Thoughts on the PAC-UK adoptee day in London for NAW 2022

Last year PAC-UK put on a day of adoptee voices for National Adoption Week online – and Gilli and I were speakers on the day and participated in the Q&A.

This year, PAC-UK put on both an online day and an in-person day. HTBA’s Lara Leon spoke at the online day about her research into the wellbeing of adopted people. Many people got in touch to say how much Lara’s talk resonated.

The in-person day was a welcome addition to the NAW calendar which tends to be 80% adoptive parents talking about “their” adoption journey in the newspapers and on the radio (the BBC in particular seem to be allergic to hearing from adopted people – even recently producing a podcast about the language used about care leavers, and only interviewing an adoptive parent).

PAC asked me to speak at the London event about coming out of the fog. Once I sat down the prepare my talk, I realised there is far too much to condense into a 20-min talk, and that I would not be able to speak to every experience in the room. So, I decided to speak from my own experience of coming out of the fog after I became a mother and how things are still very much a work-in-progress for me. If it would be helpful, I could record the talk and make it available for those who weren’t available to attend?                                                                                        

The main focus of the day was making connections with other adopted people and sharing our experiences. There were three workshops running, of which people could choose two to attend:

·      Identity

·      Reunion

·      Art therapy

I helped out with the identity workshops and today I have been thinking about the emotions and experiences shared. Firstly, it’s always interesting to note how varied people’s experiences are – from being born in a mother and baby home in the 1960s to being born in another country entirely. And, for the first time for me, there were much younger adoptees present who have a number of difficult experiences from their early years prior to being adopted. However, as always when adopted people get together, the similarities also shine though. A common refrain heard throughout the day was, “Oh my god, I thought it was just me who felt like that!” and “I’m so glad you shared that, so I’m not a freak after all!”. Even some of the younger adoptees said they managed to score a “full house” in the adoptee bingo list of ‘symptoms’ that I shared, including anxiety, rejection sensitivity, rage, people pleasing and many more. Incredibly sobering to think how we are all carrying these challenges with us as we go about our lives.

One strong theme that shone out was the number of people who had a racial, cultural or religious identity that was erased by social services and their adoptive parents. They have subsequently struggled to reconnect with this part of their identity in adulthood / post getting their adoption files or doing a DNA test. Some of the younger adoptees added that due to their early experiences of abuse and neglect meant that they had chosen to reject aspects of their identity including where they were born and names they were given.

At the end of the day, PAC-UK asked us to write down thoughts and suggested actions for adoptive parents, social workers and policy makers to take forward. It will be interesting to find out how many of these suggestions from people who have lived through the process are taken on board and changes made.

The feeling I am left with is one of absolute awe that we as adoptees keep getting back up, keep doing such courageous things every single day that no one else may ever understand. And all this while holding down a job or study, looking after a family, renewing the car insurance and checking in on an elderly neighbour, because – after all – there is no ‘coming out of the fog’ leave from work, and no ‘embarking on adoption reunion’ leave from college. We soldier on with no government support and no societal recognition. It can be a lonely place when we try to share what we are going through with family and friends who have swallowed the Long Lost Family propaganda. That’s why connecting with one another is so important.

With that in mind, PAC-UK have launched a closed Facebook group for adopted people, so get in touch with PAC-UK to join.

Keep an eye on our Eventbrite page for upcoming events - including a retreat in the Lake District 2023. We’ve also just launched a monthly Zoom for Patreon members, and our North London in-person group goes into its second year soon.

If you’re interested in starting or joining a HTBA group in your area, please reach out.

If you were at any of the events this week, drop a hello in the comments as I didn’t manage to get everyone’s details.

Lots of love, take good care as you process all the emotions of NAW.

Big love. Claire x

PS. I had a poem prepared to read, but the nerves got the better of me and a totally forgot. It’s dedicated to anyone who’s struggled with people pleasing and co-dependency.

Mary Oliver, The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice -

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voice behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do -

determined to save

the only life that you could save.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

National Adoption Week round-up

Thanks to everyone who attended the Voices of Adopted People: Messages for change day on Monday 18th October, the first day of National Adoption Week 2021. Thanks to PAC-UK for facilitating the day and One Adoption for supporting. Huge shout out to teammate Gilli as this was her first time speaking in public as an adoptee. Bravo Gilli!

You can now watch the How To Be Adopted talk and those of the other adoptees, including Debbie Nahid, Adoptee Futures, Zara Phillips and Adopteens.

Click the link below to watch on YouTube…

Watch the recording of the adoptee conference

(All the talks are powerful, but if you only have time to watch our skip to 40 mins.)

Some comments from the day:

Well done Claire!

Thank you Claire, so important to recognise

Well done to claire and co.

thank you for everything you do Claire and Gilli. So grateful. Your story resonates so much Gilli x

such important work,bravo ladies! Just signed up for your emails.

Brilliant both of you. Thanks so much for sharing

Thank you Claire & Gilli, great insights.

This is incredible! Thank you!

Well done Gilli!

Your story really resonates Gilli!

Just found my birth family at the age of 62, my fog has lifted

Thank you Claire and Gilly

Great to see you both and thanks for sharing and doing all you do. x

Thank you for sharing - really helpful!

Great call to action - help us campaign.

Thank you so much Claire and Gillian - so many excellent points raised. I like your mole analyogy

Sorry - mole analogy Gillian!

thank you both, and a huge thank you for your blog (I wouldn't be here at this event if I hadn't discovered it!)

Thanks so much, both Claire and Gilli. Really helpful to hear your stories and think about the life-long journey of reflection and support needed.

