How to be adopted

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Adoptees, ADHD and me

How to be adopted

Last year I impulsively tweeted to ask if any other adoptees had, or thought they may have, ADHD. I received dozens of responses and if you were one of them – thank you.  You may have noticed that rather than replying to everyone, I dropped off the face of the earth! 

To explain, I was grappling with a possible diagnosis of ADHD with one of my children and my thought process was:

  1. Is it right to share this info relating to my child in a public forum?

  2. If ADHD has a genetic link, then who, if anyone, in my birth family may have it?

  3.  (Then the penny dropped…) If ADHD has a genetic link, then do I have it?? 

My mind was whirling! 

At this point, as you can imagine, I went down a bit of an internet/books/podcasts rabbit hole. This is around the time I watched the Paul Sunderland video about adoption where he states that adoptees are 4x more likely to have challenges such as anxiety, depression, addiction, PTSD. One suggestion is that 90% of adoptees may have ADHD.*

Mind. Blown.

Now, you may or may not know that there are many theories about ADHD but there has been significantly less research into it than into other neurodiverse conditions such as autism, for example. During my research phase I was skipping from books by American authors recommending ADHD medication, podcasts with Australians recommending diet changes, and then – the real gut punch - Gabor Mate’s book Scattered Minds in which he presents the theory that ADHD is linked to a disruption in one or more primary attachments. Cue a lightbulb moment about adoption which is, at its heart, a severed attachment, (as well as lots of mum guilt that somehow I could have prevented my child having ADHD!?)

Another factor contributing to my overwhelm at this time was the realisation that my sister probably has ADHD and due to the lack of understanding and support for adoptees at the time (mid-late 90s), she was expelled from school and has led a life full of traumatic experiences. She called the head teacher a rude name, which arguably is classic ADHD impulsivity mixed with some trauma/attachment stuff! In those days acting out like this was seen as ‘bad behaviour’ and she was packed off quick smart. I wish that teacher knew that his decision that contributed to another generation of separation, trauma and loss. 

I’m glad adopted children have a protected status in UK schools nowadays (although I’m sure adoptive parents would say it’s not that simple.) 

As you can guess, this was all a very raw time for me, with lots of light bulb moments to reflect on and process. I was also struggling to accept that my birth family were not willing to talk to me about any possible overlaps genetically.  I was hoping to hear from them about whether anyone on my paternal side has similar challenges, and how they coped. This  stonewalling from my biological family lead to a lot of anger, rage (and the associated shame) about having to beg for crumbs about our family health history and how this affects not only adoptees, but our children. 

And of course, any spare energy I did have was channelled into being Mama Bear for my child, getting them through their diagnosis and fighting to get them some support. 

Meanwhile in the background I was considering whether I had undiagnosed ADHD myself and how this may have been missed. I read that in girls and women it is often missed due to masking, which girls are more likely to do (effectively) than boys, and due to AHDH commonly being confused with anxiety or another condition.  I asked the GP for advice and they sent me a questionnaire to complete.

Now I’m feeling ready to share and open up the floor to you guys. If you’ll forgive me for not getting back to you the first time when I was experiencing overwhelm – and perhaps a little teeny bit of denial! – would you be comfortable to share:

  1. Do you consider yourself to have ADHD?

  2. Are you aware of any genetic link ie a bio/first family member with ADHD?

  3. Do you have children, and if so, do they have any signs of ADHD?

  4. Have you watched the Paul Sunderland talk and, if so, what was your take?

  5. Can you recommend any resources to the How To Be Adopted community? 

 You can either comment below, or email me hello@howtobeadopted.com

So far in terms of ADHD resources for kids/parents, I have discovered:

I would also recommend following Anne Heffron if you don’t already because she normalises adoptees having challenges with things like executive functioning!

Remember to give me your recommendations in the comments. If enough people are willing to share their experiences I will write a follow-up blog.

Claire x

Photo by Omid Armin on Unsplash

*If anyone has the exact time during Paul’s video that he mentions ADHD, please let me know so I can add it.