A life-changing day for adoptees to gather in community

Anne Heffron with HTBA founder Claire

In October 2022, How To Be Adopted hosted a virtual retreat for National Adoption Week 2022 in the UK. The event was attended by 40 adopted people and - thanks to sponsorship from PAC-UK we were able to provide a large percentage of subsidised/free places to adoptees experiencing financial challenges.

You can now donate to get access to the recordings from the day. £5 for one session; £10 for all three sessions.

The agenda included:

• Yoga for adoptees with HTBA founder Claire who has recently qualified as a Kundalini Global yoga teacher.

• Adoptee guilt with adoptee and therapist Lara Leon

• Our narratives with adoptee and counsellor Gilli Bruce

• Breakout rooms with other adoptees, facilitated by HTBA team members

• Keynote speech from adoptee and author Anne Heffron

The feedback from adopted people was overwhelmingly positive:

“Very good presentations, well thought out. Provided a safe and caring environment.”

“Wonderful community, excellent talks, perfect mix!”

“Very high quality presentations and well taught yoga tailored towards adoptees and helpful info on yoga for emotional/nervous system regulation. Lara's presentation articulated deep thoughts and feelings I had inside but had not been able to articulate fully before - very illuminating. And I have read and consumed a lot of adoptee material over the last decade - all the key texts and probably every episode of adopteesOn podcast for a start! But she still gave me some new things to think about. I felt deeply understood. Gillian's pres. was very inspiring and I felt quite excited by the possibilities she opened up around stories and trauma. Anne's talk was also fascinating, she went very deep too, it was so refreshing and I love how she didn't hold back and talked about some unusual subjects that actually are right where I am at as well - made me feel validated too.”

“It was a very good balance and mix of speakers and activities (and well-paced).”

“Good to be with others with similar life experiences and hear from interesting speakers.”

“I found it a supportive event really well organised and each session was wonderful. It’s hard to choose a favourite.”

“It was life changing to be with people who totally understand how I as an adoptee see the world and how my head works!”

“It was a fabulous day, such a sense of community.”

“Such rich presentations but it was such a relaxed vibe that although some of the subject matter hit home I never felt unsafe.  You all held the group extremely well.”

“Felt I was on the same page as everyone else.”

“Hearing from others who have the same feelings and struggles as I do was incredibly validating.  I didn't realize how much it would help!”

“It was a very interesting day and helped me to feel validated and seen.”

“Love your aim improve access to support groups nationally.”

“Gaining understanding, recognition and validation of so many emotional issues that I have struggled with for life and that I have been dealing with and working through in recent years. Also the effects and affects of all these issues in all areas of my life. Also being in the company of other adult adoptee's was so very very reassuring and a rare feeling of true connection was wonderful.”

“I felt the day was very informative, validating, personal and well considered. I appreciate all of your hard work to make the day possible. Beginning the day with Claire and yoga was a terrific way to approach an emotionally and mentally charged day. I also appreciate that each person who spoke is an adoptee who shared their personal experience as well as their research.”

“It was the first time I had ever been amongst other adopted people.  I found it very affirming.  There was some excellent information and sessions.  And others, who seemed further ahead on their journeys, were very encouraging.”

“It was good to hear about some aspects I had not heard about before. - e.g re-writing a narrative to something more helpful, Gillian’s session.”

“Very good day. Good to have a day for adopted adults.”

“I look forward to meeting people in real life!”

• Find out more about our 2023 in-person Lake District retreat

• See all upcoming adoptee events on Eventbrite

• Find an adoptee support group near you

The tech support on the day was provided by the excellent Sara Smith of StormVixen.

Lara Leon talking about adoptee guilt

6 things adoptees of the future need - guest post by Lara Leon

Well-being is a topical subject. People talk about it all the time, especially now.

To live with well-being, we know that we should be mindful, strive to achieve balance, exercise our minds and bodies and try to find a sense of purpose in our lives. As a practising psychotherapist, this is my daily narrative.

Yet as an adult adoptee, my own journey to well-being was a messy one.

For most of my life, I personally struggled to achieve a sense of inner peace, or what I might now call well-being. But when I was growing up, I didn’t feel as though I could reasonably attribute this to anything to do with my adoption. I had a stable family home, clean clothes, food on the table and a good education. I had two parents who were there every day and who were proud of the fact that they treated my non-adopted sister and me “exactly the same”.

It wasn’t until much later that I understood just how much my adopted status had affected me. I’d sat in front of many a therapist, questioning the point of life and describing my lack of ease in the world around me. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me, or why I kept living through the same negative patterns. Why did I keep messing up relationships? How was it that I couldn’t trust? What was the vacillation between feeling needy and pushing people away all about? Why did I feel like I didn’t fit into my family? In the end, my search for the answers brought me to psychology and ultimately psychotherapy.

When the time came to carry out my Masters dissertation, realistically there was only one topic I could consider: adoptees and how they feel. So my research question was: “Levels of well-being in adults adopted as infants: what can we learn?”