Thank you for sharing Gilli and Claire, about the 'fog' and lifelong impact of adoption, so valuable.

Thank u Claire and Gilly your stories of coming out of the fog - so helpful in getting a deeper understanding of how my adopted teenager feels.

thankyou very interesting and thought provoking as a practitioner in Adoption

Thank you all so much

I am in awe of you both, thank you so much.

brilliant thank you so much

Thank you Claire and Gillian, I was always brought up being told I was chosen, this I liked, it made me feel wanted and special, not previously sure I wanted to come out of the fog in fact made a conscious decision to stay in it, I have denied my adoption story as I have never had a reunion but recently realised I live in denial

HUGE thank you so much

Thank you Gilli and Claire for speaking about such a heavy topic with lovely smiles!

👏👏👏

Thank you so much, very insightful for me as an adoption social worker

Thank you so much for sharing :)

Brilliant work Claire and Gillian!! Thank you

It's also having a therapist that can ask the right questions for someone who maybe coming out of the fog.

Well done!

Thank you so much both of you its so helpful

Really interesting, lots to think about from practitioner perspective

Fantastic talk - thank you both

Thank you so much!

Thank you both Claire and Gilli.

Thank you Claire and Gillie

Thanks both - such helpful insights. I've just signed up to your newsletter.

thank you Claire and Gill

excellent morning from all of you. I believe you are recording. Great for future dissemination.

lots to think about from an adopter's perspective too, feeling almost guilty for being part of it on hearing from you guys

Thank you to everyone involved in putting on this event today. It is already brilliant, so emotional and thought - provoking - an adoption support social worker

Mind blowing. Thank you all so much

Many thanks to Debbie, Claire and Gilli - these stories are so important to hear, and you sharing them is a huge gift. We're so very grateful.

The problem with National Adoption Week for adoptees

I would like to talk you through how it feels to be an adopted person in the UK when National Adoption Week week rolls around every year. Perhaps then you will see why I am vocal about why this week is so problematic and painful.

Let me ask you for a minute to put yourself in the shoes of someone who has never felt able to speak to their adoptive family about their feelings, and has never seen anything in mainstream culture that reflects how they feel. Not one programme, film or book has ever made them feel recognised, only confused and conflicted.

This person could be in their 20s and doesn’t feel her friends would understand as they all come from seemingly perfect families with no early chaos and trauma. So she puts on a front and doesn’t let anyone in. This person could equally be in their 60s and never even spoken to anyone about being adopted, not a single friend or even their wife of 40 years.

Now imagine this person catches sight of the side of a bus advertising national adoption week, or turns on the radio to hear it been discussed. Imagine their heart leaping as their hopes are raised that finally there may be a story they can relate to, someone who “gets it”, who is articulating those feelings they haven’t felt safe to discuss with a living soul for anything from 20 to 60 years of their life. Finally they may feel seen.

Now imagine the next second when they realise this is a recruitment campaign for adoptive parents.

This is not the voices of adopted people, taking about their unique lived experiences. This is the voices of adoptive parents. A decade ago these adoptive parents would have been waxing lyrical about the joys of adoption; latterly they have been using the week to highlighting the challenges they faced after adopting. Either way the verb “to celebrate” features heavily. And there’s nothing for, about, or by adoptees.

I can tell you from experience, finding out that national adoption week is actually nothing to do with you after you’ve been living adoption every single day in every cell of your body is soul crushing. Perhaps it would be kinder if it were renamed National Adoptive Parents’ Week?

NAW events for adoptees

In 2021, PAC-UK and One Adoption hosted days for adoptee voices and birth parent voices. You can watch the adoptee day back here, with a talk from Claire and Gilli from How To Be Adopted on Coming Out Of The Fog.

Photo by Philipp Deus on Unsplash

The #youcanadopt hashtag

The youcanadopt hashtag is problematic because it portrays the main issue in adoption currently to be lack of adoptive parents coming forward. There are in fact many issues with adoption and recruiting more adoptive parents will not solve any of them.

The sad fact is that adoptees of all ages are struggling, some life-threateningly, and we need action, empathy and support (including funding).

The issues as I see it are:

1. State not supporting families under strain to keep their children within the family unit - in many cases this is linked to a failure of duty to care experienced adults who have not been supported adequately whilst in care and before/after becoming parents.

2. No support for adopted people over the age of 21 (or 25 in some cases) leading to identity issues, relationship breakdowns, mental health issues including depression, self-harm and even suicide, challenges parenting, not reaching their full potential as adults.

3. Lack of interest and drive from adoptive parents and professionals to maintain already formed relationships in situations where family preservation has been properly considered and adoption found to be the most appropriate option.

I was lucky my niece’s adoptive parents found me on Facebook and did not accept the devastating annual letter option we were offered after I had been her involved and loving auntie for 2.5 years!

4. Difficulty and expense tracing records and finding birth relatives. Onus should not be on adoptees to pay ££-£££ and wait months for a social worker or intermediary. Should I have spent days combing through microfiche in the local records office at the age of 18 when my friends were out having fun? Should the adoptees of today still be upset by the family tree project at school or still be having to write “don’t know - adopted” on medical forms?

5. No support to maintain reunions once they have been instigated - just an unrealistic portrayal of adoption reunion from programmes like Long Lost Family. This applies both to other adoptees using DNA and search angels and having to literally beg DNA matches on Ancestry for any crumbs of information, and to younger adoptees finding brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles on Facebook (or being found) and embarking on reunion that way.

If you are interested in adopting a child, I really hope you are also interested in wholeheartedly supporting and reforming the above areas. If not, may I politely suggest you #dontadopt

Image: Markus Spiske on Unsplash