Dancing on eggshells - guest post from adoptee David
Maybe it is the people pleaser in me, but as an adoptee I find reunion like dancing on eggs shells. There are so many people's feelings to juggle and for some reason we put ourselves last in that list. We talk about the adoption triad, the child, adoptive parents, and the birth parents, but there more people involved when it comes to reunion. This can range from siblings, both bio and adoptive, our spouses to wider family in general. Everyone has feelings on the situation, even if they don’t vocalize them. We’re afraid to upset any of them in case we are discarded and end up as alone as we were when we were given away.
I was born in 1983 and was adopted shortly after birth. I had a happy childhood and spent my entire youth in the fog. I didn’t want to look for either birth parent. I thought I wouldn’t be prepared for what was on the other side if I opened the door. That all changed in 2006 when my parents received a letter from the county council adoption services which said my birth mother wanted to know how I was doing. This could have been addressed to me, but the adoption agency chose to send it to my parents in case I had not been told I was adopted.
The music starts, and my first partners take to the dance floor.
I seem to remember my parents handing me the letter and watching me while I read it. It was a lot to take in so I can’t be sure this memory is correct.
I was in a daze for several days after, the actual woman who gave birth to me wanted to know about me. I didn’t think this would ever happen, what do I do and how do I handle such a massive situation. I know, I’ll talk to my parents about it. I remember trying to talk to my parents about what to do, they were and still are the people I go to for life advice, but on this occasion, I found out the situation was different. My dad said, “surely you must know what to do”, his tone was frustrated and almost angry, like it was choosing between them and my bio mum. I countered with the argument that both my parents and bio mum made their choices regarding adoption and gave it thought. I never made any choices but am supposed to know what to do. I heard the eggshell crunch as I stepped on the dance floor. The passage of time has shown my parents that there is no threat to them, I love them all the same. This allows me to be heavier footed as I throw my metaphorical shapes.
My next partner, and the most delicate to dance with, is my bio mum.
Meeting my bio mum was a whirlwind, at the time we were in different social classes. She had done well for herself, she was 38, and her and her husband part owned a company and two restaurants. I was young, 23, and came from inner city terraced housing, with working class parents. She was ready for dancing the Waltz, and I was warming up for Gangnam style.
I tried to navigate the relationship seeing if I could fit in and be up to what I thought her expectations were. I sometimes found myself in uncomfortable situations and didn’t speak up as I thought it might jeopardize our fledgling relationship. For example, the day we met she invited her husband and children to meet me, only telling me when they were on their way. I wasn’t ready for this; in hindsight I should have spoken up.
I opened my life to my bio mum, which meant juggling my parents' feelings and still building a relationship with my bio mum.
The only thing I ever asked of my bio mum was information of my bio dad. This wouldn’t so much trigger an eggshell crunching, but more an explosion like dynamite. Over an 8-year period I only ever asked about my bio dad 3-4 times. The first couple of times she shut down as soon as I said “Can you tell me about my bio dad”.
The next couple of times I got the smallest of snippets. A name, his sisters first name and was told she would not have any idea where they were now. This was hard to deal with, yet I did the dance and swallowed the pain of opening my life but not getting the information I wanted in return.
Eventually I got to the point where I said to my bio mum, on a phone call, either tell me more about my bio dad or we won’t talk any more. She said “ok” and put down the phone. I didn’t speak to her for a couple of years after that. It cut very deep, being dropped like a stone for asking one question in a pleasant and civil manner.
My wife told me years later how much this event affected me. I thought I was fine. But my wife said my self-esteem plummeted at this point and I had a lot of inner anger.
The next set of dance partners is a complicated mix…
My wife and I eventually found my bio dad and his family. He had a very distinct surname and we tracked down my grandparents using old telephone directories, electoral roles and Zoopla (to see if the house they lived in had ever been sold).
I dealt with this reunion differently, I chose a slow dance rather than jumping into something too fast, but it was complicated and delicate all the same.
My bio dad was hard to locate, so I approached my grandparents via a letter. They responded and were very open and supportive. My bio dad is an ex-heroin addict and has demons of his own. My nan had him when she was fifteen. My bio dad found out at age twelve that his dad, who he grew up with, was not actually his biological father. This does play into the reunion dance as I must be careful what I say on this subject as he and my nan have different views on being told at a later age about his true father.