First off, I learnt that although my mum and dad had parented my (non-adopted) sister and me in the same way, this was probably a large part of the problem. Years later, my mother told me my adoption was a “non-thing” to her. Essentially, she was saying that she had always considered me “the same” as my sister. But the reality of this meant we didn’t talk about how it all felt for me. Unfortunately, this also resulted in our not talking about the issue at the very heart of my experience - the fact that I didn’t feel I was in the right place (in the family) and their resulting sadness that I was never particularly happy. I wish we’d all had conversations about my feelings.

Statistics show that adoptees are over-represented in therapy, although they often don’t even realise their feelings may be linked to their adoption. Aren’t we supposed to be grateful? Didn’t we get plucked from impending doom when our adoptive parents “saved” us? Maybe, but it’s just not that straightforward. Adoptees often experience complex and conflicting feelings towards our adoptive families. Our adoptive parents’ style is also a key factor - are they warm and open with their love and understanding? If not, we might unconsciously feel even more rejected.

Frequently we are consumed with a need to understand who we came from (genetic bewilderment) and we may feel we’re betraying our adoptive parents for feeling like this. It’s entirely normal as a human being to want to know where we came from, but often there isn’t the communication within families to enable adoptees to speak about it.

And this is one of the key findings of my research. Prospective adopters need to be aware of the need for open communication around the fact of being adopted - not just a commitment themselves to parent the child in the same way they would their “own” baby. The adopted infant has complex needs and must experience a safe space in which to explore their feelings. They are expected to grow, develop and thrive in an environment that is alien to them and they will need a space where they are not made to feel ungrateful or disloyal for feeling the way they do.

So, what’s the answer?

An infant’s separation from their biological parent(s) results in trauma, it’s as simple as that. So, ideally families would be supported to stay together, but of course this is not always possible. My research findings are that adoptees struggle to achieve well-being compared with the general population. Separation trauma, problems of attachment, issues of identity, depression and anxiety are just some of the problems faced by adult adoptees.

But it can be made better.

I conclude with a suggested model of adoption - one that aims to ensure that adoptive parents are a good match for the child they intend to parent. Controversial? Well, when I was adopted there was a lot of emphasis on my being “an ideal baby” for my adoptive parents but no consideration given to whether they were “ideal” for me as I grew up and attempted to live with well-being. It doesn’t need to be this way.

This model would go some way to making sure that is the case for future adoptees:

1. Adoptive parent(s) with secure attachment style

If parents are insecure, anxious or avoidant, they are likely to make an already traumatised child feel more disconnected

2. Adoptive parent(s) who have grieved for, had therapy and overcome an inability to conceive naturally

Parents who would have never considered adoption as an option, often turn to it out of desperation when they have tried and failed to conceive. Let’s be real, in these circumstances they are adopting for themselves, not the child. Research suggests they need to grieve for their own loss before they can “be” what the adopted child needs

3. Adoptive parent(s) with the ability to mentalize the experience of their adopted child

Essentially, a parent who can put themselves in the “feelings” of the adopted child. The parent needs to accept that a baby or infant will be traumatised, suffer issues of fear, loss and rejection. Parents need to attempt to empathise with this in order to allow their child to explore/express their feelings

4. Adoptive parent(s) who are psychologically ready, prepared and willing to work with issues of separation, trauma, loss, identity and contact

As above, but adoptive parents should expect these issues and be prepared to discuss them in an open, supportive environment. This should continue as the child grows and develops and begins to question their identity.

5. Adoptive parent(s) who encourage open and supportive discourse about issues of separation, trauma, loss, identity and contact.

This should include the adoptee’s siblings (adopted or otherwise)

Again, the parents should initiate and encourage these conversations.

6. Therapy to be available as standard as adoptees reach adolescence and young adulthood

All adoptees should benefit from therapy or adoption competent support as they mature and question their experiences and identity.

This model does not include the right of the adoptee to access their birth records automatically which would lessen health anxiety and discoveries of health risk too late in life. Since this is a legal argument, it falls outside the scope of this model

Well-being matters. In the UK, the Office of National Statistics (ONS) tracks citizens’ well-being. Everyone benefits from a society high in well-being because it lowers the suicide rate and increases productivity, among many other positives.

And anyway, don’t we all seek to live with happiness?

At the moment in the UK, some 6,000 infants or children are up for adoption each year. This means that in 20 years’ time there will be an additional 120,000 adults living in Britain who were adopted as infants or children. They too deserve a fair chance.

You can find Lara on Instagram @Iamlaraleon and Twitter @IamLaraLeon

Photo by Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash

References:

Koivumaa-Honkanen et al, (2001) Williamson, 2014

Office for National Statistics (ONS), 2020 Verrier, 2013

11.01.2021 Corrected 60,000 to 6,000; babies to infants and children; 240,000 adults to 120,000 adults