this work we do. Professionals take note when you ask us to input in this way! Oh, and I even met a lovely lady who discovered EMDR through this site, and is finding it helpful. Yay!

Read more about the event and follow the organisers @Inbetweenlinesexhibition on Instagram. It would great to see this event touring the UK if any adoption organisations would be able to fund this. As the young people themselves say: “The long-term goal is to form an online community of mixed and adopted creatives who can tell their stories through writing, art, photography, film, and more.”

Image taken from Coram.org

How To Be Adopted Lake District retreat June 9-11th 2023

June 9-11th 2023, the much-anticipated and requested How To Be Adopted retreat!

We’re going to be at the wonderful Nab Cottage in the Lake District. Nab Cottage is situated in Rydal on the A591 between Ambleside and Grasmere villages half-way along Rydal Lake. The postcode is LA229SD, and the nearest train station is Windermere. And yes there is a hot tub ;)

Email Lara to book your place!

The retreat will be run by:

Lara Leon, adult adoptee, Existential Psychotherapist and researcher into adoption and the needs of adoptees.

Gilli Bruce, adult adoptee, Integrative Psychotherapist and researcher into the lifelong impacts of adoption.

We’re looking forward to hosting this event and hope you will enjoy a restorative break in the company of others who ‘get you’!

The theme of the retreat is – How to be adopted?

Our weekend will include some relaxing activities and input from us on the topic of “How to be adopted”? in various sections that will be informative, therapeutic and generate insights…and possibly some emotions. With this in mind, there will be space for private reflective work, reading or any writing that resonates with you, plus sharing in small groups too.

 Our intention is to offer some warm connecting and laughter too so that we can come away feeling a bit lighter, with some new ideas on how to be happier and more peaceful adoptees. Also, we recommend that participants take advantage of the glorious surrounding area for a nature fix, or at least a visit to the famous Grasmere Gingerbread Shop!

The gathering will be a safe space for everyone with a safety agreement in place so that everyone can feel confident and comfortable to share / not share, protect their own mental health and get the most from their weekend.

Please note: It will be beyond the scope of the weekend to address any further trauma outside of the topic of adoption.

Parking

There’s parking in front of the cottage – if any of you know each other and can car share that would be fantastic.

Feeling safe and secure

The gathering will be a safe space for everyone with a safety agreement in place so that everyone can feel confident and comfortable to share / not share, protect their own mental health and get the most from their weekend.

Yummy food

Nab serves lunch, usually around 1 and dinner around 7, though can adjust these to suit. The food is freshly prepared, generally vegetarian, and as far as possible, uses organic, locally sourced and fairtrade products. Please let our host know beforehand if you have any special dietary requirements. Nab can cater for coeliacs and vegans at no extra charge. There is a surcharge of £10pp for any other requirements. Our host needs at least one week notice for special diets.

Pet allergies - Nab has some furry residents – 2 dogs and a cat so please be aware of this and factor this in of you have any pet allergies.

Sauna: There is a woodburning sauna outside the studio. If 3 or more people would like to use the sauna please let our host Tim know. It takes about an hour to heat up and costs £50.

Hot Tub: Our host Tim offers a complementary 2 hour session per group for use of the tub. After this there is a charge of £10 per hour.Please read instructions before using the sauna or the hot tub.

Payments: secure your place with a £50.00 deposit. The cost is £339.00 for two nights’ accommodation in a shared twin room with a fellow participant, all sessions and activities and all meals.

Our lovely host Tim needs payment 10 weeks prior to the event so we do need to ensure monies are in so we can pay him.

The event is non-profit making.

Lara is handling payments and to avoid Eventbrite charges we are using her bank account. To contact Lara regarding payments please do so via hello@lara-leon.com.

We will send out the group safety agreement and the information document from Nab Cottage a week prior to the event.

Self-care meet-up for adoptees by On Being Adopted - my review

A wonderful experience with a small group of UK adoptees, including healing yoga and a safe space for sharing stories...

I’d been looking forward to Rachel from On Being Adopted’s mini-retreat for adoptees for a few months. We met on Twitter and connected over many elements of our upbringing. We both have a desire to find more creative and/or hands-on healing for trauma (in addition to talking therapies). And we're both passionate about connecting with other adoptees, specifically in the UK. 

This event was to be a mixture of yoga, which is a way many of us manage our feelings, and talking with other adoptees. I was nervous but the location - a Buddhist centre - felt very peaceful and spiritual, and the room was small enough to be intimate yet large enough for us to comfortably move through the yoga sequences Rachel had designed for us. 

Rachel took us through a series of grounding poses, mostly standing up, such as the warriors one and two, and several balancing postures. This part of the day was about an hour long. There was enough repetition of the poses to enable a sense of flow, and enough variation to keep us alert. After a series of twists, which help regulate the nervous system, we settled into a long savasana with two guided body scans. Rachel finished the session with some pranayama breathing which is good for calming the mind. 

After a break for tea and biscuits we took our places on our yoga mats again and began sharing stories. Each person talked for around 5-10 minutes and it was free-flow so we could talk about anything on our minds, rather than needing to give a linear background to our adoption. This was quite refreshing! Rachel was clear about the ground rules: everything said is confidential, and avoid interrupting and/or trying to fix anyone’s problems. This was crucial for me, as I find it very hard not offer solutions or (some might call them) platitudes. It was great to be let off the hook in this respect.

I was worried that sharing 'into the ether' with no follow-up would be rather odd. But it really surprised me that sharing in this way felt good. The knowing nods were all that was really needed! I found there were many overlaps to our experiences, yet everyone’s story was unique. It was lovely to meet some of the adoptees I have spoken to on Twitter, and see someone I met at the Open Nest Conference 2017.

I left the meet-up feeling lighter and extremely validated. Sometimes I think I’m weak for finding all this hard, or maybe I’m just not trying hard enough to make tricky issues like reunion work. This meet-up reassured me that actually it all is just very bloody hard, and we are all doing the best we can. 

Thank you to the other participants and jolly well done to Rachel for making this UK adoptee meet-up a reality. Here’s to the next one! 

Find out about more meet-ups from On Being Adopted

Express an interest in Rachel's book club for adoptees: NEW!

If you're interested in yoga for self-care, self-worth and helping with anxiety, I really like home practice with Yoga by Adriene

And if you have any ideas for future meet-ups, let me or Rachel know. Or feel free to do one of your own! Rachel has proved there is a big appetite x

Natalie @zumbanatalieuk and Rachel @onbeing_adopted