My grandparents asked if I really wanted to meet my bio dad after they told me he had been an addict and had been to prison. I said I did and have managed this relationship ever since. I get on well with my grandparents, but find the relationship with my bio dad difficult, he is unreliable, and I have to make all the effort. I don’t gel with him on a personal level, but I do not want to sever that relationship as that is what my bio mum did to me. I love spending time with my grandparents, aunty and cousins. I don’t want to leave my bio dad out, but I don’t want to spend time with him either. This is a difficult dance to choreograph.
A second reunion and more dancing
When my son was born, I reconnected with my bio mum. I didn’t want him to miss out knowing he had an aunty and uncles because my bio mum would never have reconnected. I had to do all the repair work, even though I felt it was not my job to do. It is hard to be the better person in this situation as all the pain was inflicted on me, my bio mum told me she would never have reached out to me.
After this reunion my wife was talking to my bio dad's sister, my aunty. She said did my wife know that her son, my cousin, is friends with my bother on my bio mum's side. They had been friends since infant school and had grown up together and spent a lot of time at each other's houses. My bio mum knew where my bio father and his family were all along. When my wife told me on the car journey home, I felt so angry. The pain caused by never being given information about my bio dad and the lie of telling me she had no idea where they were felt awful. But, as a good little people pleaser, I suck this up to prevent an eggshell being broken and tolerate the excuse my bio mum tells that she didn’t want to ruin the friendship my brother and cousin have.
My wife found it hard when I reconnected with my bio mum. My wife is a loving and protective person, she couldn’t understand why I contacted my bio mum when all she caused me is pain. This is a subtle little dance all on its own, my wife has an opinion on this subject even though she doesn’t always voice it.
I honestly don’t know why put myself back in this situation with my bio mum, my logical mind says I shouldn’t have done it, I am worth more. But my heart says you need to prove yourself worthy of your bio mum, you are good enough to fight for and keep like her other children.
I am still wary of this dance, like the eggs will suddenly all crunch and the music could turn off at any moment, purely because of something I might say.
I must be very careful when meeting either side of my biological family, they live nearby each other; my cousins and siblings went to the same schools. My bio mum doesn’t want to interact with my bio dad’s family, even though they never knew I existed my entire life. My bio dad's family are welcoming and kind, but the pain my bio mum went through in giving me up (forced by her mother, who is now deceased) means she could never face discussing that with them. I am guessing at this last point; I think it is too sensitive a subject to ask about.
Extra dance partners…
With all the dance partners I’ve described, along with so many others I haven’t mentioned, like siblings or friends, it can feel like a disorganized line dance with 10 or more people. You’re dancing with everyone at once, to their own music, and you are trying to be so delicate on the dance floor when really you just want to stomp around and enjoy yourself.
My reunion story is lucky and simple compared to others. I have found and have a relationship with both sides of my biological family. I have been welcomed. But even in this ideal situation, there are so many people involved all with their own feelings.
As adoptees we can never truly be ourselves, we are always beholden to the decisions and feelings of others. Some people, such as our biological parents, have a power over us we cannot control. We go back to them even if it causes us immense pain. We accept their lies to preserve relationships. We do the dance.
My advice here will be hypocritical as I don’t follow it myself, I am too afraid. I think we should be ourselves, talk openly even if others are uncomfortable with it. Not many people think about their words before they talk to adoptees, so why shouldn’t we be as free. We never asked to be born or given up, we don’t owe anything to anybody but ourselves. Be aware that the eggshells will break, and relationships can end. Hold your head high and ask yourself, if someone isn’t supporting you then do you really need them. Being a people pleaser and keeping quiet only hurts ourselves. We always absorb the pain that others have caused.
Be free, choose the music you like, and dance as hard as you can. We only get one life, no matter how we got here we should enjoy the party the same as everyone else.
Photo credits:
Egg photo by Fernando Andrade on Unsplash
"File:Psy performing Gangnam Style at the Future Music Festival 2013.jpg" by Eva Rinaldi is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0.
Group of people dancing: Photo by Ardian Lumi on Unsplash